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With real life news reading funnier than made-up comedy bits, the Late Night kings are loving every minute of it.
Page 3's top shelf team (OK, it's one dude out on the west coast, but he's still top shelf) compiled the best sports comedy riffs from the past week.
"Late Show" with David Letterman
Top 10 Signs Your Team Is Not Going To Win The NBA Finals, as read by 10 basketball Hall of Famers:
10. Oscar Robertson: "Owner won't pay for team to travel to away games."
9. Robert Parrish: "Coach used time out to go get Spike Lee's autograph."
8. Rick Barry: "Your teammate spends the whole game guarding the ref."
7. George Gervin: "Power forward has been out two months with the hiccups."
6. Willis Reed: "During the season, you lost to the Lakers and the Laker girls."
5. Walt Frazier: "Your team logo is a guy asleep in a hammock."
4. Clyde Drexler: "Much of the 24 seconds is spent on uncontrollable sobbing."
3. Bill Walton: "No one on your team can dunk without using a stepladder."
2. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: "Your best player is named Shaquille Wasserstein."
1. Bill Russell: "Many nights you have more groin pulls than points." (May 25)
From "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno
"A baby was born from 21-year-old frozen sperm. I didn't even know Ted Williams was dating again." (May 27)
"The murder rate in L.A. is up, but that's only because so many Timberwolves got killed the other night." (May 26)
"NASCAR announced today they are launching a new plan to attract more minorities to NASCAR racing. More minorities? How about a minority? One guy, maybe." (May 26)
"MTV announced plans for an all-gay TV network. All gay programming. So far they have three shows lined up: 'Will & Grace,' 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy' and arena football." (May 26)
Former NBA star and current TNT analyst Charles Barkley was a guest and talked about the "big sacrifice" he made by appearing on Leno's show. (May 26)
Barkley: "I was supposed to be in Las Vegas playing golf with Tiger Woods. He was going to work on my game, but I didn't know how to break it to him. I said, 'You suck right now. You shouldn't be trying to help anybody. You need to be working on your own game.' "
When asked if Woods' fiancé, Elin Nordegren, was making him lose focus, Barkley said "Every man needs to be out of focus like that."
Barkley talked about rejecting overtures from "Monday Night Football" as a broadcaster: "I decided it wasn't in my best interest, because if I wanted to get on TV and talk about every sport, and be a know-it-all jackass, that would make me a reporter."
Sticking with football, Barkley said, "If you take away people who bet on football, you would kill two-thirds of their audience."
"President Bush fell off his mountain bike this weekend. Luckily he was not hurt. He was wearing the same helmet he wears when he eats pretzels." (May 25)
President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend. You know what's really sad? It was a stationary bike." (May 24)
"More video of that horrible beating coming out of Iraq. No, I'm sorry, that was the Lakers game." (May 24)
"The assistant coach on the University of Colorado football team reportedly arranged for hookers to have sex with players they were trying to recruit. What happened to our values in this country? In my day, you didn't pay hookers to have sex with football players. That's what the cheerleaders are for." (May 21)
From "Jimmy Kimmel Live"
"Lakers last night, they're up 2-1, they won last night. They beat the Minnesota Timberwolves. Right after the game, Shaq spoke with reporter Craig Sager. (Shows clip of interview.)
Sager: "... What was said at halftime, then to see him bounce back with 22? What was the difference in Kobe?"
Shaquille O'Neal: "Well, you know we want him to be a little bit more aggressive. And I've been telling the guys all year, you know, just throw me the ball.
"That's the ugliest suit you got, too. That's horrible." (End of clip.)
Kimmel: Mr. Shaq-well. He's right, too. I mean, Craig Sager wears these ridiculous pimp suits and I think it's supposed to be funny but it's obnoxious." (May 26)
"Late Late Show" with Craig Kilborn
"Ladies and gentlemen, our friend Dennis Kucinich, he's done the show, he has a new slogan: 'At least I can ride a freakin' bike.'" (May 27)
"Fighter in the hole news: Duffers in Afghanistan finally have a course to call their own as the Kabul Golf Course opened yesterday, featuring some pretty rough rough (and) fast asphalt greens. Ah, nothing like grabbing and heading to the browns. (May 26)
"The golf course is exclusive; a year's membership will set you back more than 60 goats." (May 26)
"The pro shop at the Kabul Golf Course is a little different. Check out this T-shirt right here, people: 'Old golfers don't die, they just lose their legs to a land mine near the 11th green.'" (May 26)
"Right now let's take a look at the highlights."
Announcer: "And here's Abdul at the eighth tee, the drive and ohhhhh .... looks like headed toward the sand trap. Second shot, out of the sand trap ... ohhh, back in the sand trap. Sand trap. Sand trap. Sand trap aaand ... parking lot." (May 26)
"Here's my question, ladies and gentlemen. How confident can voters feel when our two choices for President can't ride a bike." (May 25)
While discussing Madonna's new tour that opened recently in Los Angeles: "Just like the Lakers, Madonna's last L.A. performance is Thursday ... I'm kidding. Laker pride." (May 25)
"Dennis Rodman is moving out of his Newport Beach (Calif.) home because of noise complaints from his neighbors. His neighbors are a disco, an airport and a bowling alley." (May 24)
"Once, twice, three times a safety news, following the success of the pay-per-view game during halftime of the Super Bowl, the Lingerie Football League, this is true, unveiled its four-team lineup yesterday: The Dallas Desire, New York Euphoria, Chicago Bliss and the Los Angeles Temptation. Sadly, Mike Ditka is unable to join this league without taking a pill." (May 20)
"To avoid embarrassing pay-per-view customers, Lingerie Football will show up on your cable bill as actual porn, which is kind of nice." (May 20)
"Experts say all four Lingerie Football teams are already much better than the San Diego Chargers." (May 20)
"In an effort to seem legitimate, the Lingerie Football League is trying to copy the much-respected NFL Films. Take a look ..." (switch to still shots of Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana before showing action from the 2004 Lingerie Bowl) (May 20)
"Late Night" with Conan O'Brien
"I've got Olympics news. The International Olympic Committee ruled this week that men who have had operations to become women will be allowed to compete in the summer Olympics. Yeah, there's only one condition. You must run like a girl." (May 19)
"I've got Olympics news. The International Olympic Committee ruled this week that men who have had operations to become women will be allowed to compete in the summer Olympics. Yeah, there's only one condition: You must run like a girl." (May 19)
"It's been reported that since A-Rod started playing for the New York Yankees, attendance is up by over 11,000 people a game. Yeah, yeah, the bad news is they're only showing up because they want to borrow money." (May 18)
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