With real life news reading funnier than made-up comedy bits, the Late Night kings are loving every minute of it.
"The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno
"That's what John Kerry was yelling all weekend. 'Help is on the way.' No, I'm sorry. That was Mike Tyson's trainer trying to get him off the canvas. ... Unknown British heavyweight Danny Williams knocked out Mike Tyson in the fourth round. He got Brit-slapped. I think Robin Givens put up a bigger fight the last time. In fact, during the fight, Williams was penalized for hitting Tyson below the belt. Man, how high is voice going to be now?" (Aug. 2)
"Now that the convention is over, things are getting back to normal in Boston, which of course is bad news for the Red Sox." (Aug. 2)
"Ricky Williams told The Miami Herald one of the reasons he retired from the NFL at the age of 27 is because he wanted to continue smoking marijuana. Isn't that unbelievable? You can't possibly have a job that pays you millions of dollars and lets you smoke marijuana, right Kevin (band-leader Eubanks)?" (Aug. 2)
"Mike Tyson is fighting British heavyweight Danny Williams in Kentucky. A British boxer is fighting in Kentucky. Talk about a bad night for teeth." (July 30)
"Ricky Williams quit the team, and one of the reasons he retired from the NFL at age 27 is because he wants to continue smoking marijuana. Well, at least he had a good reason. I think people knew there was a problem when they asked him, 'Do you prefer Astroturf or grass,' and he said, 'I never smoked Astroturf.'" (July 30)
"Former NBA player Jayson Williams, who was just acquitted of shooting his chauffer, is now being sued for animal cruelty for shooting his dog. There's a lesson: you can shoot your chauffer but God forbid don't shoot the dog. Actually, did you hear his excuse? He didn't mean to shoot the dog as he was aiming at the gardener." (July 29)
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart"
Page 3's top shelf team (OK, it's one dude out on the west coast, but he's still top shelf) compiled the best sports comedy riffs from the past week.
In Boston, during a dialogue with correspondent Rob Corddry about the Democratic National Convention:
Stewart: "What do you think the next step should be for the Democrats?"
Corddry: My advice, Jon. Get your hopes up. I'm talking way, way up. Invest an irrational amount of your heart and soul into this race. Let its ups and downs become the biorhythms of your very existence. All the while tucking that vague sense of inevitable heartbreak into the nethermost recesses of your brain."
Stewart: "Inevitable heartbreak? Isn't it a little early to be making that kind of prediction?"
Corddry: "I'm from Boston, Jon. I know how these things work. (Cheers.) ... Go ahead, Democrats, let yourself hope. Stock up on beer and chips for the victory party. Invite all your friends. Tell yourself this fall's gonna be different. That way, when Florida ends up dribbling through Kerry's legs you'll have a memory to last a lifetime. A bitter, angry, angry lifetime. .. (Expletive) the Yankees." (July 30)
On location in Boston for the Democratic National Convention:
"The Democrats have been here for three days. Is their message getting through? What is the feeling of the people on the streets of Boston? As far as I can tell, the word on the street in Boston thus far is this: Yankees suck. (Cheers) ... I don't know if they're responding to talking points. But apparently there is also a belief underneath that that A-Rod is wicked quee-ah. I don't in any way know if this is the party itself, but that seems to be the message that's getting through." (July 28)
"Real Time with Bill Maher"
New rule: Cheering for Lance Armstrong doesn't make you an international cycling aficionado. Unless you can name one other rider in the Tour de France in the last 100 years, you're not a fan; you're just someone who likes it when America beats foreigners. ... And by the way, you're also not a tennis expert if you like Russian teenagers bouncing up and down. You're just a perv." (July 30)
"The Late Late Show" with Craig Kilborn"
"In it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy news, it only lasted four rounds and Mike Tyson's boxing career may be over after Friday night's demolition at the hands of mediocre British heavyweight Danny Williams. Oh, well, at least he has tens of dollars to fall back on. ... Friends are worried. They say Tyson is now just a hollow shell of his former hollow self. ... Having beaten Tyson, Williams will now move on to the next highest-ranked boxer, Nick Carter." (Aug. 2)
"In cradle of procrastination news, as the Greeks frantically half-ass the final weeks of construction, tickets officially went on sale today for next month's Olympics in Athens and it's already clear that only a handful of events are likely to sell out. Fans are staying away from this year's Olympics because of fear they'd have to watch archery. No one is more disappointed with slow ticket sales than Al-Quaida, which now may not even bother attacking the men's field hockey semifinals. Meanwhile, the Olympic Committee will distribute 150,000 condoms to the athletes, which raises an interesting question: How do I get tickets to that event?" (July 30)
"Jimmy Kimmel Live"
"Remember 'Moesha'? Brandy, she played Moesha or vice versa. I'm not sure. She is reportedly engaged to NBA player Quentin Richardson, who just left the Clippers today to take more money in Phoenix. And he's gonna need it because he bought her an 11½-karat diamond ring. Just for comparison sake, after the incident in Colorado, Kobe Bryant gave his wife an 8-karat ring. That cost $4 million, so if Quentin cheats on Brandy he's gonna have to buy her the sun basically. By the way, how does a Clipper afford even a tennis bracelet. It doesn't seem fair." (July 29)