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Pat Riley Miami Heat Head Coach Style: Slicked back and helmet tough Status: Active Inspired by: Gordon Gekko Fellow travelers: Lavin; John Calipari Resembles: A senior thesis at the Joseph Hazelwood School of Cosmetology Fashion statement: Complete and utter hair mastery reflects "Winner Within" principles of discipline, self-control. Practical value: Provides protection from referees hellbent on destroying the Miami Heat. For best results: Use high-viscosity motor oil. Something in a 10W-30 grade. Possible complications: Potential war in Iraq could drive up grooming costs. |
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Kevin Greene Ex-NFL lineman Style: Flowing, unkempt locks, peeking out from under the helmet. Status: Unknown Inspired by: Thor, the Norse god of thunder Fellow travelers: Gastineau; Mark Stepnoski; Jeremy Shockey Resembles: Something you'd see on a Metallica roadie Fashion statement: Neither hair nor pass rush can be contained. Practical value: Makes you look faster when running. For best results: Wash infrequently, if at all. Possible complications: Can result in second career as professional wrestler. |
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Don King Boxing promoter Style: Finger-in-the-socket, toaster-in-the-tub poof job Status: Active Inspired by: Those cute little troll dolls. Fellow travelers: Those cute little troll dolls; Christopher Lloyd in "Back to the Future" (brushed down). Resembles: Cotton candy, without the pink coloring. Fashion statement: Kill a man! Lie and cheat! Get rich! Only in America! Practical value: In a pinch, can be used to conceal stolen money. For best results: Avoid hats. Possible complications: Birds may attempt to nest. |
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Scot Pollard Sacramento Kings Style: A schizophrenic melange of pointy mutton chops, bushy chin whiskers and a samurai-style top-knot. Status: Inactive, save the chin whiskers Inspired by: Steven Segal, with a dash of Hugh Jackman in "X-Men" Fellow travelers: That dude with the bloodshot eyes who took an hour and a half to deliver your pizza the other night. Resembles: Your hair ... on drugs Fashion statement: Know the names of any other NBA backup centers? Practical value: Jarring mishmash diverts attention from rapidly receding hairline. For best results: Trim chops with a straight razor ... and a level. Possible complications: If mistaken for a real-life samurai, you may be attacked by ninjas. |
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Carlos Valderrama Colorado Rapids Style: An overgrown orange Afro Status: Active, we assume Inspired by: Carrot Top Fellow travelers: None ... for shame Resembles: In the proper light, a luminous halo Fashion statement: Both hair and game are head and shoulders above the competition. Practical value: Acts as a shock absorber on headers. For best results: A blow dryer in each hand works wonders. Possible complications: When wet, looks dangerously like a jheri curl. |
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Chris Webber Sacramento Kings Style: The high-top fade Status: Mercifully inactive Inspired by: Bobby Brown, Kadeem Harrison, "Hammerman" the cartoon Fellow travelers: For a brief period in the early 1990s, just about everyone Resembles: A shoe box, though some variations looked more like a Mesopotamian ziggurat Fashion statement: Put me in the mix, coach. Practical value: Adds two-to-four inches to listed height. For best results: Accessorize with red-denim suspenders, worn backwards. Possible complications: Encourages wearer to shave designs and/or phrases into the side of the scalp (see Mason, Anthony). |
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Marv Albert Broadcaster Style: The classic toupee Status: Active Inspired by: Hats, skullcaps, helmets, visors and all other artificial means of covering the skull Fellow travelers: Bud Selig, Sam Donaldson, Jim Traficant, probably Ted Danson Resembles: A well-groomed mongoose pelt Fashion statement: If hair is already dead, then what's the big deal? Practical value: Scares off poisonous cobras. For best results: Powder regularly. Possible complications: Can be torn off during sexual peccadilloes. |
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Phil Jackson L.A. Lakers Head Coach Style: The Soul Patch Status: Inactive Inspired by: Shakespeare, the Blues Brothers, "Chris Gaines" Fellow travelers: Mike Piazza, Anton Apolo Ohno Resembles: A benign skin tumor, or possibly melanoma Fashion statement: Facial secret garden imparts mystery, touch of cool. At least, that's the idea. Practical value: Extends razor life by, say, a dozen or so swipes per blade. For best results: Rub constantly with thumb and forefinger, as if you're thinking about something other than a rendezvous with the owner's daughter. Possible complications: Random strangers may want to punch you in the face. |
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Rebecca Lobo Houston Comets Style: Cornrows Status: Inactive Inspired by: Allen Iverson, Latrell Sprewell, Snoop Dogg Fellow travelers: Plenty, all of whom would have been sporting high-top fades in the early 1990s Resembles: Macramé; ship rope Fashion statement: As real as the streets -- of your local, high-end gated suburban community, where most pro athletes tend to live Practical value: Lessens drag during drives to the hoop For best results: Add tattoos, another indicator of rebellious, streetwise individuality Possible complications: May look really, really silly |
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Brian Bosworth Ex-NFL lineman Style: A day-glo mullet Status: Regrettably inactive Inspired by: David Bowie Fellow travelers: Randy Johnson, Billy Ray Cyrus, the National Hockey League Resembles: A Tang-colored waterfall Fashion statement: Hello, Cleveland! Are you ready to rock? Practical value: Helps sell books and T-shirts. For best results: To avoid thinning, limit steroid use to reasonable level. Possible complications: Can result in a series of direct-to-video action movies. |
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Gene Keady Purdue Boilermakers Head Coach Style: The combover Status: Active as ever Inspired by: Anyone and everyone who refuses to go gently into the good night of baldness Fellow travelers: Rudy Guliani, Joe Lieberman, used car salesman across the nation Resembles: A half-built skyscraper Fashion statement: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain -- I am the great and mighty Oz! Practical value: Maximizes your hair's work rate. If that's important to you. For best results: Wear sunscreen during daylight hours. Possible complications: Has never fooled anyone. |
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Andre Agassi Tennis star Style: A permed-out, puffed-up, rock 'n' roll tennis top Status: Condemned to history's dustbin, like Communism and the 8-track Inspired by: Flock of Seagulls Fellow travelers: One of a kind Resembles: A mullet, subjected to a gamma-ray experiment gone horribly wrong Fashion statement: Gaze upon me, ye Bosworths, ye Pollards, ye Valderramas. And despair. Practical value: Makes everyone around you look good. For best results: Take to dog groomers at least twice a month. Possible complications: May go down as the worst sports 'do of all-time. |