ESPN.com - Fan-tastic slogans for NBA 2002-'03

ESPN.com: Page 2

Wednesday, October 30, 2002
Fan-tastic slogans for NBA 2002-'03

By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2

When NBA p.r. people gather before the season to carefully plan for the upcoming campaign, one of their most important tasks is to come up with a team slogan.

To put it mildly, these are usually annoyingly pedestrian, something like: "Watch us go." Or, "We're on the ball." Or, "One for the ring finger."


	The Bulls want to clear up any confusion surrounding their new point guard.

Because we know they won't -- or can't -- Page 2, as a public service, is happy to provide an honest yet hopeful slogan for every single NBA team. Hey, don't thank us. Somebody had to do it.

Atlanta Hawks: "We can guarantee happy endings; just join us after each game at The Gold Club."

Boston Celtics: "The thinking man's Portland."

Chicago Bulls: "Proud home of Jason Williams. No, not that one. God, no, definitely not that one. Yeah, that one. ... OK, call him Jay."

Cleveland Cavaliers: "When you've seen every exhibit at The Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame ..."

Dallas Mavericks: "Everything's bigger in Texas ... hairdos, egos, Germans."

Denver Nuggets: "We lose more games before the All-Star break than most teams lose all year!"

Detroit Pistons: "We've been working on our three-man weave, and we want to share it with you!"


	Once you've tasted the play of Yao Ming and the Rockets, you'll be wanting more.

Golden State Warriors: "Good enough to finish fourth in the West ... the Mountain West."

Houston Rockets: "Just hours after watching Chinese star Yao Ming, you'll be hungry for more!"

Indiana Pacers: "Come get your picture taken with famed NBA analyst Cheryl Miller's little brother!"

Los Angeles Clippers: "Accommodating all the B-list celebrities from the WB network who don't have enough juice to score Lakers tickets."

Los Angeles Lakers: "The Staples Center: A great place to watch Salma Hayek watching Edward Norton watch the game."

Memphis Grizzlies: "Need a break from truck-related sporting events?"


	Rub elbows with Salma and Ed at the Staples Center.

Miami Heat: "$20 cover, three-drink minimum, fabulously beautiful people only."

Milwaukee Bucks: "Section 314 of the Bradley Center has been transformed into a lovely Mediterranean Villa with the help of our neighbors, the Indiana Pacers, and the kind folks at 'Trading Spaces.' "

Minnesota Timberwolves: "Just like the Minnesota Lynx, but with dudes."

New Jersey Nets: "My Kidd is a better ball-handler than your honor student."

New Orleans Hornets: "SHOW ... US ... YOUR ... TI[CKE]TS!!! And an usher will gladly show you to your designated seats."

New York Knicks: "As seen in the 1996 Whoopi Goldberg film, 'Eddie.' "

Orlando Magic: "Home to Shawn Kemp, the granddaddy of them all."

Philadelphia 76ers: "Home to the most exciting uniform font in the NBA!"

Phoenix Suns: "Tom Chambers ... Dan Majerle ... Casey Jacobsen ... Our legacy of tanned desert hunks continues."


	Portland lost 300 pounds and the granddaddy of them all.

Portland Trail Blazers: "We lost more than 300 pounds this offseason!"

Sacramento Kings: "Jesus loves the Kings. How do we know that? Well, you can't spell Sacramento without 'amen.' Now, do you really want to root against our Lord and Savior?"

San Antonio Spurs: "The odds of the SBC Center being invaded by Mexican Centralists are highly unlikely."

Seattle SuperSonics: "A refreshing break from overpriced foreign beverages and pretentious wall art!"

Toronto Raptors: "Helping displaced Americans avoid hockey since 1995."

Utah Jazz: "Greg Ostertag: The other white meat."

Washington Wizards: "Come see The House That Abe Pollin Built Without The Aid Of Taxpayer Dollars!"

Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at eimmerman@hotmail.com