ESPN.com - The "Frasier" finale

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Wednesday, January 14, 2004
The "Frasier" finale

By Jim Caple
Page 2 columnist

After 11 seasons and five Emmy awards for outstanding comedy series, "Frasier" is going to the big radio station in the sky this spring -- the producers announced this week that this season will be the show's last. How will the good doctor go off the air? Page 2's spies got their hands on the script for the final episode ...

(Scene 1 -- The Radio Station. FRASIER is on the air.)


	The cast of "Frasier" will say goodbye after 11 years on NBC.

FRASIER: You're listening to Dr. Frasier Crane on Seattle AM 780. Let's go to our first caller, Slick Rick at the University of Washington.

RICK: Dr. Crane, I really blew it. I had a great, high-profile, well-paying job in the sport I loved. I had the loyal support of the community, the opportunity to teach young adults and an all-expenses-paid trip to a bowl game every year. I was at the very top of the coaching profession and then I went and threw it all away by running a high-stakes NCAA tournament pool in clear violation of the rules.

FRASIER: Well, Rick, the good news is you're not alone. Gambling has ruined the careers of many, many successful people who have been able to learn from their mistakes, move on and become even more successful than before. Gambling is an addiction and a sickness, just like alcoholism. You should be proud that you've taken the crucial first step and admitted you have a problem.

RICK: Oh, I'm not the one with the problem, Dr. Crane. You are.

FRASIER: How so?

RICK: You still owe me eight large from your share of the pool. And it's been 10 months, you deadbeat.

FRASIER: (Nervously) I'm afraid we have a bad connection, Rick -- I'll have to go to our next caller.

RICK: I know where you work, ---hole.

(FRASIER quickly hangs up the phone and glares at ROZ, who has just returned to the station as his producer.)

FRASIER: It's great to have you back, Roz. But don't you remember you're supposed to screen these calls so people like him don't get on the air?

ROZ: I did. And you're lucky I didn't put through the call from Mike Price. He says you still owe money to Destiny and the other strippers from Arety's Angels and the hotel room.

FRASIER: Yes, well, I can explain that. I was on a station junket and I went to see Noel Coward's "Private Lives" and, well, one thing led to another.

(Fade out.)
(Scene 2 -- Frasier's Apartment. MARTIN and NILES are sitting in the living room as FRASIER walks in.)

MARTIN: Well, you certainly are a popular man today. You had two visitors. One from Boston.

FRASIER: (Panicking) Please, Dad, please -- tell me Lilith wasn't one of them.

MARTIN: No, it was some guy from the IRS about a problem with your last five tax returns.

FRASIER: Thank God, what a relief! So, who was the person from Boston?

MARTIN: Why don't you see for yourself? He's still here.

(SAM MALONE walks in from the bathroom.)

FRASIER: Sam, what a pleasant surprise. What brings you to Seattle?

SAM: A 747 with a bathroom that isn't nearly big enough for two people. But I'm here to talk to the Mariners about a job.

MARTIN: I thought Seattle's pitching coach was Bryan Price.


	Sam would be stunned if he didn't make the Mariners.

SAM: He is. But I'm talking to the Mariners about making a comeback as a pitcher. What do you say? Do you think May-Day Malone can help the Mariners out in the bullpen?

MARTIN: After watching you pitch years ago, I don't think you could help the Mariners out of a taxi. I once saw you hit three batters in a row and then give up a grand slam. Only ball ever hit out of that stadium.

NILES: Out of the stadium? I thought the Mariners were playing in the Kingdome back then.

MARTIN: They were.

SAM: I remember that. It was the same night my drinking problem began.

FRASIER: Aren't you a little old for a comeback, Sam? You must be 55 years old.

SAM: Yeah, but I still throw harder than Jamie Moyer.

FRASIER: Well, good luck to you ... and better luck to the Mariners.

SAM: Hey, would you like to watch me try out? It sure would help to have someone there pulling for me. I'll get you all passes for the clubhouse and the field.

MARTIN: Hell, yes. I haven't been on the field since I was providing security at the game where the fan raced onto the field and attacked Mark Langston.

SAM: I don't think that was a fan. I think it was Dick Williams.

FRASIER: You can count on us -- it would be an honor to watch your tryout. But tell me, Sam. What is everyone up to at Cheers? How is Norm?

SAM: I'm afraid Norm is no longer with us.

FRASIER: Oh, I'm so terribly sorry to hear that. But why didn't anyone tell me he died?

SAM: Oh, he didn't die. He's just not with us anymore. He's out trying to hunt down Grady Little.

FRASIER: Isn't he a little old for autographs?

SAM: He doesn't want his autograph. He wants to poison his meal.

NILES: Sounds like dinner with Maris.

(Fade out.)
(Scene 3 -- The Radio Station. FRASIER is on the air.)

FRASIER: Who's our next caller, Roz?

ROZ: Howard from Starbucks.

FRASIER: How may I help, Howard?

HOWARD: Dr. Crane, I want your opinion. I'm a globally successful entrepreneur who recently expanded his marketing reach by purchasing a professional basketball team. We've made a number of moves since that purchase, but the fans just haven't responded. In fact, attendance is lower now than when I bought the team.

ROZ: That's because you never should have traded Payton, moron.

CRANE: Thank you, Roz, for that helpful piece of psychiatric insight. Are you quoting Jung or Freud on that?

(ROZ sticks out her tongue.)

FRASIER: I'm sorry for the interruption, Howard, but the thing to remember is that success in one business does not necessarily translate into another. The key is to accept that you need help, surround yourself with good, experienced people and then let them do their jobs.

HOWARD: Yeah, well, that's great. But what I want to know is whether you think I should raise the price of coffee at Key Arena by $1 or $1.50?

(Fade out.)
Scene 4 -- The Mariners clubhouse.
(SAM has just finished his tryout and is getting his shoulder iced. FRASIER, MARTIN and NILES wait for him by his locker. Glancing around, Frasier notices ICHIRO in an almost Zen-like state as he prepares himself mentally for the game. FRASIER sidles up to ICHIRO and bows respectfully.)


	Ichiro could be Oakland's worst nightmare this week.

FRASIER: Pardon the interruption, Ichiro-san. I don't follow baseball very closely, but I was very interested to read your comments last fall about how much pressure you were under when you slumped so badly at the end of the season. You said you felt sick to your stomach and short of breath at times.

(Ichiro emerges from his meditation to listen closely to Frasier.)

FRASIER: You know, those are classic symptoms of work-related anxiety, and it's perfectly understandable that you feel them. You're one of the most famous athletes in the world. You play in a foreign country and a very foreign culture, where you are forced to learn a new language and a new league. Not only do the team and the city depend on you for a large share of their success and identity, everyone in Japan is watching your every move, depending on you to represent the country honorably. The pitchers are throwing 95-mile-per-hour fastballs and nasty sliders; and yet if you strike out, or make a single mistake, everyone in Japan feels you've let them down. That must be a terrible burden. I wouldn't be able to handle that type of pressure. I'm surprised that you don't have an ulcer the size of a sumo wrestler.

(By this point, sweat has begun dripping down ICHIRO'S face. He scratches his head and is alarmed to see that a clump of hair has fallen out. Panicked, he gets up to take the field for extra batting practice and trips on his shoelaces, crashing into a stack of bats. He limps out of the clubhouse.)

NILES: Very impressive, Frasier. Is that the same approach you tried with Jeff Cirillo?

MARTIN: Do me a favor, son. Stay away from Bret Boone.

(SAM returns to his locker and begins dressing.)

FRASIER: Well? How did it go? Did you make the team?

SAM: Afraid not. I hoped being sober would help my control, but I guess not.

FRASIER: What happened?

SAM: Same thing as the last time I pitched in Seattle.

MARTIN: You hit the Moose in the head?

SAM: Three times. Right between the eyes. And the worst part is, he didn't even feel it.

NILES: Sounds like sex with Maris.

(Fade out)
(Scene 5 -- The Radio Station. FRASIER is on the air.)

FRASIER: Well, Seattle. I'm afraid that's just about it, my last show. I've been cancelled to make room for the Mariners pre-pre-pre-game show with your host, Brooklyn Bennie. And speaking of the Mariners, they lost their seventh in a row last night when Ichiro struck out five times, dropped a routine fly ball and got picked off third base in the ninth inning.

(ROZ glares at FRASIER, who holds up his hands in a "It's not my fault" motion.)

FRASIER: Before we go, I think we've got time for one final call. Who's on the line, Roz?

ROZ: Matt from Kirkland.

FRASIER: How can I help you, Matt?


	Matt Hasselbeck may indeed need counseling after what happened in Green Bay.

MATT: Dr. Crane, I'm in a highly visible profession where you have to show leadership and be really confident all the time, but now everyone keeps criticizing me just because I said we would take the football in overtime and that we were going to score. I mean, what was I supposed to say? That we were going to take the ball and then go three-and-out?

ROZ: No dummy, but you weren't supposed to throw the ball right into Al Harris' arms, either.

FRASIER: Roz!

MATT: That wasn't my fault. Alex Bannister ran the wrong route!

FRAZIER: Please, Matt. Ignore her. She got admitted to her psychology program by drawing a cartoon donkey on the back of a comic book. Now then, you shouldn't feel at all guilty for what you said or what happened afterward. Professional sports are very demanding and you need to think positively at all times. In fact, if you would like, I think I can help you with some visualization techniques.

MATT: Do you think I'm nuts? After what you did to Ichiro and Cirillo? For crying out loud, I'm already losing my hair.

FRASIER: Good night, Seattle.

(Fade out and roll credits)

Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com