With real life news reading funnier than made-up comedy bits, the Late Night kings are loving every minute of it.

Page 3's top shelf team (OK, it's one dude out on the west coast, but he's still top shelf) compiled the best sports comedy riffs from the past few days.

"The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge resigned. He's taking an even more important job. He's going to be protecting NBA fans from the Indiana Pacers." (Dec. 1)

"Basketball is 113 years old today. James Naismith invented basketball. Do you know why he invented basketball? He invented basketball because he wanted to come up with a game that would keep young men away from women and out of trouble. Well, that worked out well!" (Dec. 1)

"I don't believe President Bush knows a lot about Canada. Like today, I don't think he helped the situation when he asked to meet with their leader, Wayne Gretzky." (Nov. 30)

"This is like the coldest day of the year in California. ... It was so cold, Ron Artest got into a fight at Starbucks just so they'd dump hot coffee on him." (Nov. 30)

"Ron Artest has a rap album coming out. It's out now. I believe he recorded it under his rap name, Bust-A-Fan." (Nov. 30)

"Late Show" with David Letterman

"The New York Mets are trying to hire Pedro Martinez from the Boston Red Sox. A $37 million contract that they have offered him, and it's a pretty good deal when you think about it, because with the Mets, he'll get October off." (Nov. 30)

"Top 10 Thoughts That Cross Your Mind When Traveling 190 Miles Per Hour," as read by Nextel Cup Champion Kurt Busch (Nov. 30)

10. "Left turn, left turn, straight, left turn, left turn, straight, left turn, left turn, straight ... "

9. "Did I remember to TiVo 'Desperate Housewives?' "

8. "Oh yeah, the fumes are really kicking in now."

7. "Did I remember to take the supplemental liability coverage?"

6. "Uh, oh, that wasn't Powerade, that was Pennzoil."

5. "Damn, that Jeff Gordon is handsome."

4. "My crew chief Jimmy Fennig is a genius! I gotta suck up to him or else he'll tamper with my brakes."

3. "Turn three should have a McDonald's drive-thru."

2. "Maybe I should have put the top up."

1. "Wheeeeeee!"

"Jimmy Kimmel Live"

"Looks like Ron Artest and his pals from the Indiana Pacers are about to get in even more trouble for that fight with the fans a couple weeks ago. Police outside Detroit say they're planning to charge four players with assault and battery -- the penalty for which could range anywhere from probation to a forcible trade to the Clippers. So keep them in your prayers." (Nov. 30)

"This is funny, a great prank at the Harvard-Yale football game this weekend. Some Yale students disguised themselves as the Harvard Pep Squad and they gave out these little signs to the Harvard fans and they said when everyone holds them up it'll spell, 'Go, Harvard.' So everyone held them up and instead here's what they actually spelled (shows photo of crowd's signs saying, 'We Suck'). ... We Suck. ... Harvard won the game, though, so congratulations to viewers from both Harvard and Yale, of which I believe there are roughly zero tonight." (Nov. 30)

"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart"

From Lewis Black's "Back in Black" segment (Nov. 30):

"I'd like to begin tonight by saluting all those brave Americans putting their lives on the line in that God-forsaken hellscape, the National Basketball Association. By now we've all seen the footage of Ron Artest of the Indiana Pacers battling with fans because one of them dumped beer on him. Wait a minute. All they did was throw beer at him? I've played Detroit. That's the nicest thing that's ever happened to me there. For starting the brawl, the NBA handed Artest an unprecedented full-season suspension, the harshest penalty delivered by the league since the Julius Erving afro containment order of 1977 (shows photo of Erving's head with locked chain-link fence around it). ...

"Turning to a sport smart enough to enclose its fans behind a wall, NASCAR, where big changes are in store. Cars and race tracks will now be allowed to display ads for hard liquor, reversing a decades-old policy meant to avoid any impression NASCAR encouraged drinking and driving. Sure, hard liquor, cars that go 200 miles an hour, what could possibly go wrong? NASCAR says liquor companies have become more conscientious advocates for responsible drinking. Race car driver Jeff Burton agrees. (Shows clip of Burton saying, 'If the spirit companies take a pro-active change in making sure that it's a responsible message, that it's a no drinking and driving, no underage drinking, if they take a responsible message, at the end of the day, this could be a win.') A win? Let me show you something, this is what happens when they don't drink (shows clip of a race car flipping over and crashing during a Nextel Cup race). That's what happens when you don't use the blinker. You've gotta signal your turns.