ESPN.com - The best column on 2001 lists

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Thursday, December 27, 2001
The best column on 2001 lists

By Bob Halloran
Special to Page 2

These are the best of times. These are the worst of times. These are the times when we get inundated with a whole bunch of meaningless best- and worst-of-the-year lists.


	Scott Brosius was thrilled to be atop Tim McCarver's list.

It is another reminder that being good is never good enough. We are obsessed with being the best. We have to rank everything. Top 25. Top 10. No. 1.

Who's the best player, the greatest team, what's the most outstanding individual performance, the best comeback, the worst moment, the strongest man, the weakest link? What product will give me the whitest teeth and the freshest breath, because having fairly white teeth and pretty-close-to-fresh breath just doesn't cut it in our world. Everything's gotta be the best. That's why Snapple informs us that it's made "from the best stuff on Earth" -- which apparently includes high fructose, corn syrup and citric acid. Mmmm. My favorites.

I first started thinking about this during the World Series this year, when Tim McCarver exclaimed that Scott Brosius was the best he'd ever seen at fielding a slow roller down the third best line. I couldn't believe that our never-ending quest to heap praise and overhype people, places and things had sunk to that level.

I mean, c'mon! We're no longer capable of simply ranking the best third basemen. Now, we're going to rank specific aspects of a player's responsibilities? Who's the all-time best at tagging up? Who's the best you've ever seen at flipping down their sunglasses? What outfielder did the best crow hop? And who's 19th on that list? Fortunately, if I don't have an opinion of my own, one will be provided for me by any number of media outlets -- including this one.

ESPN may actually be the world-wide leader in best and worst. We've got top plays, plays of the week, plays of the year, teams of the decade and athletes of the century. And if you feel you must go even further back, over on the Discovery Channel, I'm sure you can learn all about the top ginkgophytes of the Mesozoic Age.

On ESPN, we'll tell you which NBA teams have the best record on Christmas Day, not because it provides any pertinent preview information, but because it's an interesting list. We love lists. You love lists. You probably even have a list of your favorite lists. Log on to ESPN.com and vote on the superlative of your choice. There's a "best," "most," "worst," "weirdest," "funniest," "biggest" something out there just waiting to be ranked and filed in a list of some kind.

Keep in mind, it's all just opinion. Michael Jordan is not the best basketball player of all-time simply because he's on top of some list. The 2000 Ravens and the 1985 Bears are not the top two NFL defenses of all-time simply because somebody on TV says so. There are absolutely no absolutes in this world -- except for one: The best TV series with multiple transitions for a main character is "NYPD Blue," which has gone from Caruso to Smits to Schroeder and now that new guy from "Saved By The Bell."

Having said all this, here's my first, and therefore my best, Top 10 list ever of random best and worst things.

		ESPN may actually be the world-wide leader in best and worst. We've got top plays, plays of the week, plays of the year, teams of the decade and athletes of the century. And if you feel you must go even further back, over on the Discovery Channel, I'm sure you can learn all about the top ginkgophytes of the Mesozoic Age.

10. The World's Hardest Job -- producer for "Entertainment Tonight"
How does anyone decide whether to lead with Julia Roberts' new love interest, or Winona Ryder's shoplifting charge? How much of the exclusive interview with Aaron Carter should be included in the show's opening? Where does Leonard Maltin's review of "Jimmy Neutron" fit in without negatively affecting the pace of the show? Such decisions are better left to the professionals.

9. Most annoying part of Christmas for non-Christians -- radio stations on Christmas Day
I'm just guessing here, because I haven't bothered to ask anyone, but as I switched among my two or three favorite radio stations and they played nonstop Christmas music, I couldn't help but think how much that must really stink for non-Christians. I've gotta figure that Jewish people, for example, would rather dust off an 8-track of Rick Springfield than belt out "Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day" over and over again.

8. Most annoying part of Christmas for Christians -- radio stations on Christmas Day
There you are, listening to Nat King Cole sing his classic version of Mel Tormé's "The Christmas Song," followed by a sweet rendition of "Silent Night," when that stupid "Dominic The Donkey" comes on for the umpteenth time. It's the worst thing to happen to Christmas since grandma got run over by a reindeer.

7. Biggest lie -- that Sept. 11 changed our lives forever
Unfortunately, it changed our lives for about a week. We were inspired to reassess our priorities and reminded that sports don't matter. Less than four months later, we've got fans outraged by the BCS, fans throwing things on the field, a father suing a high school because his kid got cut from the basketball team, and players turning down three-year, $25 million contracts. And finding Osama Bin Laden has become a national game of "Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego." Security's tighter, but for most Americans not directly affected by the attacks of 9/11, not much else has changed. I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but I think maybe it is.

6. Dumbest word: maturation
It's a word made up by people who want to sound like pompous asses. And yes, some people make a conscious choice to be that way. However, when I looked up "maturation" in the dictionary to see if it truly is a word, I found not only that it is, but that it has an adjective form "maturational". That almost brought upon a dry heave.

5. Dumbest thing in sports history -- the barefoot kicker
How stupid was that? Did they really think they kicked the ball farther or straighter without a shoe? Did the shoe laces throw them off? Was the sneaker too heavy? They looked like fools going out there in the snow. I kept waiting to see the word "frostbite" on an injury report.


	Tiger Woods is the world's best golfer, but he's no Frank Lickliter.

4. Most over-reported athlete -- Tiger Woods
He's amazing and charismatic, but if another player shoots a 63 on Thursday to take a three-stroke lead, and Tiger shoots a 71, why is Tiger the lead? If Frank Lickliter moves into the lead on Friday, wouldn't you rather have a sportscaster tell you how he did it, even if it's only because hearing Frank Lickliter's name makes you giggle just a little bit.

3. Most fraudulent sports analysis -- any TV, radio or print reporter who tries to comment on the individual play of an offensive lineman
These guys are barely smart enough to notice that an offensive line played well as a group if the quarterback wasn't sacked and the running back rushed for 150 yards. There's no way any of those yahoos knows if a left guard had an especially good game. Remember this when your local sportscaster tries to tell you if a tackle chosen in the sixth round out of Fresno State was a good pick or not. Only Mel Kiper Jr. knows for sure.

2. Prettiest woman in the world -- my girlfriend

1. Most blatant attempt to suck up: See No. 2, above

Alternate No. 1: The worst Top 10 list -- this one ... because I could only come up with eight things.

Happy New Year! I hope it's the best year with the most happiness and greatest accomplishments ever. At least, I hope it makes it into your Top 10.

Bob Halloran is an anchorman for ESPNEWS.