Tuesday, February 3, 2004
Page 2 Quickie: Feb. 2, 2004
The Lead Item
Two Words For You:
We may never see another one like that
I'm talking about the freshly minted Pats
dynasty; what are you talking about -- JJ's
freshly flashed mammary moment? Wait: You never
un-paused the TiVo after the halftime show, did
That's right: I said "dynasty." In our current
NFL era, winning two titles in three years is more
than enough of a qualifier, given the crippling salary
restrictions, hyper-media scrutiny and ever-increasing
league emphasis on parity.
The Pats have accomplished something a lot more
impressive than the 1960s Packers, 1970s Steelers or
the 1980s 49ers.
And while I'm tossing around the heresy like
Tom Brady tosses clutch passes, the current 15-game
winning streak -- adjusted for competitive inflation
-- should be put on a pedestal above those '72 Dolphins.
Sincere or staged? Let's take a
360-degree look, kind of like "Boomtown" (uh, no, I
guess that's "Boobtown"):
Hmm: "Unrehearsed, unplanned, completely
CBS: "Regrets incident"
Hmm: "Unlikely" to use MTV again.
NFL: Claiming ignorance
Hmm: "No knowledge it would happen."
Hmm: "Not intentional and is regrettable."
Janet Jackson: No statement
Hmm: Silence says it all.
At least that streaker guy seemed to willingly
admit he intended to sneak on the field and strip down
to a G-string. But he could use some tips from JJ
about getting that nudity televised.
MVP: You can keep Tom Brady; I'll take
Janet Jackson Adam Vinatieri,
who rallied from two missed FGs (neither of
which will ever be remembered) to hit the 41-yard
game-winner when it mattered. He may have just kicked
himself into Hall of Fame enshrinement.
LVP: Let's just call it "The Shank." For Super
Bowl perpetuity, there can be only one -- and it
belongs to Panthers K John Kasay, who managed
to botch the kickoff after Carolina's sick
game-tying TD drive, leading to the Pats' game-winning
Other losers: The DBs (both teams),
neither sets of whom could stop a decent fraternity IM
team, let alone Brady or Delhomme.
Extra-special winner: The guy in your office's
buy-a-square Super Bowl pool with "Pats 4, Panthers 0"
who won both halftime and the third
Winners: You already know the feeling
about Janet Jackson, who made the
Britney/Madonna kiss look small-time ...
Beyonce's Banner was one of the best
Losers: Could Aerosmith's astro-themed
intro have been in any worse taste?
Particularly considering that Josh Groban
tribute to the Columbia disaster came mere minutes
Mmm ... Soda/Beer Ads
(1) "Ref Tunes Out"
Perfect. Bud Light scores big
(2) "Soda Gogglin'"
Biz Markie super soundtrack
(3) "Illegal Downloads"
Topical, with bang for buck
(1) "Talking Monkey"
Monkeys. Hotties. Unbeatable.
(2) "Donkey Clydesdale"
(3) "Bears With Fake IDs"
Bench thin for this category
(1) "Office-Supply Godfather"
Staples wins with humor
(2) "Soap in Mouth"
For a U.S. car-maker, risque!
(3) "Shards o' glass"
Made you stop to watch.
Play the "X Meets X" Game:
Dracula meets Zorro
Lord/Rings meets Gladiator
50 First Dates
Groundhog Day meets Water Boy
Hoosiers meets Mighty Ducks
Miracle meets Tombstone
Starsky and Hutch
Charlie's meets Old School
Brasco meets Misery
Indy/Jones meets Larry/Arabia
Tom Hanks meets Career-Killer