Tuesday, May 27, 2003
Good thing he's a hockey goalie
By Jim Caple
Page 2 columnist
Anaheim goalie Jean-Sebastien Giguere has been as defiant as the French Resistance and as difficult as a French waiter. He allowed a single goal during the Mighty Ducks' conference finals series sweep over the Minnesota Wild, including three straight shutouts, making him the first goalie to ever accomplish that feat in a Stanley Cup semifinal.
Nothing gets by this guy.
The Red Wings, Stars and Wild may disagree, but the rest of us should be glad that Giguere didn't take up a different career.
What if ... Giguere worked at the airport?
[A DISNEYLAND-LENGTH LINE OF FRUSTRATED PASSENGERS SERPENTINES THROUGHOUT THE AIRPORT. BUSINESSMEN NERVOUSLY GLANCE AT THEIR WATCHES WHILE THEY WAIT FOR TSA SECURITY AGENT OF THE QUARTER JEAN-SEBASTIEN GIGUERE TO FINISH CLEARING A PASSENGER. THE MAN HAS TAKEN EVERY ITEM OUT OF HIS CARRY-ON AND IS COMPLETELY DISROBED.]
GIGUERE: I'm sorry, sir. You'll have to remove your fillings.
What if ... Giguera took over as President Bush's secretary?
[CONDALEEZA RICE APPROACHES GIGUERE AT HIS DESK OUTSIDE THE OVAL OFFICE.]
GIGUERE [IN A SMARMY DAVID SPADE VOICE]: May I help you?
RICE: Yes, I'm here to see the president.
GIGUERE: And you are ...?
RICE: Ummmm, Condoleeza Rice.
GIGUERE: And he would know you from ...?
RICE: I'm his National Security advisor.
GIGUERE: And this is regarding ...?
RICE: Today's National Security Council meeting.
GIGUERE: And you had an appointment ...?
RICE: Yes! I'm Condoleeza Rice. I'm his National Security advisor. It's the weekly National Security Council meeting. I run the meeting.
GIGUERE: Yes, well, you may stay for now, but could you be a dear thing and take a seat over there? With those other gentlemen? It would be so helpful.
[RICE RELUCTANTLY SITS DOWN NEXT TO SEVERAL OTHERS.]
RICE: It is so difficult to see the president ever since he hired that miserable new secretary.
COLIN POWELL: Tell me about it. That little SOB has kept me from seeing the president for four months.
GIGUERE: I heard that!
What if ... Giguere worked for the cable company?
[A CUSTOMER LISTENS ON HIS PHONE TO THE NEW CABLE COMPANY SERVICE OPERATOR -- GIGUERE.]
GIGUERE: Our first available appointment to install service is 2004. You'll need to have someone home from February to November to meet the representative.
What if ... Giguere was a Minneapolis traffic officer?
[Randy Moss slowly pulls his Cadillac Escalade out of a Minneapolis parking ramp until Giguere blows his whistle and holds up his palm.]
GIGUERE: I'm sorry sir, you can't go this way. You'll have to turn right.
MOSS: Yes, sir.
[MOSS CAREFULLY TURNS RIGHT AND SLOWLY MOTORS AWAY.]
What if ... Giguere ran your company's e-mail system?
[SOFTWARE ENGINEER PETER GIBBONS TURNS TO HIS INITECH OFFICE MATES, MICHAEL BOLTON AND SAMIR.]
PETER: Now that you mention it, Samir, it's been weeks since I received an e-mail telling me I can earn $2,000 a week from home.
MICHAEL: And that Nairubian Queen has stopped promising me $50,000 in two months if I send her $1,000 now to help her out of a temporary jam.
PETER: And no one is offering nude photos of sexy Japanese lasses, either.
SAMIR: How about an offer to enlarge your penis? Has anyone gotten one of those recently?
SAMIR: In fact, when you get right down to it. I don't think I've gotten an e-mail from outside the Initech system since January.
PETER: Yeah. All we get are Lumbergh's reminders to file our TPS reports.
SAMIR: I think it changed right about the time we hired that Giguere guy to replace Milton.
PETER: He must really know his stuff. Nothing gets through his firewall.
SAMIR: It's very impressive. And we're much more productive now that we aren't bothered by spam.
[THE THREE ARE SILENT AS THEY GO BACK TO WORK. AFTER A COUPLE MINUTES, MICHAEL BREAKS THE SILENCE.]
MICHAEL: I do sort of miss the penile enlargement ads.
What if ... Giguere coached football at Alabama?
[AS A DANCER PERFORMS IN FRONT OF HIM, GIGUERE GLANCES AT HIS WATCH WHILE HE SITS AT THE BAR IN A STRIP CLUB. THE BARTENDER TAKES HIS GLASS.]
BARTENDER: Another drink, sir?
GIGUERE: No, I'm cutting myself off. I have to get up early tomorrow.
[HE RETURNS TO HIS HOTEL ALONE.]
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.