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ESPN.com: Page 2

Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Words to taunt by

By Eric Neel
Page 2 columnist

As you know if you're a regular reader, we here at Page 2 chase down the news every day like a pack of wild dogs that won't be satisfied.

But sometimes, tracking things isn't enough for us. Sometimes, we want to chart the course a bit. This is one of those times.

Warren Sapp
Good luck trying to kick Warren Sapp's butt.
We've been outraged at the recent pathetic attempts at taunting, namely the "Carolina Prowler" -- the Panthers fan who taunted Simeon Rice and Warren Sapp of the visiting Bucs -- and Cincinnati's Chad Johnson, who guaranteed a victory over the undefeated Chiefs.

"We're going to kick your butt?" This is the best the Prowler could do? Guaranteeing a victory? This is taunting? This is a throwdown?

Pathetic.

Anyway, to be certain we never have to hear such sad stories again, we figured we'd get a little taunting list rolling, something to get the rowdies shouting out in stadiums this weekend to be thinking a little more creatively. Our list isn't the be-all-and-end-all; it's just a kick-off point, a conversation starter. We hope you'll take it from here.

(And by the way, each of these taunts begins with a "Yo," ends with "ya bums!" and is delivered, like Jack Black playing air guitar, at full throttle.)

The Oklahoman: Sorry, we can't help ourselves.

The Donavon McNabb (known in some quarters as the 'Rush'; and in others as the 'Kool Moe Dee'): How ya' like me now?

Paris Hilton
Just make sure the camera's rolling when you use the Paris Hilton taunt.
The Ashton Kutcher: Who you goin' home with?

The Britney Spears: Can't touch this.

The Paris Hilton: (Sorry, this one's for our premium members. It can be yours in exchange for 16 digits and an expiration date from a major credit card. And rest assured, we promise full confidentiality.)

The Queer-Eye-For-The-Straight-Guy: Those pants with that top? Please.

The old school: Yo mama so ugly her shadow quit.

The new school: You sorry fo shizzle.

The Roman: Et Tu, Brute?

The Greek: I am the Rain God, the Cloud Gatherer. I wield the Terrible Thunderbolt. I am the God of Justice and Mercy, the Protector of the Weak and the Punisher of the Wicked. Kneel before me.

The Great and Powerful Oz: Do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful Oz.

The Greatest: If you even dream of beating me, you better wake up and apologize.

The thing my friend Helen once said while dogging out a ref at a basketball game in Iowa that I've never quite understood but always kind of liked: How can you sleep with yourself?!

The word that once made my friend Steve, an otherwise kind and gentle man, throw a guy to the pavement in a friendly game of 3-on-3: Punk!

The Every Girl You Ever Went Out With: Not tonight, baby.

The Every Girl You Never Went Out With: Keep walking, Sport-o.

The Classic (courtesy of our man Willy the Shakes and a little play called "MacBeth"): You should be women and yet your beards forbid me to interpret that you are so.

The Reel Classic (think Bobby D and Joe P): Come on, hit me! Harder! Harder!

The Good Will Hunting: You like apples? How ya' like them apples?!

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Arnold has been pointed out for his influence in the introduction of steroids in professional sports.
The Roxanne: Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?

The Cali Citizen: Let's go -- my governor and your governor in a cage match.

The Citizen of every state, city, hamlet and unincorporated gathering of mobile homes outside of Cali: You proud of that?

The Edison (as in Thomas Alva): Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

The Emeril: Bam!

The Randy Moss: All day.

The anti-filibuster filibuster: All day and into the night.

The Raider Nation: Make no mistake, I will reach inside your chest, pull out your beating heart, hold it before your eyes and wring it like a sponge until every last beat and drop of blood in it lies in a pool at your lifeless feet.

(This isn't so much a taunt as a pledge, really, and it's better whispered, the way Hannibal hissed at Clarice, than shouted. And we know what you're thinking: Yes, this kind of thing usually is proprietary. But let's be honest, there isn't much call for it in Oakland any more this year.)

The Prozac Nation: This is just so nice, to be here in the sun, with all the pretty colors and flashing lights ...

(This isn't so much a taunt as a sly little soften-'em-up move. Say it with a faraway look in your eye. Spread your arms wide for a hug. It freaks folks out.)

The if it ain't broke don't fix it: Scoreboard, baby. Scoreboard.

The doesn't quite make sense for football but it's just so catchy: Aaaaaaiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrr Baaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllll!

The Mark Prior: Prepare to meet Mr. Snappy.

The Richard Pryor: We bad, we bad.

The Haley Joel: I see dead people.

The Billy Joel: Sing us a song, Mr. Piano Man.

The vegetarian: Mix in a salad.

The Jack LaLanne: Sit-ups!

The King of Pop: You ain't bad, you ain't nothin'!

The Man in Black: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die -- what you think I'm gonna do to you?

Eric Neel is a regular columnist for Page 2.


	Just make sure the camera's rolling when you use the Paris Hilton taunt.


	Arnold has been pointed out for his influence in the introduction of steroids in professional sports.