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Friday, October 18, 2002
Updated: May 31, 2:15 PM ET
Readers' Yearbook Quotables

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By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist

Before we get to the best of the reader submissions, last Friday's "Yearbook Quotes" column included a collosal screw-up -- the name of the kid whose question inspired the column was Christopher Busk, not Christopher Burk. Sorry about that, Chris.

Also, because I'm dumb enough to keep using AOL, my mailbox only holds 1000 emails at a time, which explains why so many of you had e-mails bounced back to you last weekend. I went through about 500 of them last weekend, before the mailbox filled up again, so that means we sifted through about 1500-1600 quote suggestions for Part Two. Because there were so many quotes and because many of you suggested the same ones, we're just running the quotes without mentioning who suggested what - would have been too complicated. Thanks to everyone who took the time to e-mail something in.

On to Part Two...

"They can talk about me like they want to, but, um, I got my money ... so matter what you all say, Mike black, but Mike rich!"
--Michael Irvin

"When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, it's a wonder I can think at all."
--Paul Simon

	George Costanza has spewed coutless verbal gems worthy of the immortal yearbook tribute.

"I don't want to be remembered, I want to be forgotten."
--George Costanza

"Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."
--George Costanza

"What you like about this kid coming straight out of high school is the upside. Tremendous upside."
--Hubie Brown

Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man! My head's about to explode! My whole life sucks!! I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAM BRIDGE ABUTTMENT!!!
--Chris Farley as Tommy Boy

"Get busy living, or get busy dying."
--Andy Dufrene

"Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?"
--George Costanza

"My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really."
--Dr. Evil

"All I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody's ever gone the distance with Creed, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood."
--Rocky Balboa

"It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile / When his shorts aren't too tight in the seat."
--Elihue Smails

"I've been trying to walk the straight and narrow, but even my straight's a little crooked."
--Dylan McKay

"They hate me because they ain't me!"
-Busta Rhymes

"The older you get the more rules they are going to try and get you to follow. You just gotta keep on livin man! L-I-V-I-N!"
--David Wooderson

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man... I get older, they stay the same age."
--David Wooderson

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."
--Lloyd Dobler

	Some yearbook quotes are so shameful, we'd even replace them with the words of Shane Falco.

"I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum... and I'm all out of bubble gum."
--Rowdy Roddy Piper in "They Live"

"Let's go, man. This place is dead anyway."
--Charles in "Swingers"

"Wooooooooooooooooooo!"
--Ric Flair

"Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever."
--Shane Falco

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
--Jack Handey

"I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... scared"
--Jessie Spano

"When I'm dead, and my activities on Earth have passed, I hope they bury me upside down so my critics can kiss my ass."
--Bobby Knight

"It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing milk bone underwear."
--Norm Peterson

"The accusation that Pedro Guerrero could finance and underwrite a drug deal is ludicrous! He doesn't have the acumen or the ability to finance anything more complicated than lunch."
--Pedro's attorney

"Education: the ability to describe a beautiful woman without using your hands."
--Anonymous

"I'm the kind of guy who watches the closing credits of 'The Natural' to see if Glenn Close's son is listed as 'Bastard."
--Bill Simmons

	When seeking yearbook quote "redemption" ... consult Andy Dufrene.

"Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. "
--Andy Dufrense

"I'll make it"
--Jimmy Chitwood

"Listen: People are always saying, 'Rickey says Rickey.' But it's been blown way out of proportion. People might catch me, when they know I'm ticked off, saying, 'Rickey, what the heck are you doing, Rickey?' They say, 'Darn, Rickey, what are you saying Rickey for? Why don't you just say, 'I?' But I never did. I always said, 'Rickey,' and it become something for people to joke about."
--Rickey Henderson

"I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says. I'm not dumb... I'm smart and I want my respect!"
--Fredo Corleone

"I feel bad for those people who don't drink, because when you wake up in the morning that's as good as you're going to feel all day long"
--Frank Sinatra

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it."
--Ferris Bueller

"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian"
--Mike Tyson

"Larry Bird was so good that night, even the Hawks were giving each other high fives."
--Quinn Buckner

"I'm gonna find me two waitresses here and I'm gonna pull me a Fredo."
--Double Down Trent

"Everybody has a plan until they get hit."
--Mike Tyson

"May the bridges I burn light the way"
--Dylan McKay

"The sun will rise, the sun will set and tomorrow I'll eat lunch"
--Former Red Sox GM Lou Gorman

"Well, all I'm saying is that I want to look back and say that I did it the best I could while I was stuck in this place. Had as much fun as I could while I was stuck in this place. Played as hard as I could while I was stuck in this place. Dogged as many girls as I could while I was stuck in this place.
--Don Dawson

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams.

"Things ain't like they say they be, but they do!"
--Oscar Gamble

"Maybe the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"You're all playin' for second place."
--Larry Bird

"Half the hoes hate, half them love me. The ones that hate me only hate me cuz they ain't [expletive] me."
--Ja Rule

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
--Dan Quayle

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush

"Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue."
--Lloyd Bridges (Airplane)

"The words you say never live up to the words in your head."
--Chris Cornell

	The words of Marilyn Monroe will never go out of style.

"Did you ever notice that 'what the hell' is always the right decision?"
--Marilyn Monroe

"It's like this and like that and like this 'n uh, it's like that and like this and like that 'n uh,
it's like thisssss ... and who gives a (bleep) about those, so just chill to the next episode."
--Dr. Dre and Snoop

"It's a town full of losers, and I'm pulling out of here to win."
--Bruce Springsteen

"Using the whole fist, Doc?"
--Irwin Fletcher

"You define the moment or the moment defines you."
--Roy McAvoy

"Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates!"
--West Beverly High, Class of 1993

"I can get a good look at a steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it."
--Big Tom Callahan

"It's not that I'm lazy. It's that I just don't care."
--Peter Gibbons

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in time of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality."
--Dante

"I'm sure there's more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is."
--Derek Zoolander

"My God! My God! My God!"
--Jim Ross

"I wasn't born with enough middle fingers."
--Marilyn Manson

"It's sad, but I think it's great to be free. Granted, I could go out and lose everything (by) gambling and drinking, but there's no sense in denying it. It's in my blood."
--John Daly

"Hanging around. Hanging around. The kid's got alligator blood. You can't get rid of him."
--Teddy KGB

"A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do."
--Bob Dylan

"Today I didn't even have to use my AK, I gotta say it was a good day."
--Ice Cube

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."
--Milton Berle

"No such thing bad student... only bad teacher."
--Mr. Miyagi

"Ain't no sense worrying about the things you got control over 'cause if you got control over 'em, ain't no sense worrying. Ain't no sense worrying about the things you got no control over 'cause if you got no control over 'em, ain't no sense worrying."
--Mickey Rivers

Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine.

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