Tuesday, April 15, 2003 Updated: April 18, 9:42 AM ET
A real YES man
By Jim Caple Page 2 columnist
Editor's note: Iraqi information minister Mohammad Saeed Al-Sahhaf gained infamy in recent weeks for defiant proclamations that often ran 180 degrees opposite of reality. What career might await such a man in the post-Saddam world? Page 2 speculates ...
"It is high! It is far! It is gone! Another six-run homer for the Yanks!"
MICHAEL KAY: Hello, Yankees fans, and welcome to another night of exciting Yankees baseball, with Andy Pettitte and the Bronx Bombers taking on Pedro Martinez and the Red Sox in a meeting between the greatest rivals in sports. In addition to the great game, we have a special treat for you tonight. Joining me in the booth is my new broadcast partner and the newest member of the YES crew, Mohammad Saeed Al-Shahhaf, the former Iraqi information minister.
SAEED AL-SAHHAF: Good evening, infidels! Praise Steinbrenner!
KAY: I must say, Mohammad, it's a beautiful night for baseball.
SAEED AL-SAHHAF: I swear to you by all that is holy that the moon will run crimson with the blood of the Boston infidels before this night is over! Already, the indomitable Yankees lead by seven runs, and the corrupt Red Sox are fleeing the stadium! They have forfeited the game and are returning to their homes to lick their wounds like the pathetic curs they are! Run like the wind, you stooges of western imperialism, and take your odor with you! You should never have stepped foot in our kingdom! Your arrogance has sealed your doom and condemned your children and your children's children to lives of slavery!
KAY: Well, we certainly hope that's the way it turns out tonight, Mohammad, but actually, we're still waiting for the managers to exchange lineup cards. ...
[LATER IN THE GAME]
Jason Giambi admires the Mother of All Home Runs.
SAEED AL-SAHHAF: Welcome back, infidels! The great Jason Giambi has just hit the Mother of All Home Runs and the indomitable Yankees have extended their lead to 12-3 over the outlaw Red Sox, chasing that most despicable of creatures, Pedro Martinez, from the mound! Retreat to the showers, you foul hurler, you malodorous tyrant! You shame your ancestors and defile the sacred Yankee Stadium soil!
KAY: I think you misspoke slightly there, Mohammad. The Yankees actually trail Pedro and the Red Sox by a score of 7-1 here in the bottom of the fifth. But here's some good news for Yankees fans. The Devil Rays beat the Blue Jays by a score of 5-3 this afternoon, which puts Toronto 9½ games behind the Yankees.
SAEED AL-SAHHAF: The enemy of my enemy is my friend! Praise Steinbrenner!
KAY: And that reminds me Mohammad, there still are great seats remaining for the Yankees' series with the Orioles during the next homestand.
SAEED AL-SAHHAF: Keep your rainchecks handy, infidels -- I personally guarantee you the series will not take place! The world will see! The cowardly birds will not dare to invade our borders!
KAY: We also should mention the great promotion the Yankees have for the series after that.
SAEED AL-SAHHAF: It is true! In a humbly insufficient tribute to our great and brave leader -- praise Steinbrenner! -- the Yankees will give away solid gold idols in the image of the mighty Boss! Hand-sculpted, each is valued at $30,000 yet will be distributed freely without obligation to the first 200,000 fans attending next Saturday's game with Minnesota! These are truly heirlooms that will demand a place of honor in the homes of all Yankees fans!
KAY: Actually, I think it's Jorge Posada bobblehead night but it's still a swell giveaway. ...
[STILL LATER IN THE GAME]
The Yankees' might will smite this infidel from New England.
SAEED AL-SAHHAF: Bernie steps back into the box as all New York holds its breath ... the war criminal Martinez peers in for the sign ... he winds and delivers ... swung on and belted deep to left! It's going ... going ... and it's gone! ORDER THE SERVANTS TO ROAST THE FATTED CALF AND LAY OUT THE SATIN SHEETS, THE VESTAL VIRGINS HAVE ENTERED THE PALACE!!!! The Yankees lead is 12 runs and Martinez has collapsed on the mound! BOO-YAH!!!
KAY: Actually Mohammad, I think that was a called third strike on Giambi. And it leaves the score 14-2 in favor of Boston with the bases empty and the Yankees down to their final out. Mohammad, I guess it's just not the Yankees' night.
SAEED AL-SAHHAF: We have the infidels just where we want them! Manager Joe Torre has cleverly led the scarlet-hosed stooges into a noose from which there is no escape! The Red Sox child general manager Epstein has dispatched his players on a suicide mission! We shall humble this New England gang of villains and leave their bones to dry in the desert sun as a warning to our enemies! Praise Steinbrenner!
KAY: Yes, well, I guess that's like Yogi said, It ain't over 'til it's over. Anyway, here's the pitch ... Matsui swings and pops it up ... Garciaparra is under it and ... he squeezes it for the final out. And that's the old ballgame.
SAEED AL-SAHHAF: The Yankees win! Thaaaaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaaa Yankees win!
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.