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Friday, April 5, 2002
Stay away from brawny Tawny

By Jim Caple
Page 2 columnist

Until this week, "actress" Tawny Kitaen's most embarrassing moment was the the release of her first movie, "Bachelor Party." Her co-star, Tom Hanks, went from that awful 1984 film to become one of Hollywood's most revered actors, winning Oscars for his gripping performances as a lawyer dying of AIDS in "Philadelphia" and as the mentally challenged title character in "Forrest Gump."

Bachelor Party
Bachelor Party, the film Tawny Kitaen's best-known for and Tom Hanks would like to forget.
Kitaen went on to Whitesnake music videos.

And now she faces domestic abuse charges and a possible year in prison for attacking her husband, Cleveland pitcher Chuck Finley, kicking him repeatedly with her high heels. He, meanwhile, faces constant heckling for the rest of his career and the distinct possibility that despite nearly 200 wins and more than 2,000 strikeouts, he will be forever remembered as the 6-foot-6 pitcher who got beat up by the chick in the Whitesnake videos.

This scandal doesn't mean Kitaen's career is over. All publicity is good publicity in Hollywood. Undoubtedly, the producers of "Celebrity Boxing" are already trying to arrange a bout with Danny Bonaduce.

It didn't have to be this way, though, had Kitaen only been able to overcome "Bachelor Party" the way Hanks did. Why, the two could have been a modern day Tracy and Hepburn, starring in an unending series of commercial and critical hits.

"A League of Their Own"
Tawny Kitaen
Tawny Kitaen, accompanied by a Journey soundtrack, asks, "Who's Crying Now."
[Medium shot of TAWNY KITAEN walking away sniffling from TOM HANKS, who plays manager Jimmy Dugan, after he yells at her for missing the cutoff man.]

HANKS: Wait a minute. Are you crying? You're crying! There is no crying in baseball! Rogers Hornsby was my manager and he called me a walking pile of pig---- and that's when my parents came up from Michigan to see me play, but did I cry? No! No! And you know why? Because there's no crying in baseball!

[KITAEN turns around abruptly.]

KITAEN: I may have missed the cutoff man but I never missed our anniversary, you miserable piece of s---!

[She stomps on his feet with her spikes, drawing blood, then twists his ear until he howls in pain and drops whimpering to the field.]

KITAEN: Now who's crying?

"Saving Private Ryan"
Tawny Kitaen, David Coverdale
As Whitesnake's David Coverdale knows, Kitaen prefers men who can take a licking.
[Closeup of TOM HANKS, as Captain John Miller, kneeling on a beach. While men drop all around him, his hand shakes, his body trembles and he stares ahead with eyes filled with unimaginable fear. He is a combat weary veteran who is near a complete emotional breakdown. We hear what his shell-shocked ears hear: a dull, pounding frightening sound that alternates between a high-pitched whine and a deep-throated growl.

[HANKS looks down at his thighs and sees that he is bleeding. At first the sight puzzles him, then brings him back to full attention. The camera pulls back to reveal the danger he faces -- his wife, TAWNY KITAEN, shouting hysterically at him and kicking him repeatedly with the same stiletto heels she wore while dancing on the hood of the car in that Whitesnake video.]

KITAEN: And if ever catch you so much as looking at another woman, you'll wish you were still fighting the Germans, do you hear me?!?!

"Cast Away"
[Long shot of the waves washing along the beach of a remote, unidentified desert island. Camera zooms in to focus on TOM HANKS, who plays Chuck Noland, a FedEx exec who has just survived a plane crash and has washed ashore. His clothes torn and tattered, he stumbles up the beach with a volleyball under his arm and collapses beneath a coconut tree. He stares out at the ocean and begins calculating.]

HANKS (talking to volleyball): We were traveling due west at 620 air mph when they first gave the distress signal. We flew for another half hour before ditching into the ocean. That means the radius was approximately 300 miles in any direction, which means that the search area is 600 miles wide and 600 miles long, which means they'll be scouring an area the size of Texas.

[He pauses as this sinks in.]

HANKS: They'll never find me. I'll die here. I'll never see my wife again.

[He pulls out a pocket watch which contains a photo of his wife. The camera zooms in on the photo to reveal the face of TAWNY KITAEN. Closeup of HANKS as a smile spreads across his face.]

HANKS: I'll ... never ... see ... her ... again ... I'll never ... see her again ... I'll never see her again!

[Pumps fist repeatedly]

HANKS: Whoo-hoo!!! Now that's what I'm talking about, Wilson!!! What do you say we go find us some native girls?

"Forrest Gump"
Chuck Finley
Chuck Finley should take the advice of Forrest Gump's followers, "Run, Forrest, run."
[Medium shot of TOM HANKS, as Forrest Gump, wearing a white suit and sitting on a park bench.]

HANKS: It's like Momma always said, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

[Camera pulls back to reveal HANKS is sitting next to TAWNY KITAEN, as Jenny Curran. She stands up and kicks him in the groin with her stiletto heel.]

KITAEN: Well, I damn well know what I'm getting. I'm getting half your contract, $30,000 a month in child support and the house in Malibu. So you might as well agree to it now and save yourself the lawyer's fee.

Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.