ESPN.com - Making a list, hip checking it twice ...

ESPN.com: Page 2

Monday, December 9, 2002
Updated: December 12, 12:08 PM ET
Making a list, hip checking it twice ...

By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2

Mr. Claus opens up his annual wish-list mailbag to reveal what some sports personalities are dreaming of this holiday season ... and then lets us in on what they'll actually be unwrapping on Christmas morning.


	Santa gots to make time for the ladies -- he can't be takin' requests.

Who: Shawn Kemp
What He Wants: "A return to All-Star status as one of the elite power forwards in the NBA, and the return of the McRib sandwich"
What Santa's Getting Him: A.C. Green's "It Ain't Worth It!" abstinence video

***

Who: Hubie Brown
What He Wants: "The No. 1 pick in the 2003 NBA draft, an assortment of sugar-free hard candies, and a boudoir photo of Bea Arthur"
What Santa's Getting Him: Dockers Khakis with Stain Defender (for those nights he can't hold it until halftime)

***

Who: Marty Mornhinweg
What He Wants: "The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook"
What Santa's Getting Him: Clue -- not the classic detective game, the actual human sense of perception

***


	"Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood" probably isn't on his Netflix list.

Who: Hootie Johnson
What He Wants: "A ban on all female members at Augusta National, including Big Bertha; and a Martha Burk voodoo doll"
What Santa's Getting Him: Orchestra seats to "The Vagina Monologues"

***

Who: Don King
What He Wants: "A stupendilicious boutification of monumentalized proportioness between Lennox Lewis and Mike Tyson"
What Santa's Getting Him: Remedial Mad Libs

***

Who: Darryl Strawberry
What He Wants: "Rehabilitation, early parole, and a shot at redemption"
What Santa's Getting Him: A limited-edition of Whitney Houston "Crack is Whack" logo T-shirt (made from hemp)

***

Who: Rafael Palmeiro
What He Wants: "I just want to keep Pudge. It's imperative that I don't lose Pudge."
What Santa's Getting Him: Richard Carlson's "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"

***

Who: Rasheed Wallace
What He Wants: "A lifetime supply of Ziploc brand bags and University of Arizona tight end Justin Levasseur's cell phone number"
What Santa's Getting Him: A coupon for an order of Denny's "Moons Over My Hammy"

***


	C'mon Tonya, it's nothing a little video poker can't fix.

Who: Tonya Harding
What She Wants: "New muffler and brake pads for my home"
What Santa's Getting Her: $50 in Camel Cash

***

Who: Martha Burk
What She Wants: "A woman admitted into Augusta National by year's end, the Star-Spangled Banner replaced with Gloria Gaynor's 'I Will Survive,' and all nighttime sporting events lit entirely by vanilla-scented candles"
What Santa's Getting Her: VHS copy of seminal 1985 comedy, "Just One of the Guys"

***

Who: Mike Piazza
What He Wants: "Anything but fruitcake. I just don't like fruitcakes, not that there's anything wrong with them."
What Santa's Getting Him: A year's subscription to the New York Post.

***

Who: William "Refrigerator" Perry
What He Wants: "A lucrative reunion tour with my innovative rap group, The Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew"
What Santa's Getting Him: Keyboardist Gary Fencik's "Live at Red Rocks" CD

***

Who: Mike Tyson
What He Wants: "I want to eat his [Lenox Lewis'] children and stomp on their testicles. I want to rip out his [Lennox Lewis'] heart and feed it to him."
What Santa's Getting Him: Fondue set

***


	No, you can't go into the hall wearing a Phamacia Tijuana cap.

Who: Jose Canseco
What He Wants: "Induction into the Hall of Fame and a little rent money from Ozzie"
What Santa's Getting Him: Personalized, state-of-the-art bobblehead doll, complete with rampant acne and a bloody nose

***

Who: Mark Madsen
What He Wants: "The best-selling Louis V. Gerstner book, 'Who Says Elephants Can't Dance?' and a date with a Laker girl"
What Santa's Getting Him: Tina Yothers, star of the 1990 made-for-TV movie, "Laker Girls"

***

Who: Dan Marino
What He Wants: "A multi-million dollar contract extension with HBO's 'Inside The NFL'"
What Santa's Getting Him: Isotoner gloves

Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at eimmerman@hotmail.com