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Thursday, April 22, 2004
Updated: July 10, 11:11 AM ET
Mocking the Mock Draft

By Eric Neel
Page 2

I know the Chargers are thinking Eli Manning with the first pick, but if I were the Chargers I'd be thinking someone older. I'd be thinking Dan Fouts, Kellen Winslow, or maybe J.J. Jefferson. Is Don Coryell still alive? Get his agent on the horn. Deep balls in the air and butts in the seats, that's what the Chargers need.

Maurice Clarett
The Black Hole? Hey, Maurice is already in one.
Of course, the last thing the Raiders need is more, uh, experience. They're going to be tempted by young Larry Fitzgerald or Roy Williams with the two-pick, but they ought to be looking at blood transfusions for the folks in the Black Hole, instead. Your team is exactly as good as your hardcore fan base, and the crazies at the Coliseum are looking like Kiss and slurring their cheers like Keith Richards these days. Time for some reanimatin'. Barring the blood thing, they ought to move on Maurice Clarett now that he's declared ineligible. Send a message to the man, just like the old days.

If I'm the Arizona Cardinals, I can't even drag my sorry butt out of bed to make it to the draft. I just duck back under the covers and dream of St. Louis.

The Giants are probably thinking OT, but they ought to be thinking TO, as in that new Philly wideout who's gonna be haunting their defensive backs in key conference games for the next few years. Can you draft a therapist with the fourth overall pick? Can somebody run the Wonderlic on Dr. Melfi?

With the fifth pick in the 2004 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins select Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. The pendulum's swinging a long, long way from Spurrier's fun n' gun, don't you know.

Detroit's said to be looking long and hard at Kellen Winslow Jr. He's good, but he's no George Toma. If it's me, I'm making a move for the turf guru with the sixth pick. Blow the lid off the SilverDome, bring back natural grass and nasty winter weather, bring back fans with solid stones and brave hearts, bring back home field advantage.

This just in: The Browns select Dwight Howard, 6-10 forward out of Southwest Atlanta Christian Academy. "He's got tremendous upside," Butch Davis says. "He doesn't actually play football yet, but he's got tremendous upside."

According to Mel Kiper Jr.'s draft board, the Falcons are likely to take Will Smith. I know Mel's an expert, but I gotta figure 50 Cent gives them more of the edge they're looking for.

Tom Landry
Tom Landry's fedora protected one of the game's greatest minds.
The Jags hold the ninth pick, and the word is that they're thinking defense. I'll tell you what they ought to be thinking about: Blue. Not teal, not aqua, not anything that can be found in a bolo tie or a mood ring. Just plain old blue. No team wearing whatever the hell it is the Jags are wearing is going to win a Super Bowl.

The Texans wear blue. They're not going to win a Super Bowl any time soon, but they'll be ready when their time finally comes. In the meantime, they ought to make a move on Tom Landry's fedora with the tenth pick. The aura stored up in the storied lid is their only chance to stop the Parcells train running roughshod out of Dallas, plus it's a museum piece, a money-maker; folks'd come in from all over the Lone State just to get a glimpse of it under glass.

In Pittsburgh, people are talking about quarterbacks, and that makes sense, but they should also be talking about gaining back they're badass edge, which means they should be thinking about drafting John Henry and his steel hammer with the eleventh pick. I know, I know, John Henry's a myth, and it's hard to suit up a myth every week, what with the strict rules on uniforms being tucked in tight and all. O.K., I hear you. Forget John Henry, do this instead: Draft L.C. Greenwood's canary hightops. A truckload of 'em. A pair for every guy on the field. Including Cowher.

The Jets are hoping Mike Williams is still around when their twelfth pick comes up. Me? I'm hoping they go with another Mike. I'm hoping they go with Tyson. And when the toughguys in the stands at the draft with their faces painted and their throats sore from chanting J-E-T-S go crazy with the boos and complaints, I'm hoping he runs up into the seats and starts changing their minds, one ear at a time.

If I'm the Bills I'm drafting Chris Berman.

The Bears oughtta give their pick to someone who needs it. They have a coach named Lovie, to add anything to that would be gratuitous. Speaking of gratuitous, how long before the Bears announce a season-long deal with the O'Jays to sing "Lovie Train" before every home game? "People all over the world, join hands, start a Lovie Train, Lovie Train!"

The Bucs are looking at wideout, but they should be looking at hazmat, or bomb squad, because Chuckie's about to blow.

If I'm the 49ers and the Bills blow it, I'm drafting Chris Berman.

Louis Armstrong
Satchmo would have the Saints singing a new tune.
Cincinnati unveiled new uniforms Thursday at a 5-6 pm fashion show at Paul Brown Stadium. After the show, coach Marvin Lewis held a press conference announcing the team would forego its seventeenth pick in the first round. "We were so focused on getting rid of the old unis we didn't really get a chance to scout the draft," Lewis said. "We just felt this was the biggest thing standing between us and respectability."

With the eighteenth pick in the 2004 NFL draft, the New Orleans Saints select Louis Armstrong, his Hot Fives, and his Hot Sevens. "Yeah, he's dead," says coach Jim Haslett. "But he's an icon, and he can really blow."

The Vikings need speed on the defensive side of the ball, someone tough and tough to pin down. Condi Rice should be available at nineteen.

After the move I saw out of him last weekend, and with Pudge off in Detroit, I figure the Dolphins' best move is to pick up Dwyane Wade and show him a lot of film of Mike Vick.

The Pats need to bring the Sports Guy back home, and the rest of us need to see the Sports Guy in pads, a helmet, and eye-black.

Some experts see the Cowboys drafting a running back. I see Parcells trading the twenty-second pick for Curtis Martin, Richie Anderson, Otis Anderson, Dave Meggett, and Joe Morris. Bill hates breaking in new guys.

The Seahawks are looking to draft the Mike Holmgren they hired, the one who turns programs all the way around, the one who rides on shoulders and stuff. Is he still available?

The Broncos should wait to see who Indy drafts, and then sign him away. Just for old time's sake.

They're talking tight end in Green Bay ... by which I think they mean Ben Troupe out of Florida, but by which they should mean Jenny from the block or Britney on the cover of Esquire.

Rumors around St. Louis have the Rams cutting Kurt Warner loose and drafting Brenda with the twenty-sixth pick. "She brings an edge we've been missing says coach Mike Martz. "The hair, the phone calls, the I-will-rip-your-heart-out glimmer behind her Christian smile -- she's the whole package."

Larry Bowa
Watch your back Dante Hall.
The Titans are in conversation with faith healer Benny Hinn right now. They don't want to take any chances with McNair's legs this year.

With the twenty-eighth pick in the 2004 NFL draft, the Philadelphia Eagles select Larry Bowa, Philadelphia Phillies. "We don't want him to manage," says coach Andy Reid. "We think he'll kick some serious butt on special teams."

Kiper says the Colts should take a safety. I say they should buy another vowel for Vanderjagt.

In KC, some people say wide receiver, some say package the pick as part of a deal to get a new defensive coordinator, and the folks I side with those who say Vermeil needs a little one-on-one with Dr. Phil.

They were close in Carolina last year. The Panthers were maybe just missing a little oomph. So here's my idea: Draft Paul Prudhome to go along with Jake Delhomme. Spice up the training table, double your rhyming pleasure, etc., and who knows, maybe you get over the hump.

And speaking of the hump, what do the Pats do with their second pick of the first round? They draft a resolution declaring draft day John Hannah day. Because the A-number-one way to keep the dynasty train rolling is to pay tribute to the gods.

Eric Neel is a regular columnist for Page 2. His "On Baseball" column will appear weekly during the baseball season.