With real life news reading funnier than made-up comedy bits, the Late Night kings are loving every minute of it.
"The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno"
"Is anybody going to the Anaheim Angels-Texas Rangers game this weekend? A lot of good seats are available. If you can't find a seat just yell into the Rangers bullpen, they'll throw one up for you. ... Frank 'The Chair' Francisco threw a chair into the stands, hit a guy in the head and broke a woman's nose. Unbelievable! Here's my question: When you throw a chair into the stands is it like a foul ball? Do you get to keep it? ... The team said today when he rejoins the team they're going to make him sit on the bench. Oh there's a good idea, throw a bench into the stands." (Sept. 15)
"Shaquille O'Neal criticizes Kobe Bryant in his latest rap album. Luckily for Kobe, nobody will ever hear it." (Sept. 15)
"Rangers pitcher Frank 'The Chair' Francisco got annoyed at the crowd and threw a chair into the stands that hit one guy in the head and broke a woman's nose. He was immediately taken into custody and then booked on the Jerry Springer show.' " (Sept. 14)
"Winds were so strong in Cuba, they actually blew some guys who couldn't play baseball into America." (Sept. 13)
"According to Men's Health magazine, one in nine men claim they've been dumped by women because of their love of football. In fact, nine of the 10 men dumped didn't even know the woman had left until after the Super Bowl." (Sept. 13)
"Trendy people are hooking up with each other at playgrounds over friendly games of dodge ball, kickball and tag. They say playgrounds are like the new single bars, to which Michael Jackson said, 'That's what I?ve been telling people for years.' " (Sept. 10)
"Today, President Bush proposed new Medicare benefits: free eye glasses for all U.S. Open line judges." (Sept. 9)
"Late Night with Conan O'Brien"
Page 3's top shelf team (OK, it's one dude out on the west coast, but he's still top shelf) compiled the best sports comedy riffs from the past week.
"This week, you probably all saw this, a pitcher for the Texas Rangers was arrested after throwing a chair in the crowd and injuring a fan. Pretty serious, yeah. ... If convicted he could be sentenced to six months in Jerry Springer's audience." (Sept. 15)
"Live With Jimmy Kimmel"
"While Oprah was giving out cars, Major League Baseball was giving out chairs yesterday, or one chair at least. Did you see the game up in Oakland last night? A couple of the Rangers pitchers got into it with some A's fans. I don't know what was said but the argument ended abruptly when reliever Frank Francisco pulled a Stone Cold Steve Austin on somebody. (Shows clip of the incident and a woman with a bloody nose.)
Wow. She's lucky she wasn't there on recliner night, you know? Easily could've been paralyzed. That's a quarter of a million dollar nosebleed right there. She's suing of course. Francisco was arrested; he's been charged with aggravated battery and has been released on bail. I would love to know what was said in that thing. And by the way, players are now hurling chairs at the fans. At what point do you admit baseball might hav a steroid problem? You have to blame the players though. I've beeen to games in Oakland and those fans would never say a mean word to anybody." (Sept. 14)
"If you're watching the show right now on the East Coast, the sun should just about be coming up. It comes on very late when we're on after 'Monday Night Football.' The Packers played the Panthers tonight. They're doing 'Monday Night Football' a little bit differently this year, and I really like what they're ... Did you see it tonight? Probably not because you're here. They're doing it like 'The Bachelor' this year. Insteade of playing the game, at the end of the hour John Madden hands one quarterback a rose. And whoever gets the rose goes on to week two." (Sept. 13)
"Bad times for the folks in Florida. Thirty million people evacuated. It's empty. The state of Florida looks like a late-season Clippers game right now. There's nobody there.... (Crowd boos.) I'm not sure if you like Florida or the Clippers." (Sept. 13)