ESPN.com - Tale of the Tape:<br>Walton vs. Robinson

ESPN.com: Page 2

Monday, July 2, 2001
Tale of the Tape:
Walton vs. Robinson

By Nick Bakay
Page 2

When it comes to hyper-critical redheads, a pair of twins tower over the rest: outspoken Bill Walton and chilly Anne Robinson.

Who is the weakest link?

She can dish it out, but can she take it? He withered as a guest on "The Weakest Link," but was that because of a decided home-field advantage as Robinson took the opportunity to dish up the last, desperate swings of a fallen empire?

Robinson and Walton. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape.

The "Weakest Link" rematch
Category	Bill Walton	Anne Robinson	Advantage
Coattails they rode to the top	Larry Bird	Regis Philbin	Walton
Wooden	His mentor	The only word to describe her stage presence	Walton
The price they pay	He does Clippers games	She uses a British dentist	Push
What they say	"A horrible game plan that typifies the horrible state of the league!"	"Is there a ventriloquist missing its dummy?"	Push
What they mean	"Who the heck do I have to criticize to get promoted to the A-games with Marv?"	"Dear God, don't let the tele-promp break. Left to my own devices, the meanest thing I can think of to say is 'You're stupid.' "	Push
Playing hurt	"My back can't take the strain of bending over to interview Iverson."	"All this leather chafes my bum!"	Walton
Playing career ended by	Bad feet	Bad personality	Walton
Previous incarnations	A Deadhead	A young sadist	Walton
Could make big bucks by teaching	Clinics for big men	A spanking workshop at the Learning Annex	Robinson -- Can't a man relax?
Championships	College and the pros	Won this year's top honors for milking a one-dimensional gimmick the furthest	Walton
Overdeveloped	Pituitary gland	Bile duct	Walton
Shelf life	30 years and counting	Start the clock ... what? It's over?	Walton
Paternal pride	Watched his son play in the Final Four	Watched her pet tarantula eat its mate	Walton

So, there you have it. In a public humiliation rivaled only by a good, swift caning, the advantage goes to ... Bill Walton.

Well, well, well, Mrs. Robinson -- did you forget to pack your charisma? Hang in there, Annie. If I really wanted to hurt you, I'd mention that if it weren't for the good old USA, you'd have made your fame hosting a show on Deutche TV.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.