Compiled by Page 3 staff

"The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno
"According to Sports Illustrated magazine, 30 percent of male readers said they would rather watch a big playoff game than have sex. The other 70 percent said, 'Hey, that's why they have halftime.'" (Sept. 29)

"Late Show" with David Letterman
The Top 10 New York Yankees Strategies For Winning The World Series, as read by Yankees right fielder Gary Sheffield from the dugout at Yankee Stadium (Sept. 28):

Gary Sheffield, Derek Jeter
Even Gary Sheffield has to look away when giving Jeter a pound.
10. "Blind opponent with light reflected off Jeter's World Series rings."

9. "Thanks to some scientist friends of mine over at Cal Tech, Mickey Mantle will be playing center field."

8. "We added a home run-hitting kangaroo and there ain't a thing anyone can do about it."

7. "Replace opponents' bats with hilarious novelty exploding bats."

6. "Never swing at the first pitch and always hit the cutoff man or some crap like that."

5. "Can't think of a No. 5 so check out these pythons, ladies (as he flexes his muscles)."

4. "Here's a secret I used when I won the World Series in Florida in '97 -- in the postseason, give 112 percent."

3. "Hideki Matsui taught us some crazy Kung Fu."

2. "Convince Mr. Steinbrenner to spend a little money on this team for once."

1. "Hit a home run and Oprah will buy you a new car."

"The Late Late Show" with guest host Michael Ian Black
"There is a different kind of rodeo sweeping across Texas, the gay rodeo where cowboys can love cowboys locked arm in arm. ... I'm sorry; can you stop for a second? Are there nongay rodeos? ... Who knew? Actually, gay rodeo is pretty much the same as a regular rodeo except the hog-tying part is a much clearer metaphor. ... Said one cowboy, 'We're here, we're queer, we're riding steer.' He then added, 'go ahead, feel uncomfortable.'" (Sept. 27)

Shaquille O'Neal
The Heat are hoping the Shaq trade won't result in a disaster.
"Jimmy Kimmel Live"
"(On the high numbers of hurricanes) I hope this is it already. And you hate to blame one guy for it, but things were pretty relaxed in Florida before Shaq moved back in, they really were. They were wasting away at Margaritaville; maybe you lose a shaker of salt, but never an entire trailer park." (Sept. 27)

"And this is a crazy thing. The woman who accused Kobe Bryant of sexual assault supposedly is pregnant. So I guess congratulations are in order. I'm not sure. ... That's what they reported on Fox News. And this is something, the Smoking Gun website today, somehow they got ahold of the ultrasound photo and look at this ... (Shows a photo of a smiling Shaquille O'Neal on the ultrasound.) The doctors say she may need not only a C-section, but also a D, E and F section." (Sept. 28)

"Late Night" with Conan O'Brien
"In Central America, a true story, a women's soccer team has been disqualified from a tournament after it was discovered that all of its players are prostitutes. Yeah, apparently everybody became suspicious when they let the other team score for 50 bucks." (Sept. 28)