Friday, May 2, 2003
Dancing with Destiny
By Jeff Merron Page 2 staff
We already know plenty about Alabama coach Mike Price. We know, for example, that he was 83-77 at Washington State and had an
overall 129-121 record in his long coaching career before he was named the Crimson Tide's head coach in December.
We know he was born in Denver. We know he has three grown children. And we know he is 56 years old.
But we don't know much about his "Destiny." Only, so far, that he spent a couple of hundred bucks on her at a
Pensacola strip club.
Did Mike Price's trip to the "dance hall" happen by accident?
The Page 2 Brain Trust charged this writer to "find out everything you can
about Destiny," and in a few hours, the research was complete. It was not
difficult. Google had 3,090,000 references to the woman.
Actually, her offspring is more famous than she is, even after the latest
scandal.
Destiny, it turns out, has a very popular child -- with the most popular "destiny" Web site
on the Net, according to Google. And Destiny's Child, like Destiny herself,
is closely connected to the sports world, having performed before a jeering
Philly crowd at halftime of Game 4 of the 2001 NBA Finals.
Still, Destiny's Child is immensely successful. Which leads to the question, why
is Destiny doing lap dances for $200 bucks a pop?
Well, to make that kind of dough just for showing her goodies, she must be
built. Perhaps it's just that, as Sigmund Freud so famously wrote, "Anatomy
is destiny."
And what was Price doing in the strip club that night? It surely was no
accident, if you believe the author Harriet Rosenstein, who said, "Destiny
is something men select." Price, a goal-oriented coach who clearly knows how
to get what he wants, seems to have done just that.
Indeed, completely fictional sources have told Page 2 that during the
evening in Pensacola, Price quoted Williams Jennings Bryan, repeating over
and over, "Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice."
But more about the woman. Dozens of songs have been written about her. Among
them:
In Destiny
Mr. Destiny
Destiny Sponge
Destiny Street
Well of Destiny
Your Destiny
It's Destiny
New Destiny
One Destiny
My Destiny
Destiny Jam
Destiny Y2k
Destiny Blues
Destiny Calls
Destiny Angel
Destiny on the Beach
Date With Destiny
Destiny Tonite
She's also inspired a number of bands, including at least four named,
without adornment, "Destiny." Considering her strong musical background, we
thought it best to make wild guesses at some other aspects of Destiny's
background and character by studying the names of other bands named after
her.
Without giving it much thought, we propose that "One Destiny" suggests that Price's Destiny
has a sense of the absurd -- clearly, if there was only one destiny, there
wouldn't be so many destinies. "Two for Destiny" hints that if she's a
drinking woman, she doesn't like to wait for the next one. "People of
Destiny" clearly indicates that she has a strong following of some sort, and
"Jesters of Destiny" must have gotten together solely to amuse her.
"Destiny's Tots" -- put them together with "Destiny's Children" and you've
got one family-oriented woman. (Makes us wonder if Price and Destiny spent their evening comparing notes about Pampers and pre-schools.) And she apparently is always trying to improve herself, as exemplified by "New Divine Destiny."
Now, at this point we should make it abundantly clear that we could be
entirely mistaken about Price's Destiny. At this point in our research, the evidence leads us to believe only that she is:
A well-built mother of very successful child entertainers who drinks 'em two
at a time, has a great sense of humor, probably reads lots of self-help
books, and has some kind of religious following.
So we had to find out more. We went to see what others had said about
Destiny. Immediately, we found out that we weren't the only ones looking for
answers. For example, Kain, in the blockbuster 1999 hit "Legacy of Kain:
Soul Reaver," asked, with a hint of desperation, "Destiny is a game, is it
not?"
If Kain wasn't sure, would anyone be? The short answer is: yes. For example:
Destiny, wrote Ambrose Pierce, is, "A tyrant's authority for crime and a
fool's excuse for failure."
Destiny, said Annie Reed, the character played by Meg Ryan in "Sleepless in
Seattle, "is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact that
everything that happens is accidental."
Destiny, suggested Tick, in "The Tick," is a housekeeper: "Destiny's
powerful hand has made the bed of my future ..."
Other things we know about Destiny, from our sports heritage, is that there
have been hundreds, if not more, "teams of destiny." Red Auerbach called
Larry Bird, way back in 1981, a "player of destiny. " And just about every
team in every sport (ignoring that nattering nabob of negativism, Bud Selig)
likes to believe "we control our own destiny." Did Price know how much this woman gets around?
And did he know this? That there is a "Mr. Destiny" -- a 1990 baseball-related
flick starring James Belushi, Linda Hamilton, Michael Caine, Jon Lovitz,
Rene Russo, and Courteney Cox?
In the end, we had to give up. For all we know about Coach Price, we're
ultimately ignorant on the subject of Destiny. Or, if we may be permitted to
end with a final quote, from the great playwright Samuel Beckett: "What do I
know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes."
