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Thursday, November 6, 2003
How old are you now?

By Jim Caple
Page 2 columnist

So Page 2 celebrates its third birthday today: Nov. 6, 2003.

We're going to party -- and just like in 2002 and 2001, we've got a big cake and visions of Anna Kournikova dancing in our heads.

But you might be tired of self-congratulatory, self-conscious and pretentious birthday salutes. Don't worry. If you read these anniversary selections from Page 2's future, you'll never have to read another from us, ever again.

NOV. 6, 2013: PAGE 2 TURNS 13
By Eric Neel
Page 2 columnist

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
Recall? We remember when Uncle Jesse was cool and wasn't doing phone commercials.
We Californians spend much of our lives as disconnected masses, but there are moments when the senses are especially acute and we truly become one karmic whole: When we warm ourselves in the rosy glow of the Yosemite fires each evening. When we join in the office pools as each year's recall election kicks off. And when a game transcends mere sports and becomes a night of theater capable of uniting an entire state as if we all were sitting in the Hollywood Bowl on a warm summer night sipping a fine Napa Valley chardonnay while listening to Lyle Lovett and his Large Band.

Such was Kobe Bryant's long-awaited return to the Lakers last night, a return so eagerly anticipated that the velvet rope seemed to stretch from Los Angeles to Del Norte. All the familiar faces were there, Jack and Diane, Keanu and Charlize, and of course, our new co-governors, Mary-Kate and Ashley.

And Kobe did not disappoint, pumping in 40 points with 11 boards in a sublime performance. Despite eight years of imprisonment, Kobe showed that he still was THE MAN, complaining to reporters that he was disappointed the Lakers hadn't worked him into their offense more often while he was in the Big House ...

NOV. 6, 2023: PAGE 2 TURNS 23
By Bill Simmons
Page 2 columnist

Serving as one of the President's speechwriters is an honor and a privilege, but I have two major complaints. One, the President always cuts my references to Mr. Miyogi; and two, the frantic schedule plays hell with my fantasy football team.

Like last August when we attacked Syria the same night as the White House's annual draft. So instead of concentrating on the draft, I had to work on a speech outlining our reasons for bombing Damascus. I did a quick list of the top 200 players and then turned the draft over to my partner, Condoleeza. Everyone in the Cabinet assured me she really knew her football; but let's just say that if she really knew foreign policy like she really knows football, we'd have troops landing on the beaches of New Zealand this very moment. Needless to say, we're a combined 2-8 ...

On the Unintentional Comedy Rating scale, I would give a 78 to when the President announces a major new policy in a primetime speech and Vice-President Affleck storms into the office with that Troy Aikman face and demands to know why he wasn't consulted during the decision-making process. Cracks me up every time ...

Bill Simmons is a regular contributor to Page 2 and a speechwriter for the President of the United States as well as the Jimmy Kimmel Show.

NOV. 6, 2033: PAGE 2 TURNS 33
By Stacey Pressman
Special to Page 2

I had pretty much given up but I finally met a man who was intelligent, funny, knowledgeable about both sports and politics and secure enough with his manhood that he isn't threatened by a woman who shares his interests.

The only problem is that Rush Limbaugh says his treatment for drug addiction prevents him from taking any prescription drugs at all, including Viagra ...

Jar Jar Binks
The Galactic world will never be the same.
NOV. 6, 2043: PAGE 2 TURNS 43
THE DAILY QUICKIE

IF YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO READ THE FULL QUICKIE ...

TODAY'S THREE HOTTEST STORIES

1. Pete Rose finally eligible for the Hall? Don't bet on it.

2. Star Wars IX opens today. And Jar-Jar Binks better be dead this time.

3. Is it time for a college football playoff?

NOV. 6, 2053: PAGE 2 TURNS 53
By Jim Caple
ESPN.com senior writer

Don't you just hate the Yankees? I sure do. They really irritate me. They won the World Series again and that just ruined the season for me. I mean, it's like they always win. I hate that. Don't you? I think everybody does.

Why don't they ever let someone else win once in while? Like the Giants or the Twins or the Red Sox or the Cubs or better yet, the Mariners? But they never do. The Yankees always win. I hate that.

Damn Yankees. I really hate them ...

NOV. 6, 2063: PAGE 2 TURNS 63
EDITOR'S NOTE: Our tour of the NBA's best luxury suites continues with the LeBron James Suite in Cleveland ...

It isn't the 18-carat gold leaf that covers the suite's seven walls. It isn't the 14-person posse that comes standard with a night in the suite. It isn't the taps that pour only Cristal champagne.

What makes this suite worth the $10 million per-season fee are the 12 Hooter's girls in the Jacuzzi who have been kept away from men for the past six months ...

NOV. 6, 2073: PAGE 2 TURNS 73
ANNA IN HER UNDERWEAR!

Click here for Page 2's advance photos of Anna Kournikova in her latest commercial for Depends ...

NOV. 6, 2083: PAGE 2 TURNS 83
Steffi Graf and Jaden Gil
The Agassi-Graf line will rule tennis for generations to come.
TEN BURNING QUESTIONS WITH JADEN-GIL AGASSI-GRAF III

1. Which superpower would you most like to have, the strength of 100 men, the ability to fly or the ability to turn invisible?

Those are superpowers? What the hell are you talking about? Everyone can do those things now.

Oh yeah, that's right. Never mind. We're getting forgetful in our old age.

NOV. 6, 2093: PAGE 2 TURNS 93
THE LIST

Some nicknames give you goosebumps so large it looks like you're on steroids. And then there are the others, including our list of the best nicknames on the Pro Bowlers Tour.

10. Gorgeous Seymour

9. The Sultan of Sweat

8. The Pride of Sandusky

7. 16-Pound Balls O'Reilly

(GET THE FULL LIST ... )

NOV. 6, 2103: PAGE 2 TURNS 103
By Bill Simmons III
Page 2 columnist

The chief regret of my father and of my grandfather and of my great-grandfather is that they didn't live long enough to see their beloved Red Sox win the World Series, and I fear it will be lasting regret as well. The Sox were just 25 outs from reaching the World Series last night, the most explosive sports day in Boston history, when their manager (I refuse to speak or write his name ever again) stayed with starting pitcher Manny Martinez for the entire first inning. Martinez is one of the game's best-known workhorses but he hadn't thrown more than 24 pitches the entire season and clearly was tiring.

The Red Sox should have brought in their Second-Out Specialist, but instead they wound up losing again and I spent the night phoning everyone I'm related to or have ever met, plus just some random numbers I picked out of the Boston phone book, so we could share our collective grievance as Boston sports fans. The combined 38 titles of the Celtics, Bruins and Patriots notwithstanding, no city's fans have ever suffered more or longer than we have in Boston ...