ESPN.com - Jurassic Carl meets Off-His-Rocker

ESPN.com: Page 2

Tuesday, February 19, 2002
Updated: February 20, 12:06 PM ET
Jurassic Carl meets Off-His-Rocker

By Bob Halloran
Special to Page 2

A modern day "Odd Couple"? Can two disturbed men share a locker room without driving each other crazy?


	John Rocker is already in the Rangers' camp, and Carl Everett will be joining him Tuesday.

The highly controversial John Rocker, whose views have been well-documented, is now a teammate of the highly volatile Carl Everett, who believes in several conspiracy theories.

What will the first meeting between Rocker and Everett be like? We can only imagine ...

Rocker: Hi, I'm John Rocker.

Everett:

Rocker: Mind if I sit down?

Everett:

Rocker: You're not gonna take a swing at me or anything, are you?

Everett: Man, why are you talking to me? According to you, I must be nothin' but a fat monkey. Isn't that what you called one of your old teammates?

Rocker: Yeah, but you're not fat.

Everett: Thanks. I try to take care of myself.

Rocker: Have you seen the way the media is making such a big deal out of us being teammates? I mean, can you believe all this stuff they're saying?

Everett: Sure, I can believe it. Just the way I believe there weren't ever no dinosaurs, and man never walked on the moon.

Rocker: You really are Jurassic Carl, living in your own "Lost World."

Everett: You believe the fairy-tale stories they want you to believe. I'll go on believing what I know is true. Like the fact the Lee Harvey Oswald had a twin, and that Canada is ready to take us over and force us to use the metric system. I believe the Colonel did put something in his chicken to make us crave it. I believe Bill Gates is Satan, that Elvis killed Kennedy, and that kid in the Harry Potter movie is the next great American actor.


	"Don't go wasting my time with any tales of dinosaurs or moon landings or anything else that never happened."

Rocker: I think he's English.

Everett: Don't stop me when I'm on a roll. I believe O.J. is still looking for the killer and that he must have gotten information that the killer plays a lot of golf and goes to rap concerts. I believe for every drop of rain a flower grows, that somewhere in the darkest night a candle glows, and that children are our future. I believe in love. And I believe in the small of a woman's back, the hangin' curve ball, high fiber, good Scotch, and I believe in long, slow, deep, wet kisses that last three days.

Rocker: I believe you just quoted "Bull Durham."

Everett: I believe in the truth -- wherever you find it. I believe it's a conspiracy of the highest order to sell hot dogs in packages of eight, but hot dog buns come in packs of 10. You know you gotta buy 40 of each before it works out even.

Rocker: I find it works rather nicely if you use the extra two hot dog rolls for something else -- like a nice chicken salad with grapes and a dash of celery salt.

Everett: Mmmm, sounds delish. But let me tell you what I don't believe. I don't believe that greatest hit CDs should include new songs. That's just a lie -- weren't no greatest hit if nobody ever heard it. And I'm all about the truth. I am the great defender of the truth, and I'm not afraid to speak the truth.

Rocker: I spoke the truth once, and it got me into a heap of trouble.

Everett: Like when you said those things about New York and queers with AIDS?

Rocker: Yeah. And some writer said I was a xenophobic, homophobic, sexist, racist Neanderthal. I hate it when they call me things that I have to look up. I much prefer "jerk," or "complete jerk," or maybe "stupid jerk." That's good enough for me.


	"The dudes came from up there ... and the government put them in Area 52."

Everett: Maybe after I get to know you better, I could call you a stupid jerk.

Rocker: I'd like that.

Everett: But I remember when you said all that stuff, and you had to apologize for it and everything. Who wrote your apology?

Rocker: My agent and a couple of speech writers for Marion Barry.

Everett: They were good. Did you mean any of it?

Rocker: No. I just figure apologies are like strippers. Everybody needs a couple of good ones now and then. But they don't mean nothin'.

Everett: But when you said that stuff, you said you didn't know how all those Asians and Indians and Spanish people got into this country.

Rocker: Yeah, that's right. That's what I said.

Everett: Did you mean it? Do you really not know how they got here? I mean it's so obvious, but the media won't ever tell you, because they're in on it, too. All those people came from Area 52. They're mass produced there and then sent out as spies for Big Brother.

		"I believe O.J. is still looking for the killer and that he must have gotten information that the killer plays a lot of golf and goes to rap concerts. I believe for every drop of rain a flower grows, that somewhere in the darkest night a candle glows, and that children are our future. I believe in love. And I believe in the small of a woman's back, the hangin' curve ball, high fiber, good Scotch, and I believe in long, slow, deep, wet kisses that last three days."

Rocker: You mean Area 51, don't you?

Everett: No! There is no Area 51! That's just a cover-up for Area 52, which is the next area over. The government leaks out all this stuff about 51, so people get curious, but they never ask questions about 52, which is where all the stuff goes down. Man, I know these things, and I'm speaking the truth.

Rocker: So, what's the truth about that time you head-butted the umpire? What got you so mad?

Everett: I ain't talkin' about it.

Rocker: Why not? Did the ump say something to you?

Everett: I told you I ain't talkin' about it.

Rocker: It's the lip thing I heard about it, isn't it?

Everett: Shut up, man! I mean it. Don't make me relive that! That ain't funny! I hate thinking about that. Yes, my lips touched his lips! Are you happy? I said it. Geez, there hasn't been a day since then that I haven't spit just trying to get those man-lips off mine!

Alex Rodriguez enters, and says: Nice to see you guys getting along. But didn't anybody tell you that's a one-person whirlpool.

Rocker and Everett stare at each other for a long moment, before Everett says: "You complete me."

Rocker: Will you do my back?

Bob Halloran is an anchorman for ESPNEWS.