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Thursday, October 17, 2002
Updated: May 11, 10:13 AM ET
So you want to manage the Mets

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By Brian and Andy Kamenetzky
Special to Page 2

Not anybody can manage the Mets. You have to be able to deal with all kinds of weird goings-on (pictures of pitchers using bongs, guys passing out from smoking too much dope, a GM who hates you and spends a lot of time in the clubhouse high-fiving "your" guys, an owner who changes his mind on a dime, fat underachievers, public forums on the sexual proclivities of your star slugger), constant mindless criticism (the New York Post, all-sports-all-the-time talk radio) and, of course, all the competitive pressure that goes with big-time sports in The Big Apple.

To separate the wannabes from the real big guys, Page 2 has developed this Mets Manager Application. Take a few minutes to fill it out, and see if you have what it takes to subject yourself to nightly criticism from Doris of Rego Park.

Employment Application for the New York Metropolitan Baseball Club Name: _________________________________ Current address: _________________________ New address, beginning October 2003: _______________ Previous job experience (days served): _______________________ Reason for being asked to leave: ________________________________ _______________________________________________________ Did the job live up to expectations? (If so, please discontinue filling out the remainder of application): _______________________ Most recent salary (discounting concession stand slush funds): _________________________________ Education (If any beyond sixth grade, you should be smart enough to avoid this job): _______________________ Do the words "Transparent Scapegoat" bother you? (If no, please continue filling out application): _______________________ References (Darryl Strawberry phone calls no longer accepted): ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ Psychiatrist (name and office phone): _______________________ How many children would you have before you named one Mookie? __________ Would you describe your collection of disguises as ample, merely adequate, or nonexistent? __________________ Please indicate your "good" side and "bad" side for purposes of photography (note: The Post will be notified of your bad side, The Times notified of your good): ______________________________ Are you currently, or have you ever been a red-headed stepchild? ________________________ When you read about Sherman burning Atlanta to the ground, are your tears motivated primarily by joy, or sadness? ______________________ Do you suffer from bouts of extreme nausea, headaches, rashes, or jealousy upon hearing the words "Damn Yankees"? ______________________________________ Would you rather be considered a crazed masochist or a naïve moron? _____________________________________________ Essay Questions (write 1,000 words on one of the following) When shopping, do older, overpriced models upset or entice you? What is the most effective way to stage a player-manager marijuana intervention WITHOUT hurting the player's feelings, disciplining him, or expressly forbidding a player from continual usage? Which would bother you more and why: your starting catcher holding hands with a man, or doing a commercial with Alf?

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