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Tuesday, May 27, 2003
Good thing he's a hockey goalie

By Jim Caple
Page 2 columnist

Anaheim goalie Jean-Sebastien Giguere has been as defiant as the French Resistance and as difficult as a French waiter. He allowed a single goal during the Mighty Ducks' conference finals series sweep over the Minnesota Wild, including three straight shutouts, making him the first goalie to ever accomplish that feat in a Stanley Cup semifinal.

Nothing gets by this guy.

The Red Wings, Stars and Wild may disagree, but the rest of us should be glad that Giguere didn't take up a different career.

What if ... Giguere worked at the airport?

[A DISNEYLAND-LENGTH LINE OF FRUSTRATED PASSENGERS SERPENTINES THROUGHOUT THE AIRPORT. BUSINESSMEN NERVOUSLY GLANCE AT THEIR WATCHES WHILE THEY WAIT FOR TSA SECURITY AGENT OF THE QUARTER JEAN-SEBASTIEN GIGUERE TO FINISH CLEARING A PASSENGER. THE MAN HAS TAKEN EVERY ITEM OUT OF HIS CARRY-ON AND IS COMPLETELY DISROBED.]

GIGUERE: I'm sorry, sir. You'll have to remove your fillings.

What if ... Giguera took over as President Bush's secretary?

[CONDALEEZA RICE APPROACHES GIGUERE AT HIS DESK OUTSIDE THE OVAL OFFICE.]

GIGUERE [IN A SMARMY DAVID SPADE VOICE]: May I help you?

RICE: Yes, I'm here to see the president.

GIGUERE: And you are ...?

RICE: Ummmm, Condoleeza Rice.

GIGUERE: And he would know you from ...?

RICE: I'm his National Security advisor.

GIGUERE: And this is regarding ...?

RICE: Today's National Security Council meeting.

GIGUERE: And you had an appointment ...?

RICE: Yes! I'm Condoleeza Rice. I'm his National Security advisor. It's the weekly National Security Council meeting. I run the meeting.

GIGUERE: Yes, well, you may stay for now, but could you be a dear thing and take a seat over there? With those other gentlemen? It would be so helpful.

[RICE RELUCTANTLY SITS DOWN NEXT TO SEVERAL OTHERS.]

RICE: It is so difficult to see the president ever since he hired that miserable new secretary.

COLIN POWELL: Tell me about it. That little SOB has kept me from seeing the president for four months.

GIGUERE: I heard that!

What if ... Giguere worked for the cable company?

[A CUSTOMER LISTENS ON HIS PHONE TO THE NEW CABLE COMPANY SERVICE OPERATOR -- GIGUERE.]

GIGUERE: Our first available appointment to install service is 2004. You'll need to have someone home from February to November to meet the representative.

What if ... Giguere was a Minneapolis traffic officer?

[Randy Moss slowly pulls his Cadillac Escalade out of a Minneapolis parking ramp until Giguere blows his whistle and holds up his palm.]

GIGUERE: I'm sorry sir, you can't go this way. You'll have to turn right.

MOSS: Yes, sir.

[MOSS CAREFULLY TURNS RIGHT AND SLOWLY MOTORS AWAY.]

What if ... Giguere ran your company's e-mail system?

[SOFTWARE ENGINEER PETER GIBBONS TURNS TO HIS INITECH OFFICE MATES, MICHAEL BOLTON AND SAMIR.]

PETER: Now that you mention it, Samir, it's been weeks since I received an e-mail telling me I can earn $2,000 a week from home.

MICHAEL: And that Nairubian Queen has stopped promising me $50,000 in two months if I send her $1,000 now to help her out of a temporary jam.

PETER: And no one is offering nude photos of sexy Japanese lasses, either.

SAMIR: How about an offer to enlarge your penis? Has anyone gotten one of those recently?

MICHAEL: No.

PETER: No.

SAMIR: In fact, when you get right down to it. I don't think I've gotten an e-mail from outside the Initech system since January.

PETER: Yeah. All we get are Lumbergh's reminders to file our TPS reports.

SAMIR: I think it changed right about the time we hired that Giguere guy to replace Milton.

PETER: He must really know his stuff. Nothing gets through his firewall.

SAMIR: It's very impressive. And we're much more productive now that we aren't bothered by spam.

[THE THREE ARE SILENT AS THEY GO BACK TO WORK. AFTER A COUPLE MINUTES, MICHAEL BREAKS THE SILENCE.]

MICHAEL: I do sort of miss the penile enlargement ads.

What if ... Giguere coached football at Alabama?

[AS A DANCER PERFORMS IN FRONT OF HIM, GIGUERE GLANCES AT HIS WATCH WHILE HE SITS AT THE BAR IN A STRIP CLUB. THE BARTENDER TAKES HIS GLASS.]

BARTENDER: Another drink, sir?

GIGUERE: No, I'm cutting myself off. I have to get up early tomorrow.

[HE RETURNS TO HIS HOTEL ALONE.]

Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.