Tuesday, September 25, 2001
The All-NFL Ramblings
By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist
Random thoughts from a guy who watched 14 out of a possible 14 hours of NFL action over the past two days ...
Nobody quits on a pass pattern in the waning moments of a loss quite like Randy Moss.
Does "icing the kicker" ever work?
After I went flying through the windshield of the James Thrash Fantasy Bandwagon in Week 1, I landed in front of the car, then it started up again and rolled right over me.
Every Andy Reid-Mike Holmgren coaching matchup should be preceded by a celebrity coin flip from Craig Stadler.
All right, I'll say it: The Bengals are downright frisky.
My favorite "sports owner who always seems like he's drunk even though he probably isn't" is Red McCombs.
Reason No. 245,634 why I love DirecTV: Ty Detmer submitting that 7-INT, Paul Crewe-esque "If we don't lose this game by at least 21 points, the Warden's
blaming me for Caretaker's death" performances in Cleveland. Highest of high comedy.
I'd like to hear Tom Brokaw announce a Giants game just to hear him say the word "Jurevicius."
Memo to every NFL team: Start double-teaming Rod Smith. Just trust me on this one.
Daunte Culpepper made more bad decisions in the past two games than Johnny Utah did during the entire "Point Break" investigation.
My favorite moment of the weekend: During the second half of the Seahawks-Eagles game, Fox showed a Seattle fan sitting in the stands wearing an authentic No. 8 "Hasselbeck" jersey and a "Who farted?" look on his face.
(Lemme put my Jim Ross mask on for a second here: "Wait a second ... what's that? Good God! Th-that's Trent Dilfer's music!")
I'll be honest: Flea flickers always put a hop in my step.
You know, I liked "Max Bickford" the first time around ... when it was called "Mr. Holland's Opus."
The worst thing about not having roommates during the NFL season is that nobody's there for the obligatory laugh after you make the requisite
"Michael Bates is the master of kickoff returns" joke.
Hey, how come only white quarterbacks seem to suffer concussions? This should be the subject of Jon Entine's next book, "Taboo 2: The Concussions."
I'm naming my first son either "Takeo" or "Az-Zahir."
If there's room in the budget to hire a sideline reporter when I get married, I'm pulling out all the stops to land Beasley Reece. Then he could walk around during the reception and ask questions like "There's a lot of emotion in this place today ... describe your emotions right now."
There isn't a dumber rule in sports than "Offsetting unnecessary roughness penalties."
Random observations from Week 2: Kurt Warner still looks a little shaky after that concussion last December ... it only took 16 years, but Doug Flutie finally found the right NFL team ... no NFL referee is more jacked than Ed Hochuli ... Giants punter Rodney Williams is "The Next Ray Guy" and "The Next Reggie Roby" ... "Brent Jones in the TV booth" is the gift of comedy that keeps on giving.
Am I the only one keeping my fingers crossed for a "SportsCentury and Beyond: Billy 'White Shoes' Johnson" episode?
Does Dr. Pepper really make the world taste better? Can I get a vote here?
My favorite thing about 49ers games: the random "Generic Tight End" who ends up starting for San Fran every year. And it's never the same guy ... the only
constants are that he's usually white and he's usually wearing No. 85. It's like they call the NFL Player's Union right before the start of every season
and say, "All right, what do you have left in the tight end department? You take money orders, right?"
Speaking of white guys, is it too early to induct Vinny Sutherland in the "Kurt Sohn Memorial Caucasian Kick Returner Hall of Fame"?
I'm not sure if John Abraham is the next LT, but he's definitely the next
Derrick Thomas, at the very least.
Here's what I don't understand... can you have a false start after the snap?
The most devastating single injury of the season so far -- just in terms of how it affected the player's team -- was Jamal Lewis' torn ACL. Ed McCaffrey's broken leg was a distant second. Shane Matthews's bruised ribs
comes in last.
There are roughly 330 linebackers in the NFL right now with the last name "Lewis."
Thomas Jones... yikes. Ditto for Michael Bennett. And while we're on the
subject of alleged fantasy sleepers who are currently in a coma, every time I think about the fact that I selected Trent Green in the third round of my
fantasy draft, it gives me that same feeling I get when I'm sifting through my
CD collection and stumble across "The Best of George Michael."
Two words for the Bledsoe-less Patriots: "Ewing Theory."
Terrell Davis might be sidelined for six weeks with another knee operation, but -- on the bright side -- he's finally eligible for the WNBA Draft.
You know, nobody has a cooler voice than the guy who reads the CBS/NFL promos. Every time I hear him read anything, I always spend the next 10 minutes imitating non-football sentences he might say -- only in his ultra-smooth narrator voice -- like "I'll have a Bud Light and an order of Buffalo Wings" or "How much does it cost for 30 minutes in the Champagne Room?"
(This never gets old. Just trust me. You can do it for hours.)
I can't wait for the fall TV season to kick off just for another season of Pat Summerall saying, :Coming up tonight on Fox, 'Malcolm!' (awkward pause)
... 'In The Middle!' "
Put it this way: If I'm flicking channels during the 1 o'clock games and stumble across Michael Vick running onto the field to QB the Falcons for a series, I'm not changing the channel until the next commercial.
There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy ... and then there's the picture of Tim Brando and Spencer Tillman that CBS uses to
promote its college football studio show.
Note to Mike Martz: Ease up on the Red Bull.
I don't want to sound like a wuss or anything, but the ads for "Don't Say a Word" gave me the creeps all weekend.
Can't one of the NFL teams pick up Tim Hasselbeck as a third-string QB, just so we can get the requisite 4-6 shots per game of Elisabeth Filarski in the
Since the Jim McMahon Era ended, the Bears QB position has undergone more changes than the lead in the "Emmanuelle" movie series.
You know, I enjoy Jon Kitna's work, if only because he's the kind of guy who
runs the length of the field after a long TD pass and does the "Five seconds after everyone already finished celebrating the catch in the end zone" jump
that knocks everybody over.
(Hey, that reminds me ... FLUTIE! KITNA! The undefeated Bengals battle the undefeated Chargers, Sunday at 1:00 on CBS!!!!!!!!)
I would take a blood transfusion from Charlie Sheen before I ever lay points with Ty Detmer on the road.
Four teams Terry Glenn could definitely help if his head's on straight: Denver, Minnesota, San Francisco and Seattle.
(And could those cities take Carl Everett while they're at it? We'll throw him in free of charge! Come on, a former All-Pro wide receiver and a former
.300/30 center fielder ... a 2-for-1 sale!!!! Anyone? Any takers?)
I wish I could buy stock in things like " 'Fox's 'Best Damn Sports Show, Period' will get yanked off the air within three months."
Packers d-lineman Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila's name means "Big Man Come and Save
Me" in Nigerian. I don't even have a joke here.
The Inevitable Fred Taylor Injury has replaced one of my friends calling me
just to ask, "What the hell's the deal with John Madden's eyebrows?" as my favorite sign that the NFL season has finally kicked off.
Speaking of Fred, can they bring back those old ABC "Superstars" shows and refine it to include only NFL players who always get injured? Can you
imagine? It could be a "Last Man Standing Wins the Money" decathalon featuring Michael Westbrook, Terry Glenn, Terrell Davis, Fred Taylor, Chris Chandler, Tim Biakabatuka ... I'm telling you, this would be a ratings gold mine.
Stat of the year: Dick Hantak is the only referee who has worked in NFL games in three different decades.
I'm so fired up for "Love Cruise: Maiden Voyage" that, frankly, it frightens me.
You know you're getting old when you start having problems with your Marty Mornhinweg.
Every time I see the name "Bubba Franks" on my TV screen, I keep thinking
that I inadvertently turned to the Spice Channel just in time to catch the opening credits for "My Baby Got Back 3."
Finally, after Monday night's game, we have a new addition to the family of memorable sports faces, joining the Derek Lowe Face and the esteemed Troy Aikman Face. Ladies and gentleman, I submit to you ... the Jeff George Face!
You ever notice when things are falling apart for George's teams and they show the close-up of him lining up behind center with that "McMurphy from
'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' " look? You know, like he's been electro-shocked one too many times and now he's just hoping the Chief will
sneak into the Redskins huddle and shove a pillow over his face? That glassy-eyed, bug-eyed, emotionless, "Maybe I'll just fall down if they blitz
again" look? It's the Jeff George Face!
Big day. Until next time ...
Bill Simmons writes three columns a week for Page 2.