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Tuesday, September 23, 2003
A metrosexual strikes back

By Mike Greenberg
Special to Page 2

Editor's Note: After reading Stacey Pressman's rant against the metrosexual male on Monday, ESPN's Mike Greenberg felt that he must strike back in defense of metros everywhere. If you're not sure which side of the debate you're on, you might want to take Page 2's metrosexual quiz.

Mike Greenberg
Mike Greenberg has the best hair of all SportsCenter anchors, just ask him.
Stacey, why are you working for ESPN? Women don't know anything about sports. Shouldn't you be making dinner for some burly stud who will soon be returning home after a busy day of earning money to feed and clothe you and your offspring?

Oh, I'm sorry. Is that a dated, closed-minded, gender-defining way to look at life?

Just wanted to make you feel comfortable.

Let's dissect the given definition of metrosexual, shall we? This is the definition you borrowed from British writer Mark Simpson:

"The typical metrosexual is a young man with money to spend, living in or within easy reach of a metropolis -- because that's where all the best shops, clubs, gyms and hairdressers are. He might be officially gay, straight or bisexual, but this is utterly immaterial because he has clearly taken himself as his own love object and pleasure as his sexual preference. Particular professions, such as modeling, waiting tables, media, pop music and, nowadays, sport, seem to attract them but, truth be told, like male vanity products and herpes, they're pretty much everywhere."

Now, exactly which portions of this are negative?

Golic and Greenberg
Greeny, left, clearly uses more moisturizer than ESPN Radio partner Mike Golic.
"Money to spend ..."

Absolutely. There's nothing that scares away women faster than a guy with a Benz.

"Living in or near a metropolis ..."

Whatever.

"... best shops, gyms, clubs and hairdressers."

Metropoli, in my experience, have also been known to feature hardware stores, fast-food restaurants, and those dingy, seedy bars that "real" men like to drink in.

"... has clearly taken himself as his own love object."

More on metrosexuals
Still trying to figure out this whole metrosexual trend? Check out these links:

  • Greenberg and Golic go at it on the radio  
  • Pressman: Girly men
  • Metros photo gallery
  • Non-metros photo gallery
  • Mike & Mike on metros
  • Test: Are you a metro?
  • Hey. Don't knock my hobbies. And this one goes for every man. Gay or straight, manly or pretty, black or white. And if they tell you otherwise, THEY ARE LYING.

    "Herpes."

    Please. I would bet every cent I have that the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases is 100-percent higher among truck drivers than it is among us pretty boys in "media."

    In your column, you ask the question: What's wrong with the good old-fashioned manly man?

    Nothing.

    Just as there is nothing wrong with women who like football and the smell of gasoline. But I don't know many of my friends who want to date one.

    There is also nothing wrong with a guy in wrinkled khakis. But you should know that in addition to "I'm not so perfect," those wrinkled khakis also signify, "I don't own an iron."

    I would offer three pieces of advice to women everywhere, on behalf of all my metrosexual brethren:

    1. If you are threatened because your man pays as much attention to his own appearance as he does to yours, that says more about you than it does about him.

    2. If you are worried that your man might be prettier than you are, he probably is.

    3. Next time you are sitting across from him at Taco Bell, watching him wipe sauce from his chin with his T-shirt, don't come crying to us.

    Mike Greenberg, who co-hosts ESPN Radio's Morning Show and frequently anchors SportsCenter, spent $180 on last week's haircut.