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Monday, October 15, 2001
Updated: November 27, 3:32 PM ET

Breckin Meyer


Page 2 staff

Breckin Meyer is the star of "Inside Schwartz" (Thursdays at 8:30 p.m. on NBC), which got terrible reviews -- including from Page 2 -- but still turned out to be the highest-rated new TV show of the year after its first week.

Breckin Meyer
Breckin Meyer
Should we go easy on Meyer, we wondered, just because we dissed his show? Nah. We figured we show the man some respect the only way we know how -- by firing 10 Burning Questions right at his head. Meyer, we have to admit, stood in there and showed us some bold and classy moves of his own.

1. Page 2: Your character on "Inside Schwartz" plays a wannabe sportscaster. Truth be told, Charlie Steiner's been hitting the doughnut table here a bit too hard, and we need to dump a little salary. Any chance the producers would let us swap Dan Patrick for you?
Breckin Meyer: Wow. I don't know, I'd have to think about that, but it's an opportunity that would be hard to pass up.

Inside Schwartz
Inside Schwartz
1a. OK, what if we throw in a free ESPN The Magazine fleece?
Meyer: Just like C-Webb wears? Wow, and that's only for subscribers ... Oh yeah, I don't know how the hell you could turn that down. I'm in. Bring Patrick.

2. Who's been the coolest guy to work with on the set?
Meyer: Magic was great. He's the most charming guy on and off the court. Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin taught me how to dance, so that'll be great if I'm ever not 5-foot-6 and in the NFL.

2a. Be honest, your end zone jigginess factor -- White Shoes Johnson or Don Beebe?
Meyer: Let's just say my dancing skills are right below my basketball skills, which are right below my pottery skills.

Earvin
Magic Johnson
2b. Did you show Magic the skills, or if applicable, the skillz?
Meyer: Magic tossed me a no-look pass that I totally dropped. Always gotta have your eyes open. But Magic wouldn't play on my hoop at work. I have one for outside, with the sandbox bottom so you can't tip it over when you dunk, which is a big problem for me. It's adjustable though, so sometimes I lower it to pretend I'm half man/half mediocre. But Magic wouldn't play me on it.

He's afraid of my quickness.

2c. What would've lasted longer, you and Magic 1-on-1 or "The Magic Hour"?
Meyer: I'm not even touching that.

Dick Butkus
Dick Butkus
3. Dick Butkus appeared on the "Inside Schwartz" pilot. How scary is that guy in person?
Meyer: Dick was great, but I didn't bother him, of course. You look at what he's done for a living and what I do, and if something goes down, you're putting your money on him. Miriam Shore did call him Mike Ditka once. I guess she's OK, all her limbs are in the right places. I'm glad I wasn't there for it; I would have giggled.

3a. Could anything be less manly than giggling in front of Dick Butkus? He'd probably eat you for that.
Meyer: Maybe I could get Mills Lane in there -- that guy is a brick monster. I would put money on Mills to take on anybody. He tapped me in the stomach, and I was down for like a day.

4. Bill Walton also appeared in the pilot. How many times does he say "terrible" in a normal conversation?
Meyer: He said it quite often when critiquing my performance. It's a word that's certainly in his vocabulary. Bill guaranteed that the San Antonio Spurs would win the championship, so I would say Bill's psychic ability is pretty "terrible." I need to find him to talk to him about that. I'll send Shaq.

5. You were in "Escape from L.A." with Kurt Russell. Better surfer, Greg Brady or Snake Plisskin?
Meyer: You gotta go with Snake there. He's out there for his life, Greg's just out there for the ladies, fooling around. Plus Greg crashed with the whole bad tiki thing too, which is just not clutch.

Amy Smart
Amy Smart
6. You've seen Amy Smart ("Road Trip") naked. Would you trade that for an NBA championship with the Lakers?
Meyer: That's a tough one. If they let me suit up and take a shot, I'd trade it, but unless I actually get to hold the rock, you can't take that away from me. It's gotta be a high-stakes kind of thing. Gimme a week of Shaq's salary. I'm glad to say I don't know if you could take it out of my head.

6a. You were also Drew Barrymore's first kiss. Any plans to buy a lottery ticket, since you're officially the world's luckiest man?
Drew Barrymore
Drew Barrymore
Meyer: I think I'm probably out of luck -- I think I peaked too soon. The whole acting thing? Pfft.

7. You did the voice for "Spud" in 1985 Potato Head Kids, thereby begging the question, who's the better Spud, Webb or McKenzie or Idaho baked?
Meyer: Spud was my first voice-over gig. That's where I learned my Barry White voice, my Barry-tone. But I gotta take Spud Webb over a dog and a potato. I'm giving love out to the little man, he can dunk and he's 5-6. I can't even touch the rim while I'm assembling it. Spuds would absolutely take me to the hole.

Dennis Rodman
Dennis Rodman
8. Stranger person -- Tom Green, Rowan Atkinson or Dennis Rodman?
Meyer: Rodmania takes the cake. Rowan is just the coolest, sweetest guy on the planet, and Tom is surprisingly quiet until you turn the cameras on and let him go.

9. Which three people, from all of history, would you like to sit down to dinner with? What would you serve them? Why?
Meyer: I'd invite Shaq. I'd invite MJ ... and ... the Philly Phanatic, he'd be fun. I'd serve steak and potatoes because that's what I like, and if they don't like it, get the hell out of my house.

Philly Phanatic
Philly Phanatic
9a. Do you think the Philly Phanatic would need a special chair? The guy's got hips like he was some kind of Dennis Green/Rick Majerus cloning experiment gone wrong.
Meyer: I'd just bring a bench out. Actually, I'd put them all in small chairs and put me in really high chair so they'd have to look up to me.

10. You're in the business, you probably know Piper Perabo. Any chance she'd go out with a 22-year-old sportswriter with a lighted Spuds McKenzie above his computer?
Meyer: I gotta say -- wait, Spuds lights up?

Perabo
Piper Perabo
10a. Dude, it's only high class at ESPN.com.
Meyer: Then I think the question is: why wouldn't she? The Spuds means you've got love for the past, an antique eye. You're old school.

10b. She's from Tom's River, N.J., home of Al Leiter, you know. Whaddya think, "Road Trip"?
Meyer: Ummm ... no.

10(c). Damn