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Monday, February 2, 2004
Janet Jackson's "special" guest

By Graham Hays
Page 2 staff

It's the question everyone is asking the morning after the Super Bowl.

Janet Jackson
The atmosphere was electric as the crowd anxiously awaits Janet's special guest.
Who is the advertising executive who thought a flatulent horse was a good way to sell beer?

Oops, maybe that's just us. The real talk around the water cooler isn't about the commercials or one of the better games in recent memory, but about Janet Jackson's revealing halftime performance.

So did Janet and Justin Timberlake conspire to grab headlines, or was this simply a case of too little leather and too much cleavage? And just who was the mystery guest MTV kept telling us about?

Picking up the slack for the Houston police department -- who seem strangely uninterested in this bust -- Page 2 has interviewed anyone who might shed some light on the matter.

Kid Rock
Special guest Kid Rock? Sorry, guess again.
Kid Rock: I mean, her and Justin were talking about "hanging out" at the end of the set, but I thought they meant they were going to kick back for a few during the second half. Now that you mention it, when I heard her say she wanted to "get it right," maybe she said, "get the right." Damn, I'm just so conflicted right now. It just doesn't feel right to want to be Justin Timberlake, even for this.

Michael Jackson: I stand behind my sister. Who cares if it was planned? Can't we just let people do what they want to do, without subjecting them to all these rumors and innuendo? If someone wants to show off her breasts in public, what's wrong with that? Or if someone wants to have more plastic surgery than the entire cast of Baywatch and then claim it's a skin condition, what's wrong with that? Can't we just let people be people?

L'il Kim: Trust me, you don't just wear pasties for the heck of it. When I wore that outfit to the Video Music Awards, my nipple was chafed for a good week. She knew what she was doing.

John Fox: "I told them to go for two, but they didn't execute the play properly."

Howard Dean: I'm really not sure about the specific origins of the event in question, but I'd just like to point out that while in Congress, John Kerry never once voted for a bill to ban displays of public nudity at sporting events. But in my state of Vermont, we never once had an instance of nudity at a major sporting event. That's something for the voters of Texas to think about. Wait, where are you going? Please, I need the free publicity.

Britney Spears: It was planned. I just know it. Justin never got over me, and the whole Vegas wedding thing just sent him over the edge. He must have somehow found out what Madonna and I were planning for next week's Grammy Awards and just stole the whole bit. Now we're going to have to go back and find that stupid snake.

Janet Jackson
OK, so it's not's Justin Timberlake. So who's the special guest?
Pam Anderson: Oh, they're real. You don't get that kind of shape when they're fake. Because, you know, the implants just don't have quite the same natural shape. I mean, if you get a good surgeon, he can make it look pretty convincing, but it's never going to look quite natural. Oh sorry, you asked if "it" was real? How would I know? I thought you asked if "they" were real.

Bill Simmons: Sorry, I can't really help you. I was in my seat when it happened, but I was trying to explain to my buddy Sal how a devastating knee injury to Tom Brady would activate the Ewing Theory and send the Patriots on to victory. Then that got us arguing about exactly how many ligaments Daniel should have torn in the Karate Kid when he got his leg swept, so we weren't really paying attention. But I'll give you good odds that it was planned. And did I mention I'm 9-2 against the spread in the playoffs?

Justin Timberlake: The streaker told me to just go with Velcro for my tear-away pants, but we made it too complicated. Honestly, it was supposed to be a tit-for-tat thing. I guess there was just a malfunction.

Marc Roberts (the Streaker): Where is the equality? I get arrested for stripping down to a G-string, and she gets off with nothing but a lot of free publicity for baring her breast? This is just another example of celebrities getting special treatment from the justice system. At least using the referee outfit to get on the field qualifies as an original performance. You didn't hear me singing anything from an album released in 1989.

Carson Kresley: Was it planned? I don't know, but I'll tell you what wasn't planned: Justin's outfit. Come on, Justin. Scruffy is fine for some settings, but this was your stage. Would it have killed you to break out the razor and maybe throw on some clothes that won't be in next month's J. Crew catalog? And while we're at it, would it have killed him to take off his shirt as well? Why let Janet have all the fun?

'Up With People' Spokesman: Did I mention that we're available for next year's halftime show?

Jermaine Jackson: I'd like to ask people to stop from making a rush to judgment on Janet's intentions. The rest of her brothers and sisters stand firmly behind her. And not just because with Michael's mounting legal bills, she's the only one in the family making money. Really, that's entirely beside the point. I'm getting an appearance fee for this, right?

Patriots fans
Fans across the country go wild as Janet reveals her "guest."
Adam Vinatieri: Was what planned? I didn't see the halftime show. Look, I thought you guys wanted to talk to me about kicking a game-winning field goal in the Super Bowl for the second time in three years. No, I'm not one of the guys from Nsync!

So there you have it. The shroud of uncertainty still lingers over a moment that we can only hope makes it into the NFL Films highlight video, but it certainly looks like Janet had a little something up her sleeve -- if not over her chest.

As for the night's mystery guest? Page 2 tried to get in touch with the guest for comment, but Janet was keeping her shirt on this time.

Graham Hays writes "Out of the Box" five days a week in--between moonlighting for Page 2. He can be reached at graham.hays@espn3.com.