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Friday, January 7, 2005
Updated: January 10, 2:32 PM ET
The Super Bowl ads you won't see

Page 2

We're living in a post-Nipplegate world -- and apparently it's only going to get worse. In case you haven't heard, Fox has already rejected a Super Bowl ad starring Mickey Rooney for Airborne, the natural cold remedy.

Why? Well, in the ad, the 84-year-old Rooney is in a sauna. Someone behind him coughs. He overreacts, jumps up, screams, heads for the door, and drops his towel. His bare bum is exposed for two seconds or so. Clearly scandalous.

Mickey Rooney
Who doesn't want to see Mickey Rooney's bare behind?
Turns out the Mickey Rooney commercial isn't the only new ad that's already ended up on the scrap heap. Page 2 has uncovered some of the others deemed too racy for the Super Bowl.

Product: Charles Schwab
Celebrity: George Steinbrenner
Commercial:
George Steinbrenner walks through the Yankee clubhouse. He high-fives Derek Jeter. He shakes hands with Hideki Matsui. Then he comes up to Jason Giambi, whose back is turned to his locker. As Giambi reaches up to grab something, his towel falls off, revealing a skinny, shriveled-up butt. Voice-over: "Have some of your investments turned sour? Then you need our financial advice."

Product: Bed, Bath & Beyond
Celebrity: Terrell Owens
Commercial:
Owens is shopping in the towel section. As he feels the towels, he keeps glancing up to see one gorgeous woman after another -- wearing, of course, nothing but a towel -- walk by. The last woman suddenly drops her towel and leaps into T.O.'s arms. Voice-over: "At Bed, Beth & Beyond, we have a large selection of towels for you to choose from. But some are softer than others."

Product: T-Mobile's Sidekick
Celebrity: Snoop Dogg
Commercial:
Paris Hilton sends Snoop a text message asking for the correct way to roll a blunt.

Product: ACLU
Celebrity: Carmelo Anthony
Commercial:
Anthony is walking through an airport. Security guards stop him. They start searching him. Soon, he's wearing nothing and we see his bare behind. A guard holds up a marijuana cigarette. Voice-over: "Protect your rights, even when you're caught with your pants down with your friend's marijuana. Call the ACLU."

Product: The Philip Rivers Experience
Celebrity: Philip Rivers
Commercial:
Playing off the hugely-popular "Michael Vick Experience" campaign, a customer is strapped into a harness and paces the sidelines while watching Drew Brees lead San Diego to the playoffs.

Product: Boston Red Sox Season Tickets
Celebrity: George Steinbrenner
Commercial:
Steinbrenner is depicted as Darth Vader representing the Evil Empire of Yankee-dom. Network execs refuse to run the ad out of fear that Vader would sue for defamation of character.

Product: Viagra
Celebrity: Randy Moss
Commercial:
Camera pans to Moss leaving a Vikings game with a few seconds left. Then it cuts to Moss holding up the product. Voice-over: "Do you have trouble staying around for the entire game? Do you leave early? I've learned my lesson. Take this product and your performance will last the entire 60 minutes."

Product: Chaser
Celebrity: NBA player
Commercial:
A fan at an NBA game is drinking a beer. He has another one. And another one. Then he throws a plastic cup at an unnamed player. The player attacks the fan. Then the commercial cuts to the fan waking up the next morning, with a black eye and a swollen lip. Voice-over: "Had too much to drink last night? Then take Chaser to give you freedom from hangovers (but not necessarily rampaging NBA players).

Product: Pizza Hut
Celebrity: The L.A. Lakers
Commercial:
Kobe Bryant, Lamar Odom, Caron Butler and Chucky Atkins are sitting around the locker room, trying to decide what kind of pizza they want. Kobe wants pepperoni. Lamar wants sausage. Caron wants mushrooms. Chucky wants the works. After some arguing, Rudy T walks in and tells the guys to order the Pizza Hut "4forALL" pizza, so everyone can have what they want. The pizza arrives, and everyone's happy. (Network execs rejected this one after learning that when the cameras stopped rolling, Kobe immediately started hoarding all the pies. Kobe then hinted that he and Lamar couldn't eat together and he didn't like how Rudy T. wasn't running the toppings through him.)

Ashlee Simpson
Ashlee, girl -- the singing thing? Yeah, give that up. And we liked you better as a blonde, too.
Product: Ashlee Simpson's album "Autobiography"
Celebrity: Ashlee Simpson
Commercial:
In another attempt to prove that she can really sing, Simpson is sitting by herself on a stool in an empty room. She begins to sing a capella and the sound is downright awful -- like a cross between a boiled kitten and Lou Ferrigno yelling at his father in "Pumping Iron." (Network execs rejected this one because they were concerned millions of TV sets would spontaneously combust.)

Product: Fox TV program "Who's Your Daddy?"
Celebrity: Shawn Kemp, Andre Rison, Ricky Williams
Commercial:
A girl who's never met her biological father spends time with Kemp, Rison and Williams and tries to determine which one is her father. (Network execs decided to scrap this ad, and the show, when they realized how horrendous it was.)

Product: Formula 409 All-Purpose Cleaner
Celebrity: Najeh Davenport
Commercial:
Najeh, all grimy from a hard day at practice, comes back to his house trailing dirt behind him. After showering, he goes from room to room, using his 409 to clean everything, and commenting on how it removes "even the toughest stains." The commercial closes with Najeh scrubbing his closet, and winking. "And odors, too." (Network execs rejected this commercial after learning that Davenport is apparently a subscriber of method acting, and once again dookied in the "closet" off the soundstage.)

Product: Adidas
Celebrity: Tracy McGrady
Commercial:
Miniature bright white soldiers, tanks and helicopters attempt to slow McGrady's trip down the court. (Was rejected because network execs were afraid the ad would incite racial tensions for its portrayal of the white man trying to keep a brother down.)

Product: Vick's Children's Nyquil
Celebrity: None
Commercial:
A mother eases her child's cold symptoms by tenderly giving him a spoonful of Nyquil before bed. (Scrapped because it promotes alcohol use among minors.)

Product: Salad Shooter
Celebrity: None
Commercial:
A mother prepares a salad in the kitchen for her family. (Scrapped because it promotes the use of firearms in the home.)