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Thursday, March 7, 2002
All-Bizarre Injury Team

By Ray Holloman
Special to Page 2

It's not that baseball has ever had a shortage of ways to embarrass yourself -- dropping an easy flyball, being the one guy Heathcliff Slocumb actually struck out, realizing you're Bud Selig -- but you've got to give it up to the hardworking men of the MLB who regularly take embarrassment to new heights.

Ryan Klesko
Ryan Klesko's known for his power, but he needs some help carrying his food.
On the field, they might appear graceful and effortless, but off the field they've got common sense like Hideki Irabu's got sex appeal. 2000 NLCS MVP Jeff Kent became the latest player to join baseball's Monty Burns all-fragility team over the weekend when he had a slight run in with gravity while washing his car. But when it comes to the all-time injuries team, Jeff Kent can't even stumble over his glove onto the field with Page 2's group of injury All Stars, that ever special breed of baseball chuckleberries with a list of injuries so bizarre even Richard Gere has to laugh (um... allegedly).

Baseball players: Sometimes they're heroes. Sometimes they just suck at life.

And Jeff, cheer up, we're pretty sure somebody on our roster will get hurt.

Manager: Roger Craig (Giants)
Cut his hand on a bra strap ... though we're guessing that's pain he played through.

Catcher: Mickey Tettleton (Tigers)
Once missed action with athlete's foot ... caused by tying his shoes too tight.

First Base: Ryan Klesko (Braves)
Once overexerted himself and pulled a muscle ... while picking up his lunch tray.

Second Base: Bret Barberie (Marlins)
Missed a game after rubbing chili juice in his eye ... probably after getting stuck behind John Kruk in morning stretches.

Glenallen Hill
Glenallen Hill's arachnophobia is legendary.
Shortstop: Rey Quinones (Seattle)
Once was unavailable for pinch hitting duty, because he had already returned to the clubhouse ... to play Nintendo.

Third Base: Wade Boggs (Red Sox)
Injured himself while pulling on his cowboy boots.

Outfield: Kevin Mitchell (Mets/Giants)
The master of all bizarre injuries, he once injured himself while eating a cupcake. That, of course, was when he wasn't missing games because of vomiting -induced muscle strains, or strained eyelids.

Outfield: Ken Griffey, Jr. (Mariners)
Missed a game after suffering a pinched testicle from his protective cup ... which explains why the whole "pain in the butt" thing just isn't phasing Jr.

Outfield: Oddibe McDowell (Rangers)
Yet another sad story of a baseball toughman getting taken out by food, he sliced his hand at the Texas welcome home luncheon while attempting to butter his roll.

Designated Hitter: Glenallen Hill (Blue Jays)
Went on the DL because of cuts suffered after smashing a glass table while dreaming he was being attacked by spiders ... anyway, that's his story, and he's sticking to it.

Bench: Terry Harper (Braves)
Separated his shoulder while waving a teammate home and subsequently high-fiving him.

Jason Isringhausen
Just stay far away from Jason Isringhausen.
Bench: Rickey Henderson (Blue Jays)
Missed a game because of frostbite ... in August.

Bench: Mark Smith (Orioles)
Injured his hand after sticking it in an air conditioner to "find out why it wasn't working."

Bench: Jose Cardenal (Cubs)
Missed a game in 1974 because he couldn't blink.

Bench: George Brett (Royals)
Broke his toe on a chair at his home while running from the kitchen to the TV to watch Bill Buckner hit.

Bench: Vince Coleman (Cardinals)
Missed the 1985 World Series after getting rolled up in the tarp machine.

Starting pitcher: John Smoltz (Braves)
Once burned his chest while ironing a shirt ... which he was still wearing.

Starting pitcher: Tom Glavine (Braves)
Redefining the phrase "star hurler," he broke a rib in 1992 after vomiting up airplane food.

Starting pitcher: Nolan Ryan (Astros)
Missed a start after being bitten on his hand ... by a coyote.

Starting pitcher: Carlos Perez (Expos)
Broke his nose in a car accident ... while trying to pass the team bus.

Starting pitcher: Doc Gooden (Mets)
Missed a start when Vince Coleman accidentally struck him with a golf club in the clubhouse.

Middle reliever: Steve Sparks (Brewers)
Dislocated his shoulder attempting to tear a phone book in half.

Middle reliever: Charlie Hough (Rangers)
Once broke his pinky ... shaking hands -- pinky shaking, that is.

Middle reliever: Ricky Bones (Marlins)
Went on the disabled list in 2000 after injuring himself while changing channels on the clubhouse TV.

Middle reliever: Greg Harris (Rangers)
Injured his wrist while flicking sunflower seeds in the dugout

Closer: Jason Isringhausen (Athletics)
Broke his hand while punching a trash can just weeks after stabbing himself in the leg trying to open a package.

Ray Holloman, a frequent contributor to Page 2, was injured in a potato mishap while filing this story.