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Thursday, December 13, 2001
Updated: May 31, 2:08 PM ET
I come bearing gifts

By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist

After spending the past two weekends trekking to various malls trying to locate the best sports-related gifts on the market, here are Santa Sports Guy's hand-picked choices for the 2001 holiday season:

"Operation 2001"
Rob Johnson
Talk about a tough game! You can try to heal Bills QB Rob Johnson in "Operation 2001."
Remember the old game "Operation" that you played as a kid? It's finally back, with a new replica patient for 2001 -- Bills quarterback Rob Johnson! If you're a frustrated team surgeon, this is the game for you. Have you ever fixed a broken collarbone? Ever set a fractured ankle? Ever dreamed about cleaning out bone chips from a knee? Ever performed electromagnetic treatment on a pulled hamstring? Ever examined someone for a concussion? Now's your chance!

A year's subscription to ESPN The Magazine
Act now for the low price of $54.99 for 52 issues and you'll receive a new copy of the NFL Films video "That's Right, Baby!" -- an hour of onfield/sideline footage of NFL players screaming encouragement to one another and trash-talking other players while ending every sentence with the word, "baby."

Don't miss some of these classic moments:

Ray Lewis
"They gettin' tired, baby, they gettin' tired! This is our time, baby!"
"That's the ticket, baby! That's the ticket, baby!" -- Keyshawn Johnson.

"Yea, baby! Whoooo! That's it, offense! Come on, baby!" -- Bryan Cox.

"They gettin' tired, baby, they gettin' tired! This is our time, baby!" -- Ray Lewis.

"Hey, 72? You ain' %#$#, baby! Hear me? You ain't %#$#, baby!" -- Tony Siragusa.

"I'm coming all day, baby! All day, baby! Ain't no stopping me, baby!" -- Warren Sapp.

"That's why we the champs, baby!" -- Shannon Sharpe.

"Woooooo! Woooooo! %#$@& %*&@ ^%#$@&, baby!" -- Randy Moss.

"This is our house, baby! This is our house, baby!" -- Lavar Arrington.

"Wave 'Em On: A Season Coaching First Base in the Big Leagues," by Lee Mazzilli
In this hard-hitting non-fiction debut from the former Mets star, Mazz recounts his season coaching first base for the Yankees and divulges his secrets for coaching first base at the major-league level. Chapters include:

  • The detailed story behind how Mazz was the first person to high-five Tino Martinez after Tino's game-tying homer in Game 4 of the World Series, as well as the first person to high-five Scott Brosius after Brosius's game-winning homer in Game 5 of the Series.

    Lee Mazzilli, Paul O'Neil
    Lee Mazzilli tells all in his new book -- even the dirt on his run-ins with Paul O'Neill.
  • Some of his favorite argument-starters with first base umpires, including, "Come on, Blue!", "He was off the bag!" and "Can't you see that's a balk?!?!"

  • How he yelled, "Get back!" to Chuck Knoblauch a record-setting 15 times during an April series between the Yanks and Sox at Fenway.

  • How he mastered the art of carrying a helmet and batting gloves from second base to the dugout without tripping.

  • Some of this favorite things to yell at Yankee batters, including "Start us off, baby!", "How 'bout a little bingo?" and "Let's see whatcha got! Come on now!"

  • How Paul O'Neill wouldn't speak to him for a month because he forgot to slap O'Neill on the butt after an inning-starting walk at Comerica Park in June, ending their 35-game consecutive streak.

    The WNBA
    Would you like to own your own women's professional basketball league? Amazingly, the WNBA can be yours for just $99.95. Included in the package: Ten professional women's basketball teams, the contracts of over 120 players, and a lifesize replica of former NBA star Orlando Woolridge (one order left).

    "Female Athletes Walking In High Heels, Volume One"
    Marion Jones
    Marion Jones is one of the many female athletes who will explain how they walk in those awkward high heels at the ESPYs.
    For the first time ever, ESPN Video has compiled all the video clips of every female star who has ever accepted an ESPY Award -- just the parts when they stiffly walked across the stage in high heels -- and compiled this footage onto one DVD! Yes, they're all here: Chamique Holdsclaw, Kathy Freeman, Marion Jones, Cynthia Cooper and many more, as well as deleted scenes and director's commentary from Lindsay Davenport and Mia Hamm.

    Act quickly and you'll also get the brand-new video from NBA Entertainment, "Greatest Player Reactions During the NBA Dunk Contest" -- featuring NBA stars like Dikembe Mutombo, Chris Webber, Kevin Garnett, Jalen Rose and Shaquille O'Neal -- as they watch the Dunk Contest while alternately falling backwards, opening their mouth as wide as possible in apparent shock, slapping the floor, standing up and screaming, and falling onto the lap of the person sitting next to them.

    Monopoly (MLB Edition)
    The makers of "Monopoly" put their heads together and totally redesigned their board to make it just like professional baseball! Remember how the purples (Baltic Avenue and Mediterranean Avenue) are the cheapest properties in Monopoly? In the baseball version, Pittsburgh, Montreal, Minnesota, Kansas City, Toronto, Cincinnati, Florida, Philadelphia, Tampa Bay, Oakland, Milwaukee, Anaheim and Cleveland take up two sides of the board with low income property! Middle-class housing takes up the third side, while the final side (the high-rent properties) are gobbled up by Colorado, the New York teams, Boston, Los Angeles and Arizona.

    You want to talk about fun? Well, in baseball monopoly, you can only build houses and hotels on the blue property! Who cares about competitive balance? If you don't buy those properties in the beginning of the game, you're done. See you next year.

    The Jerry Jones "Do-It-Yourself" Facelift Kit
    Yours for the same price Jerry spent on his facelift... just $24.99!

    Mario Lemieux's "How to Sound Like an NHL Player" Kit
    Mario Lemieux
    With Mario Lemieux's help, you could be talking like an NHL player in no time.
    Ever wanted to talk like an NHL player? The NHL superstar has released a mammoth "How to sound like an NHL player package" that includes an instructional book and three audiotapes. With weeks of practice, you'll finally learn how the NHL players can talk in the same excruciating lingo day after day.

    Learn how to refer to your teammates only as "The Guys." Learn how to pronounce words like organization ("or-gan-EYE-za-shun") and franchise ("Frahn-chEYEze"). Learn how to end every sentence to every question with the phrase, "And, uh, we gotta go out there and, uh, keep working hard and making things happen and, uh, everything should turn out okay." Even learn how to add a "y" or an "ie" to every name you mention (Stevie, Billy, Robby, Kenny, Patty, Tommy, Mikey, Joey, Johnny, Timmy, Petey, and so on). It's fun for the whole family!

    The CBS V-Chip
    Have you gambled on a random, meaningless NFL game this season, then watched your favorite team on CBS that afternoon ... and you couldn't stop staring at that hypnotic running mini-scoreboard to monitor your meaningless bet (because CBS permanently planted that scoreboard into the top left corner of their picture this season)? Within a few minutes, your whole Sunday has been ruined as you find yourself squinting into that left corner and waiting for a score change, a quarter change, anything.

    Well, for only $199.99, the CBS V-Chip digitally erases that mini-scoreboard from the screen, allowing you to sit back, relax, enjoy the telecast and savor the unexpected excitement of the 10-minute ticker, just like the old days (when you could gamble without having a constant heart attack for three straight hours).

    Which reminds me...

    "The Fox 10-Minute Ticker Alarm Clock"
    Have trouble waking up in the morning? Now you'll be jolted out of your sleep by the high-pitched, "Duh duh DUH... duh duh DUH" sound that signifies the arrival of Fox's "10-Minute Ticker" during Sunday NFL games. Scores! Scores! They're about to show updated scores! By the time you realize that you've been tricked out of a deep sleep, you'll be ticked off, awake and ready to start the day.

    Fred Taylor's "Pull Your Own Groin" Start-Up Kit
    (Banned in Florida, Tennessee and Delaware)

    Topps' "Athletes with Goofy Names" Trading Cards
    Byung-Hyun Kim
    Impress your friends at parties by putting on the Byung-Hyun Kim Face.
    This special edition premium-card set features the finest in Topps technology: Double-black diamond cards, gold labeling, and superior photography. Collect all your favorites from over the past two decades -- Hakan Loob, Bobby Gross, Bison Dele, Zaid Abdul-Aziz, Dick Trickle, Ziggie Palffy, etc. -- and look out for a special autographed card from former Tigers outfielder Rusty Kuntz that's randomly inserted in every 1,000 sets! At $29.99, it's a steal.

    The Sports Guy's Collection of "Classic Sports Face" Masks
    You've read the jokes over and over again because he keeps beating them into the ground ... now, here's your chance to finally get your hands on the Sports Guy's collection of "Classic Sports Face" masks. Collect one, collect them all!

    Select your favorites from the Troy Aikman "These Smelling Salts Just Aren't Working" Face, the Byung Hyun-Kim "We're Heading into the Late Innings of Game Seven of the World Series and I hope I Don't Have to Warm Up" Face, the Jon Gruden "I Can't Believe That Holding Penalty Knocked Us Out of Field Goal Range" Face, the Derek Lowe "Two Guys Are On and Nobody's Out" Face, the Nick Anderson "I Just Blew Game 1 of the '95 Finals" Face, the Jana Novotna "I Just Blew Wimbledon" Face, the Calvin Schiraldi Face, the Marty Morninweg Face, the Jeff George Face and more!

    Purchase all 10 for a mere $199.99, and we'll even include the Peyton Manning "I Can't Believe My Career is Self-Destructing on Monday Night Football" Face and the Bill Cowher "Get That Linesman Over Here So I Can Scream At Him And Unintentionally Spit All Over Him" Face, free of charge! Act now!

    Bill Simmons writes three columns a week for Page 2.