Sometimes real life news reads funnier than made-up comedy bits. And that's where the Late Night kings come in.
Page 3's top shelf team (OK, it's one dude out on the west coast, but he's still top shelf) compiled the best riffs about the Red Sox from recent weeks.
Pedro Martinez wins the MVP award in Jimmy Kimmel's book.
"The World Series MVP was Manny Ramirez and this guy, maybe more than any of the players, is Boston. This is a New Englander through and through. Here's what Manny thought of overcoming The Curse of, I'll say it once again, the Bambino. (Shows clip of Ramirez telling an interviewer, 'I don't believe in curse. I think you make your own destination. And we did it.') ... Right, well they're the team of destination. ... The man has lived in the United States since he was 13 years old! Heh, heh, he's destination's child. ... Um, they also asked Manny where he was going after the win. And like many athletes, he had Mickey Mouse on the mind. (Shows clip of Ramirez finishing a news conference by saying, 'And I'm goin' to Disney Word.') ... Goin' to Disney Word. Heh, heh, don't forget to visit Space Mounted. (Jimmy Kimmel)
"Another ruddy-cheeked old salt, pitcher Pedro Martinez summed it all up and he really put this win into perspective. (Shows clip of Martinez telling interviewers, 'For Boston, I don't really know how much it means, but I'm pretty sure that a lot of people, if they die now, they're gonna die in peace. And uhh, I hope nobody dies and I hope we play it safe in Boston.') ... Right, well, who says these athletes only care about themselves? ... Manny got the MVP, Most Valuable Player, but Pedro got the Most Valuable Perm. So congratulations to him and his stylist. (Kimmel)
"Eighty-six years is a very long time to wait for a championship. The Fox broadcast team last night illustrated just how much has changed since the last Red Sox win in 1918. (Shows clip of in-game graphic along with a voiceover saying, 'It has been 86 years since 1918, the last time the Red Sox won the World Series, and ...
-- Vitamin C, penicillin and the polio vaccine hadn't been discovered.
-- U.S. population -- 106 million; it's 281 million now.
-- Cell phones ran on kerosene.
-- The average price of a two bedroom house was a nickel, and ...
-- There was no such thing as trees. (Kimmel)
"Our top story, the Boston Re Sox reversed 86 years of curse last night as they swept the St. Louis Cardinals with a 3-0 shutout, 3-0 shutout at Busch Stadium to win their first World Series since 1918. Temperature in hell, a chilly 26 degrees. ...
Thanks to Dave Roberts' feet, his hands get to hold the trophy.
"After the historic victory many Red Sox fans didn't know how to act. They said it felt like Ben Affleck. ...
"This just in, it seems George Steinbrenner has bought the city of Boston and renamed it New York. Son of a (expletive)! The Sox lose again." ("The Late Late Show" with guest host Jason Alexander)
From "The Daily Show with John Stewart":
Stewart: "But obviously we want to get to the big story that's going on tonight in the Middle East. Yasser Arafat, his health has been a matter of speculation for the last 24 hours. Our senior Palestinian correspondent, Rob Corddry, joins us right now from Ramallah, which is in the West Bank. Rob, thanks for joining us."
Corddry (grinning): "What's up, Jon? How ya doin'?"
Stewart: "... Uhh, I'm doing well, Rob. Now bring us up to speed. We're hearing all sorts of reports out of the Palestinian areas, what is Yasser Arafat's condition as of now?"
Corddry: "Jon, the situation here is very bad! Yasser Arafat is gravely ill and in the advanced stages of a deadly disease! ... Jon."
Stewart: "... Uhhh ... all right, Rob. Thanks for the update. You know, uh ... you seem to be pretty up. Is everyone there in such good spirits?
Corddry: "Nuhhuhoooo! Not at all, Jon! The lamentations, the rending of the garments, there's no denying it, Jon. The Palestinian people don't want their leader going, going, gone! Say goodbye!"
Stewart: "Rob, I'm gonna take a wild guess and say you caught the Red Sox game on satellite last night."
Corddry: "Whooooo! (as he puts on a Red Sox cap.) ... Yeahhhhhh! ... Whooo!"
Stewart: "Now, Rob, I mean, uh, congratulations on the game. I know you're a huge Red Sox fan, but the situation there in the Middle East is still very dire. I think you should be acting somewhat more appropriately."
Corddry: "Hey, believe me, Jon. I know a thing or two about decades of misery and disappointment. Heh, or at least I did! ... Jon, Jon, Jon, like I've been trying to tell the Palestinians here, 'Cheer up, man, anything can happen.' But, Jon, they seem unable to look past their own grinding poverty. Still ... whooooo!
Being in the middle of the pile-on is a scary situation in itself.
Stewart: "Rob, thank you for your report. Rob, keep us posted on the happenings there."
Corddry: "Sure, Jon. And on a more serious note, people always said there would be peace in the Middle East before the Sox win a World Series. And i just have to say, 'They were wrong!' Yeah, this place is a disaster! Man and it's only getting worse! In your face, Middle East! (Bringing his palm in front of his face.)
"Let's go, Red Sox! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.) Whooooo!"
Stewart: "Thank you, Rob."
"As we speak, as I am talking to you, the Boston Red Sox may be a few outs away from winning the World Series. Or they may be a few outs away from the beginning of what could be the greatest collapse in the history of sports. Either way, high drama in St. Louis right now and for God sakes, and I plead with you ... switch to the game. ... Honestly, you're not gonna miss anything here. Honestly, here's the show tonight: Bush said this, 'blah, blah, blah, blah.' Kerry said, 'blah, blah.' Lewis Black is angry. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. ... All right, it's your life if you want to sit and watch this. ... Whatever." (Stewart)
"Huge ratings for baseball on Fox. Game 7 was on in more than 20 million households. They estimate more people watched this thing than the final episodes of 'Blossom' and 'Hangin' With Mr. Cooper' combined." (Kimmel)
"All hell broke loose in Boston last night. The mayor of Boston briefly flirted with the idea of banning alcohol at bars near Fenway Park during the World Series but he came to his senses and changed his mind today. It is kinda crazy, though, how drunk people ... You wait your whole life to see your team play in the World Series and then you're so loaded you can't remember one second of it. ... It's easy ... You can enjoy a game without alcohol. In fact, in the interest of moderation, our staffers have today put together a little video to show you some ways you can watch and enjoy baseball without getting drunk. (Shows video, while describing their suggestions.) Here's one of the ways: Spin around until you get dizzy. You can also, if you care to, do shots of Pixie Stix. Or imagine the other team in their underwear. So there's some ways to enjoy baseball. ... Please don't drink." (Kimmel)
"What a crowd. Sound more excited than Ben Affleck after the Red Sox won. Tomorrow, the first day of the World Series, or as the Yankees call it, Saturday. Well, it's the Red Sox and the Cardinals, they are going to play each other in the World Series for the first time since 1967. Think about what life was like back then. It was really different, we had a bad economy, an unpopular war, the president was from Texas. Thank God those days are over." (Jay Leno)
Red Sox fans are still waiting for the Yankees to ruin the fun.
"The World Series is set, the Boston Red Sox are going to play the St. Louis Cardinals. Red Sox fans woke up thinking, 'what is this strange sensation?' It is called joy. When reached for comment, George Steinbrenner said, 'There must be some kind of mistake, I specifically purchased a championship here.' ... The trips marks a huge change for Boston as normally when a cardinal comes to town, it's to deal with somebody who has been molested. ... The Yankees were hoping to be saved by the ghost of Babe Ruth. Unfortunately, it turns out that Ruth's ghost was passed out at a ghost whorehouse." ("The Late Late Show" with Jim Rome)
"The World Series, of course, starts on Saturday and this is the latest news: The owner of Mickey Mantle's restaurant, right here in Manhattan, said that Mickey Mantle appeared to him in a dream and told him to rename the restaurant Ted Williams in honor of the Red Sox. That's what happened ... came to him in a dream and said rename the restaurant Ted Williams. Yeah, then the next night Ted Williams appeared in his dream and said, 'Screw the restaurant, how about defrosting my head?'" (Conan O'Brien)
"This just in: George Steinbrenner has fired Babe Ruth." (David Letterman)
"The Yankees are really up against it now, because no team has ever come back from four straight losses. But I think maybe the Yankees are in denial because today they announced their starting pitcher for Game 8." (Letterman)
"Last night, the celebration in Boston got crazy. The fans went insane and a group of rowdy Red Sox fans actually tipped over Ted Kennedy." (Letterman)
The "Top 10 Secrets To The Boston Red Sox Comeback," as read by Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, who was wearing a Larry Bird jersey, via satellite:
10. "Unlike the first three games, we didn't leave early to beat the traffic."
9. "We put flu virus in Jeter's Gatorade."
8. "Let's just say Pete Rose made some phone calls for us."
7. "We asked Pokey Reese to be a little less Pokey."
6. "It's not like we haven't won a big game before -- it's just been 86 years."
There's no greater feeling than watching your team celebrate at Yankee Stadium.
5. "Honestly, I think we were tired of hearing about the Patriots."
4. "The messages of encouragement Martha sent on prison napkins."
3. "We pretended the baseball was Letterman's head."
2. "What'd you expect -- we have a guy who looks like Jesus!"
1. "We got Babe Ruth's ghost a hooker and now everything's cool." (Letterman)
From "The Daily Show with John Stewart":
Stewart: "We're also recovering in the city, here in New York, a bit of mourning. An amazing night for the city of Boston, we're actually gonna go right out there now to Rob Corddry, who is in Boston. He joins us from outside Faneuil Hall. Now, Rob, I want to point out you're from the area, you're a huge Red Sox fan, I do congratulate you."
Corddry: "Thank you, Jon."
Stewart: "And I wish you well, um, Rob, the Red Sox (were) down 3-0 against their archrivals, the Yankees. A historic comeback to win the series. I mean, (in a Boston accent) 'Come on , Corddry! What's the mood like up there right now?"
Corddry: "The mood, Jon. I'd say the mood here is hopeful. Cautiously optimistic. People here feel the Sox have the Yankees more or less where they want 'em. But only time will tell, Jon."
Stewart: "They have the Yankees where they want 'em? Rob, it's over. The Red Sox beat the Yankees. ...
Corddry (interrupting): "Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, Jon, Jon, Jon, you're gonna jinx it, man. You're gonna jinx it! Something could still happen. Umm, there could be a forfeit. Or the pennant could go through Buckner's legs, I don't know. Derek Jeter could fly counterclockwise around the Earth really, really fast until it's the night before like Superman did. It's the Yankees, Jon. They're always pulling s--- like that."
Stewart: "Rob, I would imagine that at least on this night, on this night there would be jubilation in Boston."
Corddry: "Jon, I'm a Sox fan. Failure is all I know. But after last night I'm feeling almost ... umm, almost ... successful, is that a word? I don't care for it, man."
Stewart: "Are you at least looking forward to the World Series?
Corddry: "Yes, yes, yes, which we could still blow. ... And in some staggeringly biblical fashion. I mean that ... would be heartbreaking (a smile slowly brightens his face as he looks off to the distance, fantasizing), heartbreaking."
Stewart: "Thank you very much, Rob. Enjoy it up there. Rob Corddry, everybody. ... 'Come on Corddry, slap me! Come on!'"
Pedro Martinez is practicing an end-of-the-world drill.
"At 1 a.m. I was drinking a beer in my underwear, watching the Yankees and Red Sox, and then they threw me out of Hooters." (Letterman)
"Work in this office has come to a complete halt because of this stupid baseball game. People don't even realize there's another game, you know the Astros and Cardinals are playing, too. It's all Yankees-Red Sox around here and you can understand why because this is the third time the Yankees and Red Sox have met in the postseason. They played before in '99 and 2003. So you can see this rivalry is almost 5 years old." (Kimmel)
"Everybody excited about the baseball playoffs? Tonight the American League Championship Series begins between the Yankees and the Red Sox. This is pretty exciting stuff. If the Yankees win, not the game but the series, if the Yankees win it means they will capture their 40th pennant. If the Red Sox win it means Wilfred Brimley has a shot at Halle Berry." (O'Brien)
"Earlier tonight was the Yankees and the Red Sox, and here's another sure sign of autumn: the annual transition for the Red Sox from false hope to heartbreaking defeat." (Letterman)
"Now Boston will play the New York Yankees, and if the Red Sox win that series, they'll go on and play in the World Series and then, if the Red Sox win the World Series, then the Earth will crack open and we'll all die!" (Leno)