ESPN.com - Answering baseball labor questions

ESPN.com: Page 2

Thursday, August 15, 2002
Answering baseball labor questions

By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2

Wondering what's really going on behind closed doors on the baseball labor negotiating front?


	Tom Glavine should avoid tunnels during Friday's conference call.

Page 2 was, too. And then we figured, why not just ask? So we asked a few probing questions of A Man Who Knows. (Don't ask us to name him ... gentlemen never tell.) And here's what he came back with:

Q: Why didn't the player's union set a strike date Monday?
A: Publicly, the players claimed there was enough progress in negotiations to postpone setting a date. Privately, they admitted to receiving a tearful, impassioned plea from a distraught Jon Voight.

Q: What will be said when the players meet via telephone on Friday?
A: "Glavine, can you hear me now? How 'bout now? Tom? Fehr? #@&$, I hate Sprint!"

Q: If they choose to strike, are any dates considered off-limits to the union?
A: Yes. The players are very concerned about the public relations aspect of being on strike Aug. 27, the 41st anniversary of former MTV vee-jay "Downtown" Julie Brown's birth.

Q: What signs gave the union the impetus to not set a date?
A: The ones inside Starbucks that read, "Now Hiring."

Q: What will ultimately separate the two sides?
A: The thin layer of air molecules that exist between any two beings. Also, a salary cap.


	That intertwining N and Y on his helmet will cost Jason Giambi and the Yankees under a new luxury tax.

Q: Since 1976, the average salary has increased from $51,500 to $2.38 million. Without a salary cap, how will the owners be able to keep paying their players?
A: No worries. Bud Selig has already commissioned a Blue Ribbon Task Force to explore the Smurfberry as a viable unit of currency.

Q: And if that doesn't work out?
A: Teams will cease playing games altogether and begin focusing exclusively on the marketing and promotion of bobblehead doll giveaways.

Q: In order to slow salary escalation, owners want to impose a luxury tax. If enacted, how would it work?
A: Once the Yankees, Mets, or any other team with an intertwining "NY" logo exceeds $98 million in payroll, they would be charged 50 percent of the amount over that limit as a tax.

Q: And that revenue would then be used for &
A: & locker widening in the San Francisco clubhouse to accommodate Barry Bonds' gazebo and (dormant) volcano, yep.

Q: Actually, I was going to ask about low-revenue teams. Have the owners or players discussed a system to help bridge the revenue gap?
A: First of all, the PC term is "financially challenged teams." And yes, the plan is to implement league-wide promotions called "Economic Disparity Nights," at which fans of large market clubs are charged double for admission, with a percentage of the proceeds going to small market clubs.

Q: Speaking of the fans, I've heard several players and owners refer to them as arthritic contortionists. Why is that?
A: Because when it comes to a MLB work stoppage, the fans are the ones who get bent over & eventually.


	Barry Bonds is a surprisingly key player in the labor negotiations.

Q: It's well-documented that the owners want a salary cap, increased revenue sharing and a luxury tax. What do the players want?
A: For starters, players who only get to third base a few times a year don't want to be labeled as "inexperienced." And stop asking Dominican players how old they are. It's just rude.

Q: This all sounds very ominous. Do the players and owners agree on anything?
A: Both parties agree that Big League Chew, especially grape-flavored, with its addictive tangy tartness, should not be sold to Little Leaguers or minor-leaguers. They fear it may serve as a "gateway gum," leading its users to experiment with harder, more taboo confections such as candy cigarettes, gum cigars and Fun Dip.

Q: One last question. Theoretically, if management and players were to get into a bench-clearing brawl, who would win?
A: Mankind.

Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material has been featured on Laugh.com, and he is the creator and writer of EarDuster.com, a now defunct online newspaper devoted to sports parodies and satire. He can be reached at eimmerman@hotmail.com