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| Recall? We remember when Uncle Jesse was cool and wasn't doing phone commercials. |
Serving as one of the President's speechwriters is an honor and a privilege, but I have two major complaints. One, the President always cuts my references to Mr. Miyogi; and two, the frantic schedule plays hell with my fantasy football team.
Like last August when we attacked Syria the same night as the White House's annual draft. So instead of concentrating on the draft, I had to work on a speech outlining our reasons for bombing Damascus. I did a quick list of the top 200 players and then turned the draft over to my partner, Condoleeza. Everyone in the Cabinet assured me she really knew her football; but let's just say that if she really knew foreign policy like she really knows football, we'd have troops landing on the beaches of New Zealand this very moment. Needless to say, we're a combined 2-8 ... On the Unintentional Comedy Rating scale, I would give a 78 to when the President announces a major new policy in a primetime speech and Vice-President Affleck storms into the office with that Troy Aikman face and demands to know why he wasn't consulted during the decision-making process. Cracks me up every time ...Bill Simmons is a regular contributor to Page 2 and a speechwriter for the President of the United States as well as the Jimmy Kimmel Show.
NOV. 6, 2033: PAGE 2 TURNS 33I had pretty much given up but I finally met a man who was intelligent, funny, knowledgeable about both sports and politics and secure enough with his manhood that he isn't threatened by a woman who shares his interests.
The only problem is that Rush Limbaugh says his treatment for drug addiction prevents him from taking any prescription drugs at all, including Viagra ...
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| The Galactic world will never be the same. |
NOV. 6, 2053: PAGE 2 TURNS 53
Don't you just hate the Yankees? I sure do. They really irritate me. They won the World Series again and that just ruined the season for me. I mean, it's like they always win. I hate that. Don't you? I think everybody does.
Why don't they ever let someone else win once in while? Like the Giants or the Twins or the Red Sox or the Cubs or better yet, the Mariners? But they never do. The Yankees always win. I hate that. Damn Yankees. I really hate them ... NOV. 6, 2063: PAGE 2 TURNS 63NOV. 6, 2083: PAGE 2 TURNS 83
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| The Agassi-Graf line will rule tennis for generations to come. |
The chief regret of my father and of my grandfather and of my great-grandfather is that they didn't live long enough to see their beloved Red Sox win the World Series, and I fear it will be lasting regret as well. The Sox were just 25 outs from reaching the World Series last night, the most explosive sports day in Boston history, when their manager (I refuse to speak or write his name ever again) stayed with starting pitcher Manny Martinez for the entire first inning. Martinez is one of the game's best-known workhorses but he hadn't thrown more than 24 pitches the entire season and clearly was tiring.
The Red Sox should have brought in their Second-Out Specialist, but instead they wound up losing again and I spent the night phoning everyone I'm related to or have ever met, plus just some random numbers I picked out of the Boston phone book, so we could share our collective grievance as Boston sports fans. The combined 38 titles of the Celtics, Bruins and Patriots notwithstanding, no city's fans have ever suffered more or longer than we have in Boston ...