With real life news reading funnier than made-up comedy bits, the Late Night kings are loving every minute of it.
"Late Show" with David Letterman
Part of Dave's end of summer checklist:
"Learn to cut my own hair at home. Yeah, I did that.
"Get my ride pimped. Yeah, I got that."
"Spend Labor Day with my family and friends. No."
"Spend Labor Day with an office full of people who hate my guts. Yeah.
"Watch Olympic women's beach volleyball until my TiVo breaks. Yeah. ... And this brings up an interesting point about the Olympics. Is it really an Olympic sport if you find yourself, in observing the sport, you find yourself becoming aroused? Is it really an Olympic (sport)?...
"Receive a restraining order from women's beach volleyball players. Yeah. ..." (Sept. 6)
"The Kobe Bryant trial has ended, and I guess so has Mrs. Bryant's shopping spree." (Sept. 2)
"The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno"
Page 3's top shelf team (OK, it's one dude out on the west coast, but he's still top shelf) compiled the best sports comedy riffs from the past week.
"Criminal charges against Kobe Bryant have been dropped although Kobe Bryant's civil suit is going forward. She's going to sue him, which means he's no longer looking at the big house, he's now looking at the poor house." (Sept. 8)
"And Kobe Bryant just got his first new endorsement: walking shoes. He just got those today. Walking shoes. Good news for Kobe. ..." (Sept. 6)
"It was 106 degrees today, hottest day of the week, and in fact, the only person not sweating today was Kobe Bryant. I guess you heard that all charges against Kobe Bryant have been dropped. Finally, a Laker finds a court he can win on." (Sept. 2)
"Prosecutors knew their case was in trouble when the jury foreman was William Kennedy Smith. There was a rumor that they were going to drop the case, in fact Kobe's wife told Kobe, 'Listen, you give me a ring if you hear any news.'" (Sept. 2)
"Late Night with Conan O'Brien"
In an interview with guest Bill Maher, who discussed his controversial views that some see as being anti-American, but the comedian said he loves his country but is merely embarrassed by it sometimes.
Maher: "The thing that bothered me the most (in the past year) was the Super Bowl, the Janet Jackson thing. When America got freaked out because Janet Jackson's milkshake was on television for two seconds. I mean, that whole thing, I was like, 'I'm Swiss.'"
O'Brien: "Because what's the big deal?"
Maher: "If you had seen just the reaction. If you had not seen what actually happened and had just seen the reaction, you'd have thought Justin Timberlake and her had stripped naked and had unprotected anal sex Kobe Style over the back of a chair."
O'Brien: "When are we gonna be seeing that? I'm curious. ... 'This fall on Fox.' "
Maher: " And people were like 'But it happened at the Super Bowl.' ... Oh, yeah, it happened at church. I forgot."
O'Brien: "The sanctity of the Super Bowl."
Maher: "Why do we have to live in the dumb country? Why can't we be the hip country? Why can't we be one of those countries where the President has a permanent tan, expensive suits, a Versace mistress and there's pictures of them screwing on a boat but nobody cares because that's amoré? Why can't we be that country instead of the one with the midget dating show."
O'Brien: "Don't knock the midget dating show. That's quality television." (Sept. 8)