ESPN.com - They need a miracle

ESPN.com: ESPNMagazine

Tuesday, September 24, 2002
Updated: September 25, 6:55 PM ET
They need a miracle

By By David Fleming

When the Cincinnati Bengals were called for a penalty before the first snap of the 2002 season, that was funny. Last week, when Bengals running back Corey Dillon was sidelined by something coaches called "uniform constriction" (tight pants), that was a real hoot. And when owner Mike Brown, who is 53-126 with no playoff appearances since taking control of the team in 1991, recently admitted on the team's website that "it's gotten to the point where 'Bungles' alliterates with Bengals," well, that was a screamer as well.

But something changed for me Sunday night as I watched the team's 30-3 blowout at the hands of the previously winless Falcons.

It might have been when the team was called for five penalties in the first 15 plays. Or when QB Gus Frerotte went 0-for-7 with a pick and a sack to open the game. Maybe it was when WR Peter Warrick gator-armed a sure 30-yard pass, LB Takeo Spikes waltzed through two plays near the end zone, Nick Harris punted the ball 17 yards, or maybe even at halftime when I looked in the team's media guide and saw that the Bungles have opened 0-3 six times since '91. (By contrast, the lowly Lions have been to the playoffs six times and won their division twice during that same span.)

Whenever it was, at some point Sunday night something just snapped and the Bengals stopped being funny. Now they're just sad.

30 Second Column

Last year I visited with Falcons QB Michael Vick as he toured the campus of Virginia Tech one last time before he was taken No. 1 overall in the NFL draft. I ended the piece by saying I hoped Vick would change the NFL and not the other way around.

Well, I'm happy to report after spending the weekend in Atlanta that Vick is still soft spoken, funny and confident. Still working hard. Still getting better. Still trying to think pass first and run second. Still the most physically gifted QB the NFL has ever seen. Still drawing rave reviews with his Olympic stride and cannon arm. Bengals LB Takeo Spikes compared him to Barry Sanders. Sunday night was Michael Vick bobblehead doll night in the Georgia Dome. And I'm happy to report that Vick is still turning opponents and critics into bobbleheads, all of us nodding in utter amazement.

The Flemister File

Wherein we follow the exploits of Washington TE and FlemFile mascot Zeron Flemister. Do yourself a favor and go to The Washington Post's website and check out the stunning frame taken by Jonathan Newton that perfectly captures ZFlem's powerful but fluid final few steps into the end zone in San Fran. (Z's game stats: team-high three catches for 57 yards and a 19-yard TD. I take full credit.)

Check out ZFlem's eyes, his 1950's-like pose and poor-poor 49er safety Ronnie Heard lying prone on the 5-yard line looking like Beetle Bailey after trying to deliver a knockout blow to ZFlem. "He bounced off me," says ZFlem, "and I just walked into the end zone." The call was an All-Go route where each receiver rides a seam straight down the field and by looking right or left the QB tries to freeze the deep safety. ZFlem saw the safety on an island, knew he was wide open the moment he released and was screaming in his head LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME! "They left me wide open probably because after watching film from the Philly game they thought we never threw at our tight ends."

During his bye week, ZFlem is gonna enjoy his skyrocketing popularity (again, I take full credit), help his mom move into a new home in Milwaukee, spend extra time working on his blocking technique and yell at his old friends who revealed to me last week that in high school he drove a "big, beefy" 1977 Catalina that didn't go in reverse. Ever wonder what it would be like to get hit by a tank like that? Ask Ronnie Heard.

The Flem Five

Top Five Hardest-to-Pronounce NFL Names:

5. Muadianvita Kazadi, LB, Buffalo
(Mwah-jon-VEE-ta kuh-ZAH-dee)

4. Adewale Ogunleye, DE, Miami
(add-uh-WAL-lay oh-goon-LAY-eh)

3. Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala, RB, Pittsburgh
(Fu-ah-MAH-tu ma-ah-FAH-la)

2. Touraj Houshmandzadeh, WR, Cincinnati
(TOO-raj Push-mahn-ZAH-duh)

1. Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila, DE, Green Bay
(kah-BEER BAH-jah BEE-ah-MIL-lah)

WHYLO of the Week

Before we call this feud with Patriot fans a draw and move on, some of these emails are just too good (bad) not to publish.

Don writes: "It's obvious you are an angry smug little man. You can sit there behind your monitor (tough guy) and call people you deem to be a WHYLO all you want. You're a joke, Tulip Boy. That's an opinion, not a fact. Are you getting this?"

I emailed Don back because, honestly, Tulip Boy is a classic line, and I'm happy to say we worked out our problems and Don understands now that this WHYLO biz is all in good fun.

I'm hoping he can convince JMBD who titled his email: Dear Bitch. "Ur articles f---ing suck anyway & y don't u have ur buddies gammons and pasquarelli help u write a real article & what kind of name is flem anyway??? & are u trying to be funny, cause it's not working & ur material blows and so do u."

Finally, we get to Bryon who wrote a very thoughtful thesis on why the Pats don't get respect. However, No. 5 on his list was that in the 2002 JC Penny Christmas catalog you can order an NFL blanket from 20 teams & but not the defending world champions. Okay, lets do this reeeeeeeeal gentle-like. Psssst, Bryon, I'm soooo sorry, but Who Helped You Log On?

Flem Gems

Priest Holmes, who turned in the best performance of this young season last week against the Pats, takes his job so seriously he refers to the Chiefs locker room as his office and his locker as his desk. "There's no reason people shouldn't be talking about him in the same breath as Marshall Faulk," says TE Tony Gonzalez. "That will come. What he needs is wins and before you know it Priest will be doing Campbell Soup commercials." & Maybe Terrell Davis doesn't need a miracle after all. Last year Cowboys linebacker Kevin Hardy had the same microfracture surgery that Davis recently underwent to help his ailing knee and Hardy was so happy with how his knee responded he almost uncorked a bottle of Crystal. & Atlanta Thought No. 1: Best message on a brick in Centennial Olympic Park? Who is John Galt? & INSTANT UPDATE on Terrell Owens' march to 2,000 yards receiving: just 1,888 more yards to go. & Took me a while but I got it. The Seahawks new unis make them look like giant packs of Certs. & No team that trades TDs for FGs early in a close game doesn't live to regret giving up those crucial four points. Unless they're playing the Bengals. &Atlanta Thought No. 2: At breakfast I ordered hash browns instead of grits and the lady at the next table hissed 'Yankee' under her breath. Then I read the local paper while eating until I came across an article that instructed people which tumors in deer meat were unhealthy to eat. &

Am I the only one out there who dies of laughter every time I see those cruise ship commercials that feature people vacationing to Iggy Pop's, Lust for Life, which I thought was a song about heroin? & Atlanta Thought No. 3: Dan Reeves was lustily booed during the intros, but not by Jimmy Carter. & Apparently I'm not having nearly as much fun as other people who drink Coors. & Outside the Georgia Dome they have folks sitting on what look like lifeguard chairs that have ASK ME! Flags on them. So I hollered, How can the Panthers be 3-0? And the guy actually yelled back, SCHEDULE, MAN, IT'S ALL SCHEDULING. & The Jets have a lot of work to do, but may I suggest they start with some tackling drills. & Atlanta Thought No. 4: MY LITTLE MIAMI REDHAWKS 27, KENT 20. & After cramping up in earlier games, Bucs back Michael Pittman has decided he needs more sodium in his diet and has pledged to eat more Burger King. Now that is what you call dedication. I always knew I had what it takes to make it in the NFL.

"Guys talk about this with tears in their eyes," said Cincy offensive tackle Willie Anderson after the game, as the clock behind him struck exactly midnight. "They say they feel like less than men doing what we're doing."

As usual, though, I blame myself. All these years, I've been laughing at the Bengals instead of stopping to offer concrete ideas as to how the team can reform itself. And so, in honor of the 485th anniversary of the Reformation, when Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the door of the Church, I give you: THE BENGALS 9.5-POINT PLAN.

(By all means, feel free to print out a copy and make like Martin Luther by gently taping it to the team's front door at Paul Brown Stadium. Or e-mail it to webmaster@bengals.nfl.com -- sorry, guy, but yours was the only address we could find.)

There are a few basic principles behind this plan.

First, buffoonery of this magnitude calls for drastic measures. In other words, this might sting a little, in the same way that the dentist says it and means this is gonna hurt so bad you should put on an adult diaper.

Second, after 12 years of such unprecedented awfulness, losing infects a franchise and everything in it like a computer virus. And once losing is ingrained in a franchise it can't be out-worked, out-hustled, scrubbed, argued or drafted away. It must be cut out & with extreme prejudice.

And finally, I'd like to point out that I'm borrowing heavily from The George Costanza Theorem that says: if every instinct you've ever had has been wrong, then the direct opposite of that must be right.

In other words, the old 0-3 Bengals would change nothing and remain the laughingstock of all professional sports.

We'll do the exact opposite.

We'll change everything.

1) Owner Mike Brown and the members of his extended family who occupy five of the team's top six front office spots must resign.

I said this would sting a bit. The only way someone directly responsible for this product could keep their job is that they're related to the boss. Like the 49ers and Eagles have done, the Bengals must look outside of football for a fresh approach to running their team. How about an exec from down the street at Procter & Gamble, or the freakishly positive Pat Croce? Hey, if you hire him, at least it would stop him from writing another cheesy self-help book.

2) The new front office must then double the budget and staff of the team's skimpy scouting department and pledge to spend the entire salary cap every year.

Poor personnel decisions are the root of this team's problems. The draft is the lifeblood of any NFL franchise. And at this point -- after taking such stiffs as David Klingler, Ki-Jana Carter, Dan Wilkinson and John Copeland -- the Bengals are like Keith Richards. Hire Tom Modrak, who helped build winners in Pittsburgh and Philly, away from his current employer the Bills.

3) Fire Dick Lebeau and his entire staff.

I respect LeBeau, and after seeing him in Atlanta this is the nicest thing I can do for the man. He went to the bench after the Falcons went up 20-0 and tried to pump up his defensive line and not a single player would look him in the eye.

4) Hire a top-name coach or a hot assistant.

No cheap assistants, Shulas or retreads -- unless you can lure Bill Parcells out of retirement. This is strictly "A" list NFL assistants or top college coaches. One man can indeed change an entire franchise's self-image. Look at what Jim Haslett has done with the Saints. Throw so much coin (why not give a coach a signing bonus?) at someone like Bob Stoops or Tyrone Willingham that they can't say no. Or try Saints offensive coordinator and QB guru Mike McCarthy, Rams defensive coordinator Lovie Smith or Denver's Gary Kubiak.

5) Start Akili Smith.

Wait. You've already done this? Okay, fine, no one said you had to go in order.

6) If Smith doesn't work out, trade for, sign or draft a franchise QB.

The Mag's editors have already titled the 2003 season under Florida QB Rex Grossman: Rex-clamation Project.

7) Start cutting bad attitude guys.

Dillon once said he'd rather flip burgers than play for the Bungles. You walk into the locker room and can still feel the poisonous presence of former WR Carl Pickens. No less than three of the team's players have told me they often lie about what they do for a living rather than admit they play for the Bengals. After watching the O-line gas out in the first quarter, I'd institute a 'voluntary' off-season conditioning program and ax anyone who doesn't have 100% attendance.

8) Start re-signing guys you like and begin targeting players who will be unrestricted free agents this spring.

Here's the most bizarre thing about this whole deal: the Bengals actually have a talented roster. They just need a few key players, a cornerstone lineman, a defensive back or two, a huge space-eating D-tackle and a possession receiver. Jerry Jones has signed more players in a weekend.

9) Cut ticket prices.

A few semi-pro teams I know charge $10. Ask for $9 and be grateful people will pay that.

9.5) Change the image.

The turd-colored unis and the hunting-orange helmets are just like everything else with this franchise -- really cool and cutting edge 20 YEARS AGO! Do a complete redesign. It worked for the Rams, the Broncos, the Titans and the Patriots. In honor of fav sons Pete Rose and Larry Flynt, how about the Cincy Hustlers? I like black and purple like Elder High School, the pride of Cincinnati.

Phew.

Okay, that's it.

Easy, right? No problem.

Yeah, but will it work?

"We all want to think that we can turn this around," says Anderson. "We can do it. It's gonna be the biggest miracle you've ever seen."

Actually, it will be the biggest 9.5 miracles we've ever seen.

David Fleming is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at FlemFile@carolina.rr.com. But watch out -- you could be the WHYLO of the Week.