ESPN.com - Bad hair day, revisited

ESPN.com: Page 2

Monday, June 23, 2003
Bad hair day, revisited

By Patrick Hruby
Special to Page 2

The readers have spoken, and the message is clear.

Like Darnell Hillman's epochal afro, the Bad Sports Hair Hall of Shame can contain multitudes.

When Page 2 presented its inaugural class for the Bad Sports Hair Hall of Shame back in January, the response was swift. And merciless. Hundreds of readers wrote in -- some to cheer, some to complain, most to offer their own nominees.

After tallying the votes and carefully considering your suggestions -- no hanging chaff here, unless it's stuck in Carlos Valderrama's glo-fro -- we're pleased to introduce your fellow travelers, those also receiving votes, and, of course, the Bad Sports Hair Hall of Shame Class of 2003:

Fellow Travelers

Carlos Valderrama

Hair Bear from "The Hair Bear Bunch"

-- suggested by Ron Holden

Andre Agassi

Olivia Newton-John

-- suggested by David Vann

Marv Albert

Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel

-- suggested by by Bill Deitch

Kevin Greene

Minnesota Viking Chris Hovan

-- suggested by by William Fuhry

Gene Keady

PTI's Tony Kornheiser

-- suggested by by Jim Cudahy

Also Receiving Votes
Kendall Gill -- Guard/Forward, Minnesota Timberwolves:
Reader comment: "While he used to be at the height of fashion with a geometric flattop, he's in trouble these days. He started off the year with dreadlocks, which, while not terrible, look nearly as bad as when Ditka sported them for the Ricky W press conference. Now it's devolved into some strange jheri curl ... if you have any contact with anyone in the NBA, relay the message that he needs to get a cut." -- Pete Gerdts

Barry Melrose -- NHL analyst, former NHL coach
Reader comment: "Great analyst, great hockey-mind, horrible mix of jheri curls, mullet and highlights." -- Steve Kowalski


	Becks might be known more for his hair than his game.

David Beckham -- International Soccer/Tabloid Star
Reader comment: "C'mon, where's David Beckham's hair at the World Cup this year? That thing looked like a dead raccoon that fell out of a tree while he was walking to the game!" -- John Holgate

Michael Irvin -- Sports Gabber/Former NFL receiver
Reader comment: "A less glaring omission: Michael Irvin's "racing stripes" cut." -- Michael Ben-Asher

Dwayne Schintzius -- Former NBA player
Reader comment: "I suppose we can all forgive not mentioning Carolina's J.R. Reid as a high-top fade pioneer, but there is little to no forgiveness for omitting Dwayne Schintzius from your list of Sports Hair Hall of Shame. His extra-long mullet was terrible, as was his game. Boz may have had the multicolored clipper-etched lines, but Dwayne had towering height on his top and eye-bulging length in the back. A classic "Kentucky Waterfall." Face it, his hair screamed "party" all the time." -- Matthew Glover

Danny Wiseman -- Pro Bowler
Reader comment: "Danny Wiseman, sporting the whitewalls with a chin strap." -- Andrew Krimstock

Oscar Gamble -- Former baseball player
Reader comment: "How did you leave off Oscar Gamble? How he ever kept a batting helmet or baseball cap on has got to be one of the great mysteries of baseball." -- Jerry Galant

Mel Kiper, Jr. -- NFL Draft guru
Reader comment: "His hair is so bad I can't take him seriously. And don't give me that "well-he-works-for-ESPN" excuse!! Leave NO stone unturned, brotha!" -- Dan Costello


	Thank god for Ken that his profession requires a helmet.

Jaromir Jagr -- Washington Capitals forward
Reader comment: "There have been so many bad mullets in hockey that it's easy to think that no one mullet stood out from the rest. However, I respectfully submit that Jaromir Jagr's mid-90s poodle-mullet (a perennial performer) should've been on your worst 'dos list." -- Andrew Simpson

Ken Dorsey -- Former Miami quarterback
Reader Comment: "Absolutely brutal. Looks like Jim Carrey in "Dumb and Dumber." Bangs?!!? Haircut by Tupperware. Horrible." -- Scott Beckley

Kerry Fraser -- NHL referee
Reader Comment: "He ranks up there with Jimmy Johnson for hair that doesn't move. Except that Kerry got hit in the head by a puck, got stitches, and his hair still hadn't moved." -- Nick Titus

Yours Truly -- "Special" to Page 2
Reader comment: "Who in the hell are you anyway, to determine whether any individual is in or out of style? Let's take a look at what your schlepping around on the top of your head. You're a jerk!!" -- Albert Torres

The Class of '03

	Steve Nash Point guard, Dallas Mavericks Reader comment: "How can any bad hair list be comprised without looking at your own front page and seeing that which is an abomination unto God: The hair of Steve Nash ... Nash's hair will never look good even if Jose Ebert spent a four day weekend on it.."-- Marc Ledet Style: Are you kidding? Status: Active. Inspired by: Wet dogs, overgrown foliage. Fellow travelers: The Ewoks; Benji: The Hunted; according to one reader, Khan's son in "Star Trek II." Resembles: The end result when a Flobee, a bottle of vodka and a funhouse mirror get together ... for a night of no regrets. Fashion statement: Fashion is dead. Dada is all. Practical value: When ballboys are unavailable, doubles as sweat mop. For best results: Cut with a dull butter knife. Possible complications: Like sand at the beach, it gets in everything.
	Dennis Rodman Former NBA forward Reader comment: "Where's Rodman?" -- Mike Sechrest Style: Depends on the season, the year, and probably the lunar cycle. Status: Radioactive. Inspired by: Initially, Wesley Snipes in "Demolition Man"; in later years, the visible spectrum of light, which runs from red to violet. Fellow travelers: The Worm walks -- or is it squiggles? -- alone. Resembles: A ketchup-soaked Chia Pet; recently released images of the infant universe; what the late Timothy Leary saw when he closed his eyes to sleep. Fashion statement: A desperate cry for attention? Actually, that would be my scrotal piercings. Practical value: Hair matches leopard-print panties when you're in the mood for cross-dressing; how many other NBA rebounding champs have a best-selling book? For best results: Empty a box of Crayolas. Smash against skull. Possible complications: Head is mistaken for Easter Egg and hidden on White House Lawn.
	Lou Henson Men's Basketball Coach, New Mexico State Reader comment: "There is no way possible that Lou Henson's hair doesn't make the top ten worst hair in sports. Hell, there's no way possible his hair doesn't make the top ten worst of all time." -- Brendan Hostetler Style: The legendary "Lou-Do," king of all combovers. Status: Active. Inspired by: The ever-resourceful A-Team, who could shape the contents of the average garage into a log-shooting armored personnel carrier. Fellow travelers: Late-night gabber Tom Snyder; Zero Mostel in "The Producers"; according to some historians, Julius Caesar and Napoleon. Resembles: The rain-delay tarp at Wimbledon. Fashion statement: Play the hand you're dealt. Love the one you're with. Dance with the partner that brought you. Besides, Propecia is for pansies. Practical value: Can function as makeshift scarf/earmuffs if flipped in opposite direction. For best results: Flip down welding mask, B.A. Baracus-style, before going to work. Possible complications: Middle East instability leads to worldwide oil shortage. Which leads to plastic rationing. Which leads to pocket comb scarcity. Which leaves you SOL.
	Ronaldo Brazilian futbol star Reader comment: "Disappointed not to see.... Ronaldo's frontal skull cap from the Soccer World Cup, described as a merkin in some arenas (a merkin, for what it's worth, is an Elizabethan pubic wig.)" -- ScottMcCartney Style: A reverse Brazilian bikini wax. On the forehead. Status: Inactive. Inspired by: A lost bet, apparently. Fellow travelers: Marine Corps recruits, halfway through their pre-boot camp haircuts. Resembles: A head wound; a used Q-tip; a remainder of velcro, super-glued to the scalp. Fashion statement: Remember the hair. Forget the meltdown in the 1998 World Cup final. Practical value: Friction provides extra touch on headers. For best results: Cut your own hair. That's what Ronaldo claims he did. Possible complications: Extraterrestrial invaders will mistake your 'do for a crop pattern and attempt to land on your dome.
	Jimmy Johnson Football analyst, former NFL coach Reader comment: "[He] uses more Final Net than Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson of the B-52's combined; there must be a hole in the ozone layer named after him. And what, you may ask, is the result of all this primping? A hairstyle that would embarrass anyone but hard-core George Jones fans." -- Stephen Gallivan Style: Industrial-strength spray job. Status: Active. Inspired by: Jones, Armor All, medieval battle helmets, Beelzebub. Fellow travelers: Politicians; local news anchors and weathermen; NHL referee Kerry Frazer. Resembles: The jutting, steel-gray flight deck of the U.S.S. Harry Truman, the nation's newest and largest aircraft carrier. Fashion statement: Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste. Practical value: Impervious to rain, snow and low-grade nuclear blasts. For best results: Mix one part hairspray with two parts epoxy glue; apply liberally. Possible complications: Keep a safe distance from open flames. Like, say, 500 feet.

Patrick Hruby is a sportswriter for the Washington Times. You can reach him at phrub@yahoo.com.