"Anybody can hit 73 in this era of the juiced-ball. It's not a pitcher's game like it was back in 1998."

"I can hardly remember what life was like before I discovered the joy of fast food, weight training and, of course, Andro."

"You know, on second thought, maybe combining a perm with a mullet was a bad idea."

"Sometimes life just ain't fair. I've hit 121 more homers than Jose -- yet he's the Bash Brother who ends up dating Madonna."

"Wow! Having your son as your batboy for a record-setting homer. Now, that's an original idea."

"How can the Cards replace me? Well, they'll need to find a burly A's first baseman with wild hair, big arms and a goatee. Hmmm ... anyone come to mind?"

"I love Sammy, but he got just a little bit too clingy back in '98."