ESPN.com - Tale of Tape: Washington Mike vs. Vegas Elvis

ESPN.com: Page 2

Tuesday, September 25, 2001
Updated: September 26, 10:56 AM ET
Tale of Tape: Washington Mike vs. Vegas Elvis

By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

The Second Coming of MJ. Actually, the Third Coming, but who's counting?

Will it be glorious? Or will it remind us of the disturbing doppleganger ... yes, I said doppleganger ... of a Las Vegas Elvis impersonator? After all, the guy did walk away from the game on the perfect note. But I say welcome back -- and kudos for honoring a long-standing tradition -- giving the people what they want, regardless of your ability to live up to your own past.

I mean, look at Elvis -- he wasn't exactly at the top of his game for the last 10 years of his career, and he was never more loved! In fact he's still loved, if you're willing to factor in the thousands of men who have devoted their lives to impersonating the king! Because they give the people what they want! Or wanted, as the case may be ...

The real Michael Jordan, the fake Elvis, it all comes down to how you want to be remembered. One lives in the shadow of a legend, the other will have to learn how to live in his own shadow. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Washington Mike vs. Vegas Elvis
Category	Washington Mike	Vegas Elvis	Advantage
The dream	To win his seventh title	To finally quit his day job at Stuckeys and marry a Priscilla impersonator	Mike
Pride takes a holiday	It's hard to stand tall in a jersey that says "Wizzz."	Your last round of cosmetic surgery left you looking more like Roy Orbison.	Push
Favorite movie	"Space Jam"	"3,000 Miles to Graceland"	Push, and pass me the DVD for "King Creole"
Tongues	Clean, and fully extended	Fat, wet and flecked with remnants of a burnt bacon and banana sandwich	Elvis -- you ever tried a burnt bbs? Lord have mercy!
Signs of age	No longer has to shave his head.	A belt the size of the Hoover Dam to hide the undulating tide of belly	Mike
Svengalis they may miss this time around	Jerry Krause	Col. Tom Parker	Push
Last job held	Absentee general manager	Absentee dad	Mike
How they get into game shape	Round up some NBA players and scrimmage	Round up some CDs and lip snyc	Mike
Can't afford to ...	Sign any more starters	Shoot TV sets in anger	Mike
Center stage	The MCI Center	Breakfast show at Binion's Horseshoe	Elvis -- you can't double down at the MCI.
Upside	Wizard fans can cheer again.	Elvis fans can squint their eyes and pretend you aren't a dead ringer for Dan Blocker.	Mike
Motivations	A perfect ending marred by an unnoticed offensive foul	Great music shouldn't go to waste -- it should be ground into livestock feed.	Mike
Compared to former self	Older, wiser	Younger, soberer, and still able to tie his shoes without breaking a sweat	Push
New position	Small forward	Between the craps table and the elevators	Elvis
Sad moment	A nearly blown layup	Stuck in the buffet line behind a Prince impersonator	Mike -- unless that buffet features a burnt bbs, baby!
Tall orders	Pretending the young Wizards have "potential"	Hitting the high notes in "Teddy Bear"	Push
Dennis Rodman	A fond memory	An occasional duet partner	Elvis ... thank you very much
Which incarnation will it be?	Bulls Mike, Baseball Mike or Nobody Beats the Wiz Mike	Rockabilly, Hollywood or Bloated	Mike
Demographics	Teammates so young they remember you from that cartoon with Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson	Audiences so old they toast you with shots of Ensure	Push
Tight fits	Squeezing yourself under the salary cap	Squeezing yourself into last year's jump suit	Push ... hard!
Time to hang it up	In practice, you get schooled by Tyronn Lue.	The night you get upstaged by a contortionist	Push
A sign of the times	Your teammates are actually a decent CBA team	Your "band" is actually a karaoke machine	Elvis
Damn!	Can't officiate at a wedding	Will never be asked to endorse underpants	Elvis
Playing weight	Consistent year round	Fluctuates depending on what year he's pretending to be in	Mike

So there you have it, it's all so simple when you break things down scientifically -- in a victory of the vertical game over the horizontal game, the advantage goes to Michael Jordan.

The guy has yet to make a wrong move on the court. But hang in there all you Vegas Elvii, I hear the real Elvis was recently spotted in Michigan, holding a closed door workout for Joe Dumars.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you: The numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.