ESPN.com - Tale of the Tape: Yanks vs. Hogs

ESPN.com: Page 2

Thursday, July 24, 2003
Tale of the Tape: Yanks vs. Hogs

By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

"Four young men experiment with internal combustion in a tiny wooden shed &"

Rookie hazing, circa the Murderers Row era?

Try the official Harley Davidson website -- more specifically, an article on the birth of a combustible American institution which proudly celebrates it's 100th anniversary this year.

Of course, you can also describe the Yankees as 100 year old and highly combustible. And as far American institutions go, what's more patriotic than celebrating the chompin' wieners in the house that Ruth built? Nothing & unless your chompin' road kill jerky and ripping down the freeway astride American steel. The New York Yankees and Harley Davidson, 100 years young. It's about time we see how they stack up in the Tale of the Tape &

New York Yankees vs. Harley Davidson
Category	New York Yankees	Harley Davidson	Advantage
How to get your wife involved:	"So that's Derek Jeter &"	"Wow, this seat is purring like a jungle cat &"	Harley
We have them to thank for:	The luxury tax	Fat guys wearing black leather chaps	Yankees
Babes:	The greatest Yankee of all	The kind of gal you meet, marry and divorce, all in one day at the Sturgis Rally	Harley
H.O.G.:	David Wells	A registered trademark	Harley
Everyone is sick of seeing:	Buying your best free agents up and batting them eighth	Driving the lane divider to creep past you at a red light	Yankees
Proof that you can never have enough:	Pitching	Thunder between your legs	Harley
Sad:	Mattingly retires one year before a championship	A biker gang consisting of six middle-aged couples	Yankees
Cautionary tales:	Ed Whitson	Gary Busey	Yankees
Saddle bags:	Don Zimmer's jowls	Where you keep your gun	Yankees
Acts of treason:	Matsui riding a Suzuki	Mixing a Yankee cap with a confederate flag vest	Push
Uh-oh:	Steinbrenner just hacked into Torre's Blackberry	You just ate a bug at 90 MPH	Harley
Yes!:	Gouging cable subscribers since 2002	Paying stock dividends for over a decade	Harley
Could end the ride:	Revenue sharing	Oil cartels	Push
Expensive rivals that can't compete:	The Mets	The Segway	Push
Guzzlers:	The Mick	The Fatboy	Yankees
Happiness is ... :	A $300 million payroll	A warm 'taint	Hmmm, let's move on, shall we?
Possible side effects:	Dynastic numbness	Gravel pants	Yankees
A great excuse to sell ... :	Beer	Skin grafts	Yankees
Still trying to live down ... :	"Ball Four"	Men in bandanas, or, as I like to call them, "mandanas"	Yankees
Don't judge them all by:	Joe Pepitone at Sing Sing	The Hell's Angels at Altamont	Harley
100 years ago:	The Bronx was a nice neighborhood	Your head was your helmet	Yankees
Looking into the crystal ball:	"Ladies and gentlemen, your New Jersey Yankees!"	Autosuck technology linked to highway "mishaps"	Harley -- what a way to go.

So there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a centennial squeaker, the advantage goes to the Yankees, and a 200th anniversary rematch looks even less competitive: Harley will be too busy scrambling to find a new fuel source. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you: The numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.