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But if you want a really offensive promo, consider the recent partnership between some NFL players and Hardee's.
Hardee's is offering its customers a new Monster Thickburger, which is made up of two-thirds of a pound of meat, four slices of bacon, three hunks of cheese and -- just because all of that isn't nearly enough fat for one meal -- mayonnaise. The burger contains more than 1,400 calories and 100 grams of fat, or more than twice the calorie count and more than three times the fat content of a Big Mac.
Don't even think about super-sizing it.
This burger contains so much fat that Hardee's only promotion for it should be a free angioplasty offer with every purchase. Instead, some NFL players jumped in to help the fast-food chain peddle its beef. The league arranged for players to work the take-out window at Hardee's for two hours each in 10 cities.
Although the proceeds of the promotion went to the players' favorite charities, the NFL's players promoting the Monster Thickburger is like Mary-Kate Olson endorsing the Grapefruit Diet. This league has no business encouraging people to eat more fatty foods, because both the NFL and the country already have a serious weight problem.
You know how it seems that NFL players are dancing and strutting on and off the field more than ever before? They aren't -- they're just trying to walk normally under all those layers of fat.
Two decades ago, William Perry was one of just five players who were officially listed as weighing more than 300 pounds. There were less than 70 when we elected Bill Clinton and his pasty white thighs in 1992. But according to NFL.com, there were 339 players this season on opening day rosters who weighed at least 300 pounds. And the bigger you are, the better the league likes it. A quarter of the league's starters weigh at least 300 pounds.
Players are so big now that if the Fridge played today, he'd have to eat himself into the league.
Back when Perry played, the Bears repeatedly encouraged him to weigh less than 300 pounds. Today, they would shove slabs of prime rib and bowls of garlic mashed potatoes at him, and say, "Go ahead, there's more where that came from."
Even government spending hasn't kept pace with the NFL's growth. The 1979 Super Bowl champion Steelers starters averaged 229 pounds. Our current Super Bowl champion Patriots average 261 pounds, a 32-pound increase. Thank goodness for big-screen TVs; otherwise, we'd never be able to see more than one player at a time.
| Weighty Concerns |
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| NFL Weight Cap Proposal |
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With more than 300 players who weigh more than 300 pounds, the NFL doesn't need a salary cap. It needs a weight cap. (And some slimming pinstripes wouldn't hurt, either.)
How would a weight cap work? You couldn't just place a maximum on the entire roster's weight, because teams would simply circumvent that rule by signing five or so vegan marathoners. Instead, the league should declare that a team can never have more than 2,800 pounds on the field at one time.
The rule wouldn't be difficult to enforce -- just bring in those big truck scales the highway departments use, and place one on each sideline. And it wouldn't take any additional time, either. During a possession change, timeout or commercial break, officials could have the respective offense and defense go over to the sideline and jump on the scales. If it's over the 2,800-pound limit, the team gets nailed for a 10-yard penalty and has to substitute lighter players.
Sure, a weight-cap sounds goofy. But it really isn't when you think about it. The players would be smaller, which means they'd be quicker. Offenses and defenses would be more efficient, because leaner, quicker lines can move the ball and defend better than their sluggish counterparts. The Broncos, after all, currently have the lightest offense in the AFC, but are fourth in the conference in yards per game. The Bills, meanwhile, have the heaviest offense in the AFC, and are next-to-last in yards per game. More importantly, players would be healthier and sustain fewer injuries.
And there would be all sorts of entertaining new strategies. Teams would sign skinny guys just to get under the cap. Or maybe they could bring in their special South Beach Diet packages for short-yardage situations: seven 300-plus-pound linemen and four sub-150-pound defensive backs. --Jim Caple |