ESPN.com - It's Bud's world, after all

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Tuesday, November 20, 2001
It's Bud's world, after all

By Jim Caple
Page 2

No one thought commissioner Bud Selig's reputation could possibly sink any lower than it did after he canceled the World Series, but we underestimated the old used-car salesman. Turns out there isn't a limbo pole low enough that Selig can't slink under.


	Just imagine if this man had his finger on the button.

As everyone knows by now, Selig waited just two days after a dramatic, uplifting and highly popular World Series before announcing his reprehensible and poorly conceived contraction plan. He not only picked a time of national crisis to rip the heart out of two communities, he rubbed salt in the wound by telling reporters that he didn't see anything sad about murdering two teams.

(And in a related development, Selig says he didn't cry at the end of "Brian's Song," either.)

With the pathetic, offensive leadership he's providing baseball, we can only be thankful that Bud isn't in charge of things other than our National Pastime ...

President Selig's Not-So United States
President Bud Selig used his first State of the Union address to announce that he is contracting America from 50 to 46 states.

"While the state of the union is stronger than ever, we must also adapt to changing economic pressures in a shrinking world order," Selig said. "We can no longer condemn small market states to whither on the vine, doomed to finish last in all the Rand McNally and Fortune rankings."

Selig refused to name which states will be contracted, but White House sources strongly indicate that Minnesota, Mississippi, Arkansas and both Dakotas are the most likely. Asked to comment on the speculated states, Selig replied, "They are where they are."


	If South Dakota is contracted, Mount Rushmore could be the No. 1 pick in the dispersal draft.

Selig stressed this is a serious plan that will go through and is not a threat designed to gain leverage with the House of Representatives. "Some senators wanted to eliminate as many as eight states," the president warned.

The president denied that his contraction announcement is a sad day for the country. "Sad, why do you think this a sad day?" he said. "Was it a sad day when the southern states seceded from the Union? Was it a sad day when the government drove the Indians from their land and infected them with smallpox? Was it a sad day when the Germans sank the Lusitania?"

Under the contraction plan, the natural and economic assets of the eliminated states would be awarded to the remaining states in a dispersal draft, with states picking in reverse order of their finish in the standings (Delaware has the first pick, followed by Rhode Island and Wyoming).

CNN geography analyst Jeff Greenfield speculated that Mount Rushmore will be the first monument to go in the dispersal draft, followed by Wal-Mart's world headquarters, the Mall of America and Miss Mississippi.

Selig sees a smaller world, after all
In his first move since taking over the Disney corporation from Michael Eisner, CEO Bud Selig announced that he is contracting the Magic Kingdom by at least two dozen characters.


	Donald Duck hasn't been able to afford a good pair of pants in years.

We've got some smaller revenue characters who are really hurting and on the verge of bankruptcy," Selig told reporters. "For gosh sakes, Donald Duck hasn't been able to afford a pair of pants for decades."

Selig did not specify which or how many characters would be contracted, but the most likely to go include both Chip and Dale, Snow White and at least three Dwarfs (probably Sneezy, Happy and Bashful), Brer Fox and Brer Bear, Eeyore and Owl, Huey and Dewey (but not Louie), and either Goofy or Pluto.

Selig to Christmas: Bah, humbug!
Marshall Field's CEO Bud Selig announced the department store is contracting its famed annual Christmas display, reducing it to "The Nine Days of Christmas."

"Sad? This isn't sad. Frankly, this is a move we should have made years ago," Selig told reporters. "Holiday shoppers had their chance to support the full 12 days of Christmas and chose not to. If we continue to tax the other days through revenue sharing, we'll soon be down to three gold rings and one turtle dove. My critics do not appreciate the financial drain to keep 10 lords a-leaping."

While Selig declined to name which days would be contracted, the U.S. Dairy Association reacted aggressively by asking for a court injunction that would require the eight maids to continue a-milking in 2002.

Selig leaves bigger holes in Krispy Kreme
One day after Krispy Kreme reported record profits during its third quarter, new CEO Bud Selig announced the details of the doughnut giant's controversial contraction plan.

"We are reducing the size of a dozen doughnuts from 12 to 10," Selig said. "This is not a sad day for doughnut lovers but a necessary restructuring. No one eats the 11th and 12th doughnut, anyway. They are what they are. Rather than let these small-market doughnuts mold uneaten and forgotten in the corner of the box, we will simply contract them, thereby reducing our costs and strengthening the rest of our doughnuts. The nation will be leaner and healthier because of our bold move."

Selig refused to reveal which doughnuts would be contracted, but they are believed to be the mushy one that has a thumbprint near the doughnut hole and the lopsided one that looks like someone already bit into it.

Selig says he's out of Synch


	If Selig has his way, either Chris Kirkpatrick, right, or Lance Bass, center, could be out of work.

Jive Records CEO Bud Selig announced today that he will attempt to strengthen his record label by contracting the popular boy group, *NSync. Selig did not announce which *NSync performer will be contracted, but speculation is focused on Lance Bass and Chris Kirkpatrick.

"The public has made this an easy and painless decision," Selig said. "We feel that we can better serve the public, reduce travel costs substantially and lessen the amount of revenue sharing among the remaining members by contracting the group from five annoying, untalented singers to four annoying, untalented singers."

Selig said there was no opposition whatsoever to the contraction plan. "In fact," he said, "we heard from many parents and music critics who favored contracting all five, plus the Backstreet Boys."

Jim Caple is a senior writer for Page 2.