Thursday, January 30, 2003 Updated: February 4, 1:18 PM ET
Well suited
By Dan Shanoff Page 2 columnist
There's a swimsuit issue coming in February, and you better tell your mail-carrier to keep his hands to himself -- the "National Geographic" special swimsuit issue is all yours!
If that august publication can put together a skimpy swimsuit edition, then it's open season for the rest of the mags out there. And, as always, Page 2 is way out front of the story. Here's what we are hearing:
People
OK, let's stick with J-Lo. Ben, we'll call you later.
Gimmick: Celebrity swimsuits Ideal Cover Subject: Jen and Ben ... no, wait: Jen and Brad!...no, wait: Jen and Jen! Why It Will Fail: The special "Louie Anderson" section
Fortune Gimmick: "Swim-with-the-Sharks Suits" Ideal Cover Subject: The Street's top-rated analysts bare all! Why It Will Fail: Talent underperformance, just like Wall Street this year
ESPN The Magazine Gimmick: "Swimsuits with Attitude" Ideal Cover Subject: Dennis Rodman in a waterproof bottomless mini-wedding dress Why It Will Fail: ESPN The Mag readers love attitude, but there's a limit
Rolling Stone Gimmick: Bikini Britney Ideal Cover Subject: Britney Spears, in a two-piece suit made out of old vinyl albums Why It Will Fail: Because no one cares about Britney anymore ... or vinyl, for that matter
New Yorker Gimmick: Smart swimsuits Ideal cover subject: Susan Sontag Why it'll never work: As Woody Allen so wisely put it, the brain is only our second-favorite organ
Outdoor Gimmick: "Au Naturale" Ideal Cover Subject: Women of the Great Outdoors Games Why It Will Fail: Nobody -- except maybe the English -- is interested in women who can kick Ray Lewis' butt
Good lord, put some clothes on!
TV Guide Gimmick: "The Top 50 Swimsuit-Related TV Episodes of All-Time!" Ideal Cover Subject: George Costanza from "Shrinkage" episode Why It Will Fail: Chose George over Jennifer Garner
Cosmo Gimmick: "Swimsuits and Sex! Take our Quiz!" Ideal Cover Subject: Some impossibly luscious, air-brushed model in a bikini Why It Will Fail: Impossibly luscious? Air-brushed? Quizzes on guys? Hey, this is no "special" issue!
Good Housekeeping Gimmick: Recipes for the family beach picnic Ideal Cover Subject: A young Florence Henderson in a modified "Kiss the Cook" apron Why It Will Fail: Readers won't be able to get the image out of their heads of Henderson in bed with Ozzy in that Pepsi Twist ad
Consumer Reports Gimmick: Swimsuit ratings Ideal Cover Subject: Ralph Nader looking in mirror, notebook in hand Why It Will Fail: Have you ever seen Ralph in a bathing suit?
Ah, the Alias girl! What were we thinking with Costanza?
Entertainment Weekly Gimmick: Swimsuits of the spy genre Ideal Cover Subject: Jennifer Garner Why It Will Fail: Maybe that spread of "It Boy" Owen Wilson with only a strategically placed cowboy hat was not such a good idea, after all
Vanity Fair Gimmick: "Swimsuit Hollywood" Ideal Cover Subject: Nicole Kidman, tastefully photographed by Annie Liebovitz Why It Will Fail: That Kathy Bates centerfold
Martha Stewart Living Gimmick: Two-piece jumpsuits Ideal Cover Subject: The Ladies of D-Block Why It Will Fail: Contrary to popular belief, even striped two-piece jumpsuits don't make you look thinner
Seventeen Gimmick: "Swimsuits for the Winter Prom After-Party" Ideal Cover Subject: Katie Holmes, Kirsten Dunst ... we're not picky Why It Will Fail: Get your mind out of the gutter (is there an "Eighteen"?)
Playboy Gimmick: "Birthday Suits" Ideal Cover Subject: As usual, whoever is on the verge of pop-culture obscurity Why It Will Fail: Actually, the swimsuit-less swimsuit issue may be a winner!
Dan Shanoff is a columnist for Page 2. His regular column, The Daily Quickie, is published at 9 a.m. every weekday morning.
