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Tuesday, February 3, 2004
Page 2 Quickie: Feb. 2, 2004


 
The Lead Item
Two Words For You:
BREAST.  EVER?

We may never see another one like that again.

I'm talking about the freshly minted Pats dynasty; what are you talking about -- JJ's freshly flashed mammary moment? Wait: You never un-paused the TiVo after the halftime show, did you?

That's right: I said "dynasty." In our current NFL era, winning two titles in three years is more than enough of a qualifier, given the crippling salary restrictions, hyper-media scrutiny and ever-increasing league emphasis on parity.

The Pats have accomplished something a lot more impressive than the 1960s Packers, 1970s Steelers or the 1980s 49ers.

And while I'm tossing around the heresy like Tom Brady tosses clutch passes, the current 15-game winning streak -- adjusted for competitive inflation -- should be put on a pedestal above those '72 Dolphins.

Janet's Show
Sincere or staged? Let's take a 360-degree look, kind of like "Boomtown" (uh, no, I guess that's "Boobtown"):

MTV: Apologizing
Hmm: "Unrehearsed, unplanned, completely unintentional."

CBS: "Regrets incident"
Hmm: "Unlikely" to use MTV again.

NFL: Claiming ignorance
Hmm: "No knowledge it would happen."

Timberlake: "Malfunction"
Hmm: "Not intentional and is regrettable."

Janet Jackson: No statement
Hmm: Silence says it all.

At least that streaker guy seemed to willingly admit he intended to sneak on the field and strip down to a G-string. But he could use some tips from JJ about getting that nudity televised.

MVP/LVP
MVP: You can keep Tom Brady; I'll take Janet Jackson Adam Vinatieri, who rallied from two missed FGs (neither of which will ever be remembered) to hit the 41-yard game-winner when it mattered. He may have just kicked himself into Hall of Fame enshrinement.

LVP: Let's just call it "The Shank." For Super Bowl perpetuity, there can be only one -- and it belongs to Panthers K John Kasay, who managed to botch the kickoff after Carolina's sick game-tying TD drive, leading to the Pats' game-winning FG.

Other losers: The DBs (both teams), neither sets of whom could stop a decent fraternity IM team, let alone Brady or Delhomme.

Extra-special winner: The guy in your office's buy-a-square Super Bowl pool with "Pats 4, Panthers 0" who won both halftime and the third quarter.

The Hoopla
Winners: You already know the feeling about Janet Jackson, who made the Britney/Madonna kiss look small-time ...

Beyonce's Banner was one of the best ever.

Losers: Could Aerosmith's astro-themed intro have been in any worse taste? Particularly considering that Josh Groban tribute to the Columbia disaster came mere minutes after.

Mmm ... Soda/Beer Ads
Winners:
(1) "Ref Tunes Out"
Perfect. Bud Light scores big

(2) "Soda Gogglin'"
Biz Markie super soundtrack

(3) "Illegal Downloads"
Topical, with bang for buck

Animal Ads
Winners:
(1) "Talking Monkey"
Monkeys. Hotties. Unbeatable.

(2) "Donkey Clydesdale"
Pitch-perfect

(3) "Bears With Fake IDs"
Bench thin for this category

Other Winners
Winners:
(1) "Office-Supply Godfather"
Staples wins with humor

(2) "Soap in Mouth"
For a U.S. car-maker, risque!

(3) "Shards o' glass"
Made you stop to watch.

Movie Ads
Play the "X Meets X" Game:

Van Helsing
Dracula meets Zorro

Troy
Lord/Rings meets Gladiator

50 First Dates
Groundhog Day meets Water Boy

Miracle
Hoosiers meets Mighty Ducks

Alamo
Miracle meets Tombstone

Starsky and Hutch
Charlie's meets Old School

Secret Window
Brasco meets Misery

Hidalgo
Indy/Jones meets Larry/Arabia

Ladykiller
Tom Hanks meets Career-Killer