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Dep. Chief of Staff JOSHUA LYMAN: You would think after an assassination attempt, disclosure of a serious illness, possible impeachment, the near murder of his daughter and the resignation of his vice president -- all in five years -- he would have passed up the opportunity to go on "Political Survivor" for a month. I mean, sure, he can outwit, outlast and outplay Yassir Arafat, Tony Blair and Pervez Musharraf, but does he think he really has a chance in the physical challenges against Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Communications Director TOBY ZIEGLER: Can we please focus on the transition of power? Who are we looking at here?
Press Secretary C.J. CRAIG: Well, the Speaker already got a turn, the President Pro Tempore of the Senate was indicted last week, the First Lady has something against the Secretary of Agriculture ... no way, not her, hmm, definitely not him ... it appears the new leader of the free world is the new spokeswoman for the President's Council on Physical Fitness, Anna Kournikova.
LYMAN: She's not even an America citizen! Besides, how will she win the next election if she can't win a tennis tournament.
BAILEY: Quiet, it's sweeps.
KOURNIKOVA: Someone get me INS on the phone. Spill all the details of our relationship, will he? We'll see what Sergei has to say about things while he's sitting on the deck of an oil tanker headed for Vladivostok. And throw Pavel on there while you're at it. Lord knows the Rangers won't miss him.
Graham Hays is a regular contributor to Page 2. He also writes "Out of the Box," the inside scoop on yesterday's box scores for ESPN Fantasy Games.