ESPN.com - Wusses 'R' Us

ESPN.com: Page 2

Wednesday, April 3, 2002
Updated: April 4, 12:24 PM ET
Wusses 'R' Us

By Bob Halloran
Special to Page 2

Everyone alive today is a wuss.

Perhaps, I paint with too broad a brush.


	Fans who relax in the swimming pool at Bank One Ballpark might redefine the word "wuss."

How about: Everyone under the age of 45 is a wuss.

And I can narrow that a bit further, as follows: Everyone under the age of 45 who's not a coal miner, or a farmer, or a veteran, or a cop, or a fireman, or who isn't poor, or a single parent, or disabled, or who doesn't live in Buffalo, or Chicago, or some other really cold place is a wuss. And the people who have ingrown toenails, or bad allergies ... but don't make too big a deal out of it ... they aren't wusses either. Nor is anyone who's ever climbed a mountain, or eaten a bug on a dare.

Other than that, just about everybody else is a wuss.

I started to develop this "wuss not-wuss" theory during a conversation with Brian Tully, one of our hard-working, talented producers here at ESPN, who I hope will now permit me to write my on-camera lead-ins as long as I damn well please. Otherwise, what am I mentioning him by name and sucking up to him for?

I remarked to Brian that I've enjoyed watching CMGI Field being built in Foxboro, Mass. I drive by the stadium site just about every week, and it has been truly amazing to watch the construction progress. Sometimes it's like when you haven't seen someone's child in a couple of months, and they seem to be about a foot taller. If I were the type of person who talks to inanimate objects (and I no longer am), I would say to CMGI Field: "My, how you've grown!"

Seeing it from a short distance and at about 45 mph, the stadium looks enormous. It completely dwarfed the adjacent Foxboro Stadium, even before they started knocking the old shoebox down. But the most defining characteristic of the new stadium is that it looks clean. Right away, that makes it unique to the Boston area, which isn't exactly blessed with impressive new construction.

I wouldn't be surprised if CMGI Field opens up this fall with a new-car smell. I'll bet every seat in the place will have a scented Christmas tree air freshener. Maybe scented foam No. 1 fingers.

Yes, CMGI Field is already large, and beautiful and clean --- like a well-bathed supermodel. And everything else around it is comparatively tiny and old, as if the well-bathed supermodel were calling out numbers during Bingo Night at the VFW Hall.

When it was finally Brian's turn to talk, he quite unsuspectingly stated to me that he likes a lot of the new stadiums that are being built, in part because of the improved "sight lines." That's when my "wuss meter" began to click wildly. The conversation deteriorated until we were using words and phrases like Jumbotron, and sushi bars, and swimming pools in the outfield.

By then, the "wuss meter" was red-lining! We were a comment about "state-of-the-art lavatories" away from having the "wuss meter" explode all over us right on the spot.


	New stadiums, like Detroit's Comerica Park, are built specifically to give the fans good "sight lines."

I'm not saying Brian's a wuss. I'm merely implying it. Not that Brian's any different from you and me. I'm not a farmer or a coal miner either, though I do have pretty bad allergies that I almost never complain about. But I do complain about the extra effort it takes to recycle. I get frustrated when I squeeze a new ketchup bottle and nothing comes out. And then I realize I have to twist the cap off, poke the safety seal with a fork and peel it off, and then twist the cap back on. What a bother! Those are the times I'm convinced there are people out there who, under the guise of protecting us, really just want to make our lives more difficult.

But if you think living in today's world is difficult, go back 50 or 100 years. Is there anyone among us who thinks they could have survived the 1800s? How did those people survive those covered wagon treks across unexplored territories? No electricity. No running water. No Motel 6. No cable. The frontiersmen only had the bare necessities, while we demand an abundance of luxuries. Luxury boxes, in fact.

And, if I'm not mistaken, a luxury box is basically a place where a group of people gathers in a sanitary environment to eat, and drink and watch replays on tiny televisions eight feet off the ground. Other than avoiding the pregame and postgame traffic jam, the sanitary environment part, and the tiny TVs, how is that any different than going over to your Uncle Fred's house?

Think about the things you -- and I -- complain about during any given day, and compare that to the lives of people who had the misfortune of being born before the advent of the DVD, the Internet, the indoor toilet. We're a society that exfoliates. We need room service. We use microwaves, remotes, "hands free" telephones. We have 112 different coffee flavors.

Cripes, I know people who won't go to the movies unless the theater has stadium seating. How did people survive the days of leaning slightly in order to see past the tall guy with the Lincoln hat in front of them? The horror of seeing a horror movie without surround sound! And what about people who go to the gym to exercise, yet still drive around the parking lot looking for the space closest to the entrance. Hello! You're about to spend 30 minutes on a treadmill. Park the damn car! We're a bunch of babies in constant need of pampering.

And it's self-evident in the discussions about new ballparks. These new structures have the creature comforts of wide-body seating, good "sight lines," nearby concession stands and cleaner bathrooms. All of that is extremely important. It's our right! Sure, there are people starving all over the world. But when we walk past the homeless person toward our $50 seats, we demand the right to "Sit, See, Eat and Pee." It's the chant of the elitist, self-entitled sports fan.


	Part of Fenway's charm is the close quarters shared by Red Sox Nation.

The Fenway Park issue is a fun one to watch in New England. Forget that a new ballpark would create more revenue for the team. That's their business, not mine. I'm not a traditionalist. I don't have any bizarre "historical society" agenda to protect brick and mortar. I couldn't care less if they save Fenway, or if they tear it down. The place has been old, and small, and uncomfortable -- and perfect -- for as long as I've been going there.

And unless my three sons are wusses, they can sit in the same seats their father and their father's father, and their father's father's father sat in before them. And they can watch as the scores on the left-field wall are changed manually.

Or they can bring a lap-top computer and simultaneously watch a DVD with a director's commentary, while sipping a cinnamon hazelnut coffee mocha grande. My three sons could end up watching their hometown team in a fancy new ballpark where every patron gets a free massage. Who cares? Who cares if the park or the stadium is comfortable, convenient, and modern? All I want to know is what time's the game?

With so many people less fortunate than I am, I vow to do my best not to complain about being cold, or cramped, or inconvenienced while watching a game. As a fan, I want the best possible product on the field, not in the stands.

These new ballparks popping up like word balloons on an MTV video are not necessary! They're nice. And we can appreciate progress. But they're luxuries to both the owners who spend too much money on their "toys," and to the fans who, by and large, are wusses.

So, when it comes to the new stadiums: If you build them, they will come. And if you don't build them, I'll come anyway. I'd hate to wuss out on a chance to really rough it like our ancestors who battled pestilence, World Wars, the Great Depression, and bad "sight lines."

Bob Halloran is an anchorman for ESPNEWS.