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With real life news reading funnier than made-up comedy bits, the Late Night kings are loving every minute of it.
Page 3's top shelf team (OK, it's one dude out on the west coast, but he's still top shelf) compiled the best sports comedy riffs from the past week.
"The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno
In an interview with ESPN The Magazine, John Kerry said he learned about life from playing sports. You know the most frustrating thing about playing sports for Kerry: finding a helmet that fits. Today, President Bush said he also played a lot of sports as a child but somehow the records were either lost or destroyed." (July 21)
"A 182-karat diamond has been discovered in a diamond mine in West Africa, four times bigger than the famous Hope Diamond. One hundred eighty-two karats! Or as Kobe Bryant calls it, a season pass." (July 21)
"Former Laker Vlade Divac has left Sacramento and is coming back to be the Lakers center. Do you know Vlade is a Serbian word that means 'half as good as Shaq'?" (July 21)
"Scientists say women runners in the Olympics run faster after having an orgasm. Maybe that's what Nike means when they say, 'Just do it.' " (July 21)
"Kobe Bryant made a decision last week. He says he will be a Laker for life. Either that or he will be a Laker doing life." (July 19)
"A lot of people are wondering about Dick Cheney's future and he said President Bush won't 'break up the team.' Hey, we're Lakers fans. We've heard that before." (July 16)
"Kobe's staying with the Lakers. He decided to stay with the Lakers out of loyalty. You can understand why. Last time he wasn't loyal to someone, it cost him 4 million bucks in jewelry." (July 15)
"A federal judge ruled Congressman Bill Janklow -- he was convicted of manslaughter for running a stop sign and speeding and killing a motorcyclist -- is not liable for civil damages because he was on-duty at the time. And today, O.J. announced he's running for Congress." (July 15)
"Late Show" with David Letterman
"Some guys were mining for diamonds in Africa and they dug up a 182-carat diamond. That's four sizes larger than the Hope Diamond and right now it's being shipped to its new home, Mrs. Kobe Bryant's finger." (July 20)
The "Top 10 Perks Of Winning The British Open," as read by British Open champion Todd Hamilton:
10. "Everywhere I go, I'm recognized by middle-aged fat guys."
9. "Whenever Tiger Woods and about a dozen other guys turn down an endorsement deal, I get the call."
8. "Claret Jug is full of Sambuca."
7. "Get to appear on MTV's 'Pimp My Cart.' "
6. "If you beat your caddie with a pitching wedge, the PGA Tour looks the other way."
5. "President Bush called me - he kept calling me Ernie, but it was still nice."
4. "Certain my boyhood home in Oquawka, Ill., will soon become the No. 1 tourist spot in America."
3. "You become a household name like past winners David Brown and George Duncan."
2. "For the next week only, Big Ben will be renamed 'Big Todd.' "
1. "I've been filling up some divots, if you know what I mean" (July 20)
"The Late Late Show" with Craig Kilborn"
"Wow, this is bizarre. A new report by the U.S. Geological Survey found that Florida, the state of Florida, is sinking into the ocean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much does Shaquille O'Neal weigh, anyway? That's what I wanna know." (July 20)
"Staying positive news: with the designer steroids scandal nipping at its heels, U.S. Track and Field selected its team for Athens this weekend in Sacramento. Right now let's take a look at one of the gold medal hopefuls. (Shows clip of Mary Kellie Suttle snapping a pole vault in mid-vault.) Wow, always tough to watch a gal break a pole. ... It's been a longstanding policy, U.S. athletes are forbidden from taking steroids without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball. (July 19)
"Say what you want but I still get choked up seeing an athlete take a victory lap waving an American syringe." (July 19)
"Ladies and gentlemen, somehow the American League just scored five more runs against Roger Clemens. I don't know how that happened." (July 15)
"Oh, Laker pride. Kobe Bryant has decided to re-sign with the Los Angeles Lakers, ladies and gentlemen, yeah. Yeah, he wanted to leave Los Angeles, but his ankle bracelet kept beeping." (July 15)
"Top story, court costs news, troubled Kobe Bryant made his decision today. He will stay with the Los Angeles Lakers for a whopping $136 million over seven years. So let that be a lesson to you kids: If you're not getting enough attention in your youth league, have the coach fired and make sure they trade your best player." (July 15)
"Kobe chose the Lakers over the Clippers because in the end the lure of playing for less money in a half-empty arena for a losing team just wasn't enough. Kobe and the team finally reached the agreement after the Lakers promised to give away anyone else who is any good." (July 15)
"Jimmy Kimmel Live"
"Exciting day for fans of bike riding. Lance Armstrong, the greatest rider in the world, took the lead in the Tour de France at the 15th stage, which is very late in the race. Personally, I couldn't care less about bike riding. But I love that an American beats the French over and over again in something we don't care about at all. (Cheers from the crowd.) I didn't mean to start a rally. People say that Armstrong has an unfair advantage over the French because he still has one of his testicles. So while that may be true, we wish him the best." (July 20)
"A miner in Africa, he came up, he mined a 182-karat diamond yesterday. That is four times as big as the Hope Diamond. Poor Kobe Bryant. I mean, right? Good thing he's got a new contract. (July 20)
"Best wishes go to Dale Earnhardt Jr., who -- thank God -- was not seriously hurt. He had an accident yesterday. His car burst into flames. He was tuning up for a race here in California. Look at this footage. (Shows clip of Earnhardt's car in flames.) Yeah, he's all right. He got out of the hospital. Also he's covered. He's got a $500 deductible, so that's gonna be OK. It's scary, though." (July 19)
"Shaquille O'Neal is back in Florida. He's gonna play for the Miami Heat. Here he is from ESPN last night talking about Kobe Bryant and other weird stuff ..." (July 19)
Shows clip:
Interviewer: "If Kobe Bryant called on your cell phone right now, what would you say to him?"
Shaq: "I don't have a cell phone. It's people I'm connected with, I'm connected with. All you gotta do is think, and I'll call you. I don't have a cell phone and that's the problem with the Diesel. I'm technologically more advanced than you are. My thought process begins where a regular human apexes at."
Kimmel: (Laughing and holding a phone.) "I'm thinking Shaq, and I've got a phone right here."
* * * * * *
"We have a lot of golf fans watching the show. At the British Open the underdog American, Todd Hamilton, beat one of the top players, Ernie Els, in a playoff. And Hamilton coulda won, it wouldn't have gone into overtime if he'd made a putt on the 18th hole. But he didn't and his daughter provided the reason why her dad missed on 18. (Shows clip of Hamilton's young daughter saying angrily, 'That hole is stupid.') ... She was fined $25,000 by the PGA." (July 19)
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart""
"Things are getting crazy in the senatorial race in Illinois. As you remember, Jack Ryan was running for senator in Illinois but had to drop out because of creepiness. So there was this movement that Mike Ditka was gonna run for senator, while he has decided not to run as the Republican candidate for senator; bowed out of the race, evidently he's a bit of a pussy. GOP having no luck at all at fielding a candidate in Illinois. Uhhh, which prompts the question, OK, Mike Ditka just can't do it. What about 'The Fridge?' ... That's all I'm saying. William 'The Refrigerator' Perry. I'm just saying , he's not looking for trouble; he's just trying to do the senator shuffle. That's all I'm saying. ... No. Too old of a reference? Oh ... I'm 41, and it's showing." (July 15)
"Late Night" with Conan O'Brien"
"All-Star Game last night. Of course one of the big stories from last night's All-Star Game is the fact that, this is interesting, Roger Clemens was pitching and his enemy, Mike Piazza, was chosen as his catcher. These two had to work together and they hate each other. Yeah, and of course you probably heard this, things didn't turn out too well for Clemens. He gave up six runs in the first inning. Actually I think we may have figured out what was wrong because a microphone nearby picked up what Piazza was saying. (Begins clip of Clemens pitching to Manny Ramirez)."
Piazza: "Psst, Manny, do you wanna hit? He's coming with a curveball."
Ramirez: "Where?"
Piazza: "Inside. OK, here you go. Tee it up, man."
Ramirez then slams a home run. (July 14)
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