Responses to last week's Halfway column were, uh, almost twice as scary as usual.
Joe from Alabama starts us off with this doozy: "I had a question. Do you have to strain to write that crap or does it flow freely like diarrhea?"
Rob writes, "Half Over: This Column. Half: The amount of coaches who look manly throwing their red replay flags? Yawn ... Half the effort: Your column. Please try harder."
Or I could just follow Jason's solution: "Kill yourself for listening to the Donnas."
Ed says, "This proves that ESPN hires writers who would not know sports if it hit them in the head. To denigrate Marino is ridiculous -- more of a leader than you'll ever be a writer. Keep up the bad work!"
Richard piles on with, " ... half of my life getting through the first half of your almost-readable column. How could anyone get to the end? The clincher was listening to the Donnas ... sheesh. The Donnas are absolute TOTAL crap. No halfs about that."
Conor, though, makes a very good point about an unfortunate omission from last week. "No mention of Tiki Barber in your halfway article? Hello? Bueller? ... Bueller? He only leads the league in total yards! Why you hating on Tiki?"
On this one, I noticed that Sean copied the e-mail back to himself -- which means, technically he sent this lovely morsel back to himself. (Dude has issues.) He writes, "Ben Roethlisberger sucks (potty phrase). And (potty word) you!"
Ryan writes, "I just wanted to say Go RedHawks." Flem note: YEAH, ALL THE WAY TO THE MAC TITLE AFTER MARSHALL'S UTTER COLLAPSE AGAINST AKRON. And did you see my Li'l RedHawks got a vote in the Top 25 this week? (Now, where ever could that have come from?)
The good news just keeps rolling, seeing as how DJ owes me a cow. He writes, "From a spell check standpoint, I hope 'Igles' was a joke. I'll bet a fridge full of dead cow you get more angry Philly e-mail than normal. (FLEM NOTE: Uh, it's a pretty common nickname.) I have to admit, though, compared to that terrible inner-self, outer-self chat with a punter last week, you did well this time."
Ed kills the love with, "Dave ... Dave ... Dave. I have to say that your article is the worst I have ever read. I keep giving it chances, and you keep disappointing me! You never have any good information for your readers."
Andrew disagrees, kinda: "You should do a weekly feature on punters. Seriously. Think of how many people you could annoy. Man, I wish I had your job. This e-mail written while listening to: The Flaming Lips."
Brad from Philly (as if I need to point that out) writes, "Love when you old dudes talk about the new music you're listening to. I'm not going to go out and buy an album or listen to a certain band because you are listening to them. Stick with articles about punters, chief. P.S. Your mother helped me log on."
Josh, who is now calling himself 'my favorite Canadian,' writes, "After your last column, it is my strong belief that you're Halfway to a Pulitzer and maybe Halfway to having some of those imbeciles that hate on you each week actually bowing down and praising your journalistic godly-ness. Remember: Don't Condemn The Flem."
And finally (thank goodness), Nick writes, "I'm not gonna lie, I don't read your column all that often but I thought you mentioned last week that you play in a rec hockey league ... maybe I'm wrong. Did you play in college at all?"
OK, I've got a coupla things to clear up here.
No 1: No, I did not play hockey in college. I actually paid for school with a Div. I-A wrestling scholarship. I play rec hockey now because there are no adult rec wrestling leagues in my area (or anywhere on earth for that matter, which is a good thing).
No. 2: Brad from Philly almost won the WHYLO this week for getting so worked up over The Donnas that he insulted my mom, but, ya know, assigning the WHYLO to a Philly fan is almost a cliché.
No. 3: The only thing worse than someone borrowing their mom's computer just to insult mine is Nick asking a question about an obscure personal reference from a recent column, but feeling the need to preface it with the note that he "doesn't read the column all that often."
If that's the case, then Nick probably isn't familiar at all with his new award (wink ... wink) -- the WHYLO of the Week.
Nick, Who Helped You Log On?
THIS COLUMN WRITTEN WHILE LISTENING TO: The Replacements.