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Friday, March 5, 2004
Updated: November 9, 12:54 PM ET
Passing is fundamental basketball

By Patrick Hruby
Page 2 columnist

Tough but fair. In a nutshell, that's the academic philosophy espoused by former University of Georgia men's basketball assistant coach Jim Harrick Jr.

Well, minus the "tough" and "fair" parts.

According to documents released by the university, a Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball class taught by Harrick Jr. in 2001 was slightly less difficult than a scratch n' sniff game.

The course's final exam -- and only test -- consisted of 20 brain-straining questions, including:

  • How many goals are on a basketball court?

  • How many points does one field goal account for in a basketball game?

  • Who is the best Division I assistant coach in the country?

    One of the multiple-choice options to answer that last one was -- drum roll here -- Jim Harrick, Jr.

    As it turns out, Harrick Jr.'s foray into the ivory towers of academia didn't stop with hoops. Far from it.

    After sifting through the university's files -- read: we're making this up -- Page 2 is pleased to present excerpts from Harrick Jr.'s other final exams:

    COACHING PRINCIPLES AND STRATEGIES OF FOOTBALL

    1. A football is:

    a) A ball
    b) A tree
    c) A bird
    d) A dinner entree

    2. How many points does a touchdown account for in a football game?

    a) 6
    b) 628
    c) 0
    d) -395

    3. What is the name of the National Football League championship game?

    a) The Super Bowl
    b) The Outback Bowl
    c) The Dust Bowl
    d) The NBA Finals

    4. In what league do the Georgia Bulldogs compete?

    a) SEC
    b) NHL
    c) CNN
    d) NASA

    5. What basic color is the field the Georgia Bulldogs play on?

    a) Green
    b) Neon Pink
    c) Fuchsia
    d) Teal

    6. How many teams are in the NCAA Division I Football National Championship Tournament?

    a) 8
    b) 16
    c) 32
    d) Zero. There is no D-I football championship tournament. Damn BCS.

    7. Diagram a goal post:

    8. Diagram the number on your jersey:

    EXTRA CREDIT: Tear off a portion of this test, fold it into a paper football and "kick" it through my fingers (+100 points if successful)

    APPLIED MATHEMATICS

    1. 2 + 2 = ?

    a) 4
    b) 28
    c) 100
    d) A carrot

    2. The number that comes after 7 is:

    a) 8
    b) 6
    c) 0
    d) 1,927

    3. The square root of 9 is:

    a) 3
    b) 3
    c) 3
    d) 3

    Word Problems (show all work!):

    1. Johnny Hotshot is dribbling two basketballs at the same time. If he passes one ball to a teammate, how many balls is he left dribbling?

    2. Coach Jim Sr. is responsible for three NCAA violations at UCLA, two violations at Rhode Island and seven violations at Georgia. How many total violations is Coach Jim Sr. responsible for?

    3. An assistant coach slips an envelope containing $800 in unmarked bills under your door. Assuming you spend $200 on marijuana and beer, $150 on parking tickets and $25 on a "Scarface" special edition DVD, how much do you have left to purchase new rims for the luxury SUV you "lease" from a booster's nearby car dealership?

    AFRICAN-AMERICAN HISTORY

    1. Civil Rights leader who gave "I Have A Dream" Speech:

    a) Martin Luther King
    b) Billie Jean King
    c) King Henry V
    d) Baby, the Bling Bling King

    2. The first black baseball player in the Major Leagues:

    a) Jackie Robinson
    b) Jackie O.
    c) David Robinson
    d) Mrs. Robinson

    3. Ralph Ellison's literary masterpiece:

    a) "Invisible Man"
    b) "Batman"
    c) "Blankman"
    d) "Memoirs of an Invisible Man," starring Chevy Chase

    4. Black leader who altered his stance toward racial separatism following a pilgrimage to Mecca:

    a) Malcolm X
    b) Malcolm Y
    c) Malcolm Jamal Warner
    d) Malcolm in the Middle

    5. Refused to surrender her seat, leading to Montgomery, Ala. bus boycotts of 1955-56:

    a) Rosa Parks
    b) Cherokee Parks
    c) Rosie Perez
    d) Rosie O'Donnell

    6. Famous slave revolt took place on this Spanish ship:

    a) Amistad
    b) Santa Maria
    c) Titanic
    d) H.M.S. Pinafore

    7. Case in which the Supreme Court ruled that racial segregation in public schools violates the 14th Amendment:

    a) Brown v. Board of Education
    b) Roe v. Wade
    c) The People v. Larry Flint
    d) Spy v. Spy

    8. Presidential edict that freed the slaves of the Confederate states rebelling against the Union:

    a) The Emancipation Proclamation
    b) The Freedom Declaration
    c) The Liberation Announcement
    d) The Strongly-Worded Antislavery Suggestion

    Essay Questions -- choose one of two:

    1. One of the most popular situation comedies in television history, "The Cosby Show" was praised for its non-stereotypical portrayal of a contemporary, well-to-do African-American family. Who played the role of "Cockroach?"

    2. Spell "Africa."

    INTRODUCTION TO PHILOSOPHY

    1. Plato is:

    a) A Greek philosopher
    b) The current president of the United States
    c) A soft and pliable children's play putty
    d) A former "Diff'rent Strokes" star who later posed in Playboy

    2. Thomas Aquinas offered five ways to prove the existence of God. Which of the following is NOT one of Aquinas' five proofs?

    a) The argument from motion
    b) The moral argument
    c) The teleological argument
    d) Angelina Jolie's lips

    3. Aristotle defined the "final cause" as the end or purpose for which a thing exists. Using this definition, the end cause of a college basketball coach is:

    a) Winning games
    b) Handing out free TVs from Best Buy
    c) Sliding players through bogus academic courses
    d) All of the above

    4. While traveling on the H.M.S. Beagle, Charles Darwin made a series of observations that would later inform his theory of evolution. Which of the following is a famous cartoon beagle?

    a) Garfield
    b) Opus
    c) Snoopy
    d) Dennis the Menace

    5. Machiavelli authored:

    a) "The Prince"
    b) "Chicken Soup for the Longshoreman's Soul"
    c) "The Five People You Meet in Heaven"
    d) "The Don Killumianti"

    COMPUTER SCIENCE

    1. The command "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start" will:

    a) Re-format a hard drive
    b) Re-boot a Windows-based PC
    c) De-activate an Internet firewall
    d) Give you 30 extra lives in "Contra"

    2. Who is the highest-rated quarterback in "Madden 2004?"

    a) Brett Favre
    b) Rodney Peete
    c) Charlie Batch
    d) Chris Simms

    3. Sony's PlayStation 2 is the successor console to:

    a) The Sony PlayStation
    b) The Sega Dreamcast
    c) The Atari Jaguar
    d) The TurboGrafix 16

    4. The most powerful move in "Street Fighter II" is:

    a) Ken and Ryu's Dragon Punch
    b) Zangief's Spinning Piledriver
    c) Dhalsim's Yoga Fire
    d) Guile's "magic throw" glitch

    5. Which of the following is NOT available to Sam Fisher in "Splinter Cell?"

    a) Night vision
    b) Thermal vision
    c) Normal vision
    d) X-Ray vision

    6. Which of the following actions from the "Grand Theft Auto" series can you NOT do as a college athlete?

    a) Wield samurai swords
    b) Pick up hookers
    c) Smuggle narcotics
    d) All of above already have been done by college athletes

    Essay question: Discuss the role of Kano in "Mortal Kombat II." Was he, in fact, a playable character? Provide at least three supporting arguments (open book).

    ADVANCED QUANTUM MECHANICS

    1. Write down explicitly the integral expression for the first-order correction to the unperturbed energy of the 3d, m=0 state due to a constant electric field acting in the x direction. Why does this integral vanish?

    Alternately, name your favorite color.

    Patrick Hruby is a sportswriter for the Washington Times.