Thursday, August 7, 2003
Updated: August 20, 4:56 PM ET
Colin Quinn
Page 2 Staff
You think Colin Quinn needs a tough crowd, wait until you hear what he has to say one-on-one.
Page 2's Eric Neel caught up with Quinn, the host of Comedy Central's "Tough Crowd," to get down and dirty with questions that ranged from sports to comedy to taboos. Somehow, those segues are easy for Quinn, who isn't afraid to tackle racial issues, personal issues, or any other issue for that matter.
1. In the wake of the plagiarism scandal, the New York Times' executive
editor job recently became avaliable. If you filled the post, how would things at
the Times be different?
Quinn: There would be less false compassion. And people wouldn't be called "Mr." in
every stupid story. You could commit double-rape, triple-murder and they
call you "Mr. Jones," you know what I mean?
2. In other news, Martha Stewart recently decided to resign her post as CEO of
Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Incorporated.
Quinn: My whole thing with Martha is this: She had to step down because her broker
told her to sell because the stock's going to go under. I thought that's
what a broker was supposed to do. What the hell is the point of one if they
don't do that?!
|  |
| Martha Stewart is on the out, so there had to be a question about her. |
So are you leading the Free Martha campaign now?
Quinn: No, it's more of the Clarify Campaign.
Speaking of powerful women, have you heard that that E Network plans to do a
Hillary Clinton movie?
Quinn: Oh, that's beautiful. I see Darrell Hammond as Bill, of course. For Hillary,
you've got to have somebody who has a certain kind of intelligence combined
with the sincerity of a lapdancer.
Are you saying you're going up for the role?
Quinn: (Laughs) Nah, I lack the necessary deadpan delivery of a cold, eastern
European stripper
3. Throw us a bone -- tell us something scandalous from behind the scenes at
"Saturday Night Live."
Quinn: The saddest part of our crew is that we were scandal-free. When I was there,
it was the most middle-of-the-road crew. There was no decadence. We always
complained to each other about it, but nobody would do anything about it.
I'm sorry.
If you could invite any three people from throughout history to dinner
tonight at your house, who would you have?
Quinn: I'd have the guy, John Kennedy Toole, who wrote "A Confederacy of Dunces,"
which is like the funniest book I've ever read (and he killed himself),
probably Shakespeare, and of course, even though people are going to think
it's a George Bush answer, I'd probably invite Jesus Christ. Why not? It's
just dinner. Wed have pizza. You want to talk about purity? Pizza,
hamburgers, french fries and cokes are the purest, most unbelievably perfect
things in the world. Sometimes I just marvel, I just sit there and think,
Holy s---! French fries! You know, there are people making money off of
computer things they put on the stock market, some little b.s. computer
chip, but the guy who invented pizza, the guy who invented french fries,
they get nothing, and yet they make millions of people all over the world
from ages two to 70 smile and laugh every day.
|  |
| To Quinn, Sammy wasn't criticized as much as he should've been for the corked bat incident. |
4. What's your take on the Sosa corked bat thing?
Quinn: It's affected the whole Dominican community. I knew there was going to be
trouble with that kind of stuff: One time I went up there to Washington
Heights, and I bought some fake crack, and when I went back to complain, they
chased me with corked baseball bats.
You know, Pedro Martinez and Jose Canseco both recently said that there was
racism involved in the media's response to Sammy.
Quinn: Guess what, if it was a white guy, the whole country would be against him,
so who the hell are they kidding? I say it's just the opposite: If it was a white guy, the whole
country would have turned on him. But now, people are walking on egg shells
(with Sammy).
5. Your Comedy Central show is called "The Tough Crowd." How tough are you?
Quinn: I'm sure I can be broken down like everybody else.
What's the toughest thing you've ever done?
Quinn: The toughest thing I ever did was get chased out of upstate New York, with
bats, and then actually come back a few months later.
Did you bring your own bat?
Quinn: No, I just brought a smile and a peace pipe.
Let's say I can either grant you an Emmy for your new show and make it
widely popular, or I can tell you that you're going to have a hard-core,
loyal, but pretty small audience that really gets what you're doing. Which
would you want?
|  |
| Similar to the Hulkster, Colin Quinn would rather cater to loyal and hard core fans of his show, "Tough Crowd." |
Quinn: The hard-core, loyal, small audience. No question. First of all, Emmys annoy
me. The fact that everybody acts like they mean anything -- the Oscars,
maybe, but the Emmys? Ah, shut up. I could care less if I got nominated or
won one.
That almost guarantees you'll win one, you know.
Quinn: You're right. But that kind of stuff -- all you have to do is look at past
winners and you just groan. This country is hellbent on lulling ourselves to
sleep. Why not just get a giant cradle?
I see a skit coming.
Quinn: I like that.
6. Where is the line on your show? What's taboo?
Quinn: I was hoping the line would be talking about me, but the guests slam me
every chance they get, those f---ers. And I have to say, 80 percent of
the time, they're right. I deserve all of what I get and more. Washed up,
last chance, skinny legs, it's all true.
Is this show the last chance for you?
Quinn: Oh yes. Even I'm sick of me at this point. This is it for me. I can't do
this any more.
If you weren't
a comedian, what would you do?
Quinn: I've always been able to bartend. I guess I could do one of those
take-a-picture-with-former-SNL-cast-member things. I'd charge four dollars.
Most people would charge five, but with me, four sounds like nothing.
It's a bargain. Every time they take a picture, you just lean in and say,
"you just saved a buck."
Quinn: (laughs) Exactly.
Do you ever worry about going too far on the show?
Quinn: No. Look, everybody is so brainwashed. This society is so politically
correct today, you can't help but go too far, unless you want to be totally
sincere, which ends up sounding phony.
I'm not telling people how to feel
about race, for example: I'm just talking about how I feel, and if you don't
like it, too bad. The whole point of this country is supposed to be free
speech, but you know, everyone wants to celebrate diversity as long as you
don't point out people are different, you know. I was raised in a very
inter-racial area and when we were kids, we'd say whatever we wanted. I just
don't believe in the sanctity of any group.
|  |
| Pedro Martinez thinks race played a role in the media attention paid to Sammy Sosa's corked bat. |
7. What are the taboos in the world of sports?
Quinn: Racial things. The fact that Pedro Martinez and Canseco had the (guts) to say
the Sammy thing was racially motivated gives you an idea how far the
political correctness thing has gone. I don't think discussion about it is bad,
but it's almost like you can hear all the white people in America just
folding their hands and waiting for the accusation to die down rather than
really talking about it. Let's be in there, what the hell. That's the fun of
life, you know?
8. Is fear a factor for you as a comedian, even after all these years in the
business?
Quinn: You never want to bomb and it's always a possibility that you will bomb.
That's part of the drama of comedy. You need the tension and release. I deal
it with by being overprepared. I'm so afraid of not giving people their
money's worth, I write stuff like crazy. They're getting everything I got.
I'm not going up there half-assed.
Last line of the night -- would you rather make somebody laugh or cringe and
shift in their seats?
Quinn: I'd like 'em to laugh. Lately, I feel like the only people who are really
cringing or shifting in their seats at my shows are a-- holes because I do
so much material on those people, you know, who make everybody else shift
and cringe all day. That goes beyond race or ethnicity. In every group
there are those people. But you have to get a laugh if you're doing comedy. If
you're just getting shifting and cringing, you're probably not as profound
as you think you are. You have to make them shift, cringe and laugh.
That's the art.
9. What's the worst bit of advice you've ever been given, professional or
personal?
Quinn: The people that would say, or give me the perception, that there's somebody
out there who knows what they're doing and you'd better learn from them and
realize that you don't know what you're doing. It's not true. I've spent
years trying to find these people who know what they're doing. They're not
out there.
How is doing stand-up better than "real" life?
Quinn: In so many ways. It's better because in stand-up, when some idiot says
something and you slam them, the whole crowd is on your side, and even that
person, even if they're 6' 10", 350 pounds, has to go along with it, whereas
in real life they'd just kick you're a--.
Is it hard for you to ever be serious about anything?
Quinn: I think stand-ups are serious about everything. I think that's what's funny.
On some level, they're so serious, you have to laugh. There's a certain
amount of quiet desperation in it. That's part of the humor. I'm serious
about everything, except myself, because I know I'm capable of the same dumb
things everyone else is.
10. Tell me something you'd like to bury and forget
Quinn: There are so many, and they're not buried, they're all right in public. It's
like having nude pictures out there if you're a woman. My stellar work in
"Night at the Roxbury" -- they've killed me for that many times. They blame
me for "Celtic Pride," even though it was re-written 20 times and there
wasn't one line left in my original script when they were done with it. Um,
they get me for the "Back to Brooklyn" thing.
Do you look at that stuff and think about what you'd do differently now?
|  |
| Quinn admires the way Jason Kidd (left) runs the point. |
Quinn: I look at all of them. I look at my whole life!
Tell me something about you that would most surprise people who watch you on
television.
Quinn: That I don't drink.
If you weren't you, who would you most want to be?
Quinn: Jason Kidd. To be a master of assists, to be that small and get that many
rebounds, it would just be so cool. It was always my dream when I was
little, you know, I'd imagine myself at Fordham University coming down court
with the ball, handling it, and waving my hand in the air like I'm calling
some stupid play -- that would be cool.
Who plays you in the Colin Quinn Story?
Quinn: I'm trying to think of someone with my voice.
Abe Vigoda?
Quinn: Oh, that really hurts. Abe Vigoda story: I was once staying at this
semi-rooming house, semi-hotel a few years ago -- I thought it was kind of
nice. Abe Vigoda pulls up to check in, takes one look at the place and
drives off. That gives you an idea of the kind of class that I have. I'm
comfortable, but Abe Vigoda won't lower himself to my level.
