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|FYI, Ashley's on the left ...|
There isn't a better tradition in baseball than the "Nobody in the dugout acknowledges the rookie who just hit his first homer" tradition.
Seriously, am I the only one who can't tell the difference between Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley?
Is there anything more jarring than a pregnant celeb who suddenly can't chainsmoke or dye their roots? Every Us Weekly photo of Kate Hudson in the past 12 months should have come with a warning label.
(And yes, I read Us Weekly. I'm not ashamed to admit it. My favorite section is the "Stars: They're just like us!" section, when they show people getting coffee and pulling parking tickets out of their cars. Look, there's Alec Baldwin carrying a bag of groceries and an X-rated movie rental ... he's just like us! That kills me. I better shut up now.) Rule No. 345 that this country should enforce: Nobody can pay with credit cards at video stores, coffee houses or convenience stores. Or else. If Edgar Martinez were a rock band, he'd be playing in a "FreeView" concert on Direc-TV right now. Maybe KG isn't in the Pantheon yet, but at least Wednesday night's 32-21-5-5-4 forced the committee to Fed Ex an application to his house. Speaking of KG, here's another theory on the Peeler elbow espoused by some of my readers: KG took two steps back because Peeler clocked him with that elbow. In fact, if you watch one of the 900 replays they had, KG's knees actually buckle a little bit about two seconds after the elbow. Trust me, this will change the way you watch the replay forever. It's like hearing "Don't Fear the Reaper" in the post-Bruce Dickinson Era.
|Rupert cleans up well, but it's a whole 'nother story on the island.|
It's too bad you could never coordinate this with 40,000 people, but the next time Barry Bonds comes up, if everyone at SBC Park cheered all at once, and then someone in the right-field stands threw a ball into the bay so all those losers in the boats would dive in for the ball ... and then this happened like five or six times ... I mean, that would be kinda fun, right? My buddy Gus is the kind of guy who calls me just to ask things like, "Hey, if you tape that James Caan show on NBC, does that mean you TiVo "Las Vegas"?" I wish I could buy stock in things like "There will be a 100-car pileup on an L.A. freeway that starts when a guy looking for a song on his iPod veers into the lane of a guy sending an e-mail on his Blackberry." Here's my theory: Jessica Simpson was watching "Three's Company" re-runs one night and decided, "Screw it, my career's going nowhere, maybe I'll just do a Chrissy Snow imitation and see what happens." And the rest was history.
|Jessica Simpson could be a lot smarter than we think.|
If the guy who filed the restraining order against Keyshawn really wanted to be safe, he should have just hung out in the end zone.
(Wait for it.) (Wait for it.) (OK.) I'll be honest: If Rob Ryder mentions his work on "The Warriors" one more time, it's going to start affecting my feelings for the movie.
Poor Eddie Jones. I mean ... wow. That was Aron Garcia-esque.
When the NHL lockout happens this summer, shouldn't we cryogenically freeze Barry Melrose like the British did with Austin Powers? If the "Queer Eye" guys ever rank their favorite sports celebrations, Vlade Divac's "hands behind the back" hug of Magic in the '91 Finals would have been a lock for No. 1 ... right up until the Arizona catcher started celebrating Randy Johnson's perfect game. Wait a second ... isn't Fallujah one of Bruce and Demi's kids?
|Mark Cuban's not the kind of guy you'd want to hang out with -- unless he's paying.|
When they put me in charge of ESPN6 some day, I hope they have an upfront in New York City for me -- like the ones for NBC, ABC and everyone else this week -- just so I can see the look on everyone's face when I introduce shows like "Stoned Scrabble" and "Gymkata: The Series." I don't care if Cousin Geri is involved ... I'm still not watching "Deadwood."
Speaking of TV series, it's been 10 years ... why hasn't "The Wolf" from "Pulp Fiction" been spun off into his own series yet? Would anyone have been against this? Has there ever been a character with more potential who received less screen time, with the possible exception of coach Fenstock? Even the title of the show would have been cool: "The Wolf." I don't get it.
|Next season, Corey Dillon will be breaking tackles for the New England Patriots.|
Whoops, one more: Does anything top the fact that Calvin Murphy's nickname during his playing days was "The Pocket Rocket"? Put it this way: If Freddy Adu is 14, and LeBron James is 19, then I'm 25.
For the love of God, how can a "SportsCentury" episode about Richmond Flowers not include footage of his son singing with Chad Hutchinson?
When Tommy John meets somebody and they say, "Hey, you're the surgery guy!", do you think he ever wants to grab them by the collar, push them against a wall and start screaming, "I won 288 f------ games! Two hundred and eighty-eight! I pitched in three World Series! You got that, moron?!?!?! Two hundred and eighty-eight wins!" If the Yanks end up trading for Beltran or the Big Unit, I'm going on a three-state killing spree that will rival Mark Harmon's work in "The Deliberate Stranger." Couldn't the government force Johnny Ruiz to pay reparations to cable customers for his pay-per-views? Like $100 a person or something?
|"I need to speak to my agent, I need to be my agent ... I want to throw away my career!"|