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Thursday, January 23, 2003
Head-to-Head: Jon Gruden vs. Chucky

By Patrick Hruby
Special to Page 2

One's a demonic children's doll with piercing eyes and malice on the brain. The other merely looks like one. With comparisons between Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden and Chucky from the "Child's Play" film series fast approaching the worn-out status of "you have been voted off the island!" jokes, it's time to settle matters once and for all. Herein, the Head-to-Head:

Jon Gruden vs. Chucky
Category  
Jon Gruden
 
Chucky
  Winner
Facial Expressions   Crazed   Homicidal   Draw ... Tourette's Syndrome is no laughing matter
Superhuman Abilities   Only sleeps four hours a night   Doesn't need batteries   Chucky ... more eco-friendly
Preferred Means of Creating Havoc   Warren Sapp   A butcher knife; a hammer; throwing baby sitters out of windows   Chucky ... unless you're Green Bay coach Mike Sherman
Overflowing with ...   X's and O's   The lost soul of the notorious Lakeshore Strangler   Gruden ... let's see Mr. Lakeshore dissect a Cover 2 defense
One Shining Moment   Named to People Magazine's "50 Most Beautiful" list   Enjoyed sweet doll love in "Bride of Chucky"   Gruden ... joins distinguished alums Patrick Swayze ("Road House"), British PM Tony Blair
Not to Be Confused with ...   "Beverly Hills 90210" star Ian Ziering   Detroit Pistons guard Chucky Atkins   Chucky ... Steve Sanders never averaged 8.1 ppg for a playoff contender
Production Costs   $8 million and four top draft picks   Significantly less, we're guessing   Chucky ... you can't put a price tag on a labor of love
Delicious Irony   Coaching against his old team in the Big Game   First victim was the same person who recommended Chucky be purchased from a shady peddler   Chucky ... never saw that one coming
Appropriated Catchphrase   "Just win, baby" (Al Davis)   "Look who's ... stalking!" ("Child's Play 3")   Gruden ... even though Davis was probably referring to a lawsuit
Miscast:   Rob Johnson at QB   Jennifer Tilly in "Bride of Chucky"   Chucky ... given the choice, who would you rather, er, sack?
Go Figure   Offensive mastermind is winning with defense   Despite being linked to a series of murders, destroyed doll is perpetually remade by the greedy Good Guy toy company. Will they never learn?   Gruden ... it worked for Brian Billick

Final Judgement: It's Chucky in a close one, 6-4. Never mind that the long-awaited fifth installment in the "Child's Play" series -- "Seed of Chucky" -- is still languishing in preproduction.

Patrick Hruby is a sportswriter for the Washington Times. You can reach him at phrub@yahoo.com.