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Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Updated: March 23, 8:28 AM ET
Chat transcript: 3/22

By Bill Simmons
Page 2

Bill Simmons: (1:01 PM ET ) Let's roll ...

Ray, Rehoboth, MA: Not to sound like Vito Corleone, but Adam Vinatieri is "dead to me now." Thanks for the memories. Who's to blame here, the Patriots or Adam? Does this hurt his Hall of Fame chances?

Bill Simmons: (1:02 PM ET ) This is a tough one. Adam gets permanent immunity from me because of everything that happened the past 10 years -- I would never blame him for going somewhere else if he thought it was the right thing to do. At the same time, I can't question the Patriots because they have had an nearly impeccable record of determining when one of their veterans has exceeded their value over the last five years -- not one of them has come back to haunt them.

Bill Simmons: (1:04 PM ET ) I look at it this way: Vinatieri was looking for the respect and security of being paid like the highest-paid kicker in the league. After ten seasons and all the clutch kicks, he felt like he had earned that right. But the Patriots obviously felt that his skills were declining to the point that they didn't want to pay that much money for him -- they're the ones who watch him practice every day, examine his back, examine his knee and everything else. I just feel like there's more to the story here.

Bill Simmons: (1:06 PM ET ) But the thing that saddens me is that he went to the Colts, of all places. it's one thing for Damon to go to the Yanks ... but why the hell would you want to play with manning and the Colts? Isn't that like leaving the cast of "Lost" to appear on "Love monkey?"

Bill Simmons: (1:06 PM ET ) All right, I'm done venting ... more questions ...

Scott, Norwood MA: Who do you like in the Gauntlet II finals?

Bill Simmons: (1:07 PM ET ) I like Alton's team -- the man has been like MJ circa 1992 all season.

Jordan from Montreal: What's a more devastating blow to the Boston sports scene, losing Damon or Vinatieri?

Bill Simmons: (1:07 PM ET ) Vinatieri. it's no contest. It's like Norm leaving "Cheers" in 1989 and appearing on a ripoff show about people who hang off in a bar.

Craig, NY, NY: Bill ... not sure if anyone brought this to your attention yet but in the new "MLB 2006: The Show" there's a player in the BoSox minor league system with your name. I guess you've reached the pinnacle of your career when you're being used as the inspiration for fictional, two-dimensional video game baseball players. Congrats, we knew you could do it!!

Bill Simmons: (1:08 PM ET ) I'm very excited about it -- I'm even more excited that he's black. Although I wish they had named him Jabaal Abdul-Simmons, that would have been the right thing to do.

James from Boston: Seriously SG, is Candace Parker really front-page news? I mean come on, I used to be able to dunk a tennis ball and I'm 5'9" and fat. Shouldn't all 6'3" athletes, male or female, be able to dunk a women's ball? And if they can't, shouldn't they ALL, male or female, be playing in women's college basketball?

Bill Simmons: (1:10 PM ET ) Laying the ball in and grabbing the rim is NOT a dunk. End of story. If I were a women's basketball fan, I would be embarrassed by all the attention about this over the weekend -- it undermines the whole "our product compares to the men's product" spiel.

Jamie, Boston: My issue with the Vinatieri is he was the best kicker on the market. Why not give him the money if you are going to give Vanderjagt $2 million a year and Edinger 1.5 ... Isn't he worth a little extra, not to mention he's 3 years younger than Vandercrap?

Bill Simmons: (1:11 PM ET ) Yes. No question. Unless they know for a fact that his back is getting worse, his knees are getting worse, or whatever else. You can't lose someone like this without a valid reason. When they lost McGinest, even though I was bummed out, it was logical -- the Browns overpaid for him and the Pats had depth at that position. This wasn't logical. Which makes me wonder what the real story is.

Jeff, San Fran, CA: Bill, you said it yourself with Damon, its all about the money. Period. Thats literally it comes down to these days. Two weeks after your favorite team tanks out of the playoffs in a crushing loss, you're still reeling and can't muster the will to get out of bed in the morning, meanwhile your team's stars are out shopping on vacation. Its business.

Bill Simmons: (1:15 PM ET ) This is true. But Damon was in a different situation than AV -- he had only been in Boston for four years. AV should have retired as a Patriot and he deserved to get paid. All right, I'm getting madder and madder about this.

Jow: Why have you not exchanged e-mail conversations with Anna Benson?

Bill Simmons: (1:16 PM ET ) Because she's loathsome and doesn't deserve the attention. She's not even that cute anymore -- she's starting to look like Elvira, or one of those porn stars that tried to set too many "most guys in one day" records.

Rick (Stansville KY): Why did you ignore the question about your ridiculously poor work ethic?

Bill Simmons: (1:17 PM ET ) I seem to be getting this question a lot. Please point me to someone else at ESPN.com who has written more columns and more words than me over the past 5 years. Just give me a name.

Bill from Cincinnati: Congratulations on the beginning of the Wily Mo Pena Era in Boston. We hated to see him go, but absolutely needed starting pitching here in Cincinnati. Pena is the single most entertaining player to watch in person. He made both the best and worst defensive plays I've ever seen in person. His home runs are just crushing -- as are his strikeouts in key situations -- but he's only 24. All he needs now is his own Jobu statue. Enjoy! I'd like your anaysis on Arroyo.

Bill Simmons: (1:19 PM ET ) I'm giddy about this -- from everything I've read, he has superhuman strength, to the point that Reds fans have been e-mailing me stories about his home runs. And he sounds like such a disaster in the field and on the bases, I'm convinced that he's the man who will give my buddy hench his first Red Sox-related heart attack. I just hope I'm in the room when it happens.

Bill Simmons: (1:19 PM ET ) Honestly? I'm just excited for the chance to root for someone named "Wily Mo." It's been a lifelong dream.

Ryan, Lansing, MI: How are you and your buddy doing against your wife and mom in your tourney pools?

Bill Simmons: (1:20 PM ET ) Here was House's e-mail about it (sent to me yesterday):

Just for grins, and because I care waaaaaayyyy too much about these kinds of things, here are the weekend's results. Based on my highly unscientific and likely-to-contain mistakes analysis, the standings look like this:

1. SportsMom
23/32; 12/16 -- 35 correct picks in the first two rounds. Six of Great 8 teams still going and all four Final Four teams still alive (Duke, Memphis, Villanova, Uconn). This is quite good, but I'd really like to see the wine-sleepers list.

2. House
22/32; 11/16 -- 33 correct picks in the first two rounds. Six of Great 8 teams alive and 3 of Final Four teams (Uconn, Villanova, Duke). Special thanks to Kansas for pretending it was November. Boring-ass Uconn over Duke may hold up.

3. SportsGal
22/32; 9/16 -- 31 correct picks in the first two rounds. Six of Great 8 teams still going and all four Final Four teams still alive (Memphis, Duke, Uconn, BC). Memphis over Uconn Final is extremely viable, but I'm calling BS on the UCLA-over-Memphis-but-Memphis-wins-the-whole-thing botch, especially with the "this is our home team" silliness. Nobody outside of the UCLA campus likes UCLA. At least keep it real and root for USC.

4. SportsDud
20/32; 10/16 -- 30 correct picks in the first two rounds. Six of Great 8 teams alive and 3 of Final Four teams (Duke, UCLA, Villanova). You have the exact same Champ game and overall winner as your mom. You still stink at this after all these years.

Bill Simmons: (1:21 PM ET ) Whoops, that didn't format. Oh well. Hope you can still read it. But I'm last.

John (CT): Is it acceptable to stop rooting for the Cowboys as long as T.O. is on the team? I am very conflicted about this. And please don't give me the whole "you live in CT, you never should have rooted for the Cowboys" line. I go back to the days when Danny White was the punter.

Bill Simmons: (1:23 PM ET ) My buddy Sal is battling this very question. It's a tough one. The best thing to do is just pretend that he's the crazy family member in your family that nobody likes, but you're stuck with him, anyway. And there's nothing you can do about it. Personally, I'm delighted -- I think he's a lunatic, and I think Parcells isn't remotely prepared to deal with him -- he's too old.

Patrick, NY, NY: What about the Patriots letting Ty Law go? He had 12 picks and made the Pro Bowl while the Pats' secondary was getting lit up. Seems like that burned them, no?

Bill Simmons: (1:24 PM ET ) He weighed about 300 pounds ... I don't think he would have made the difference at Mile High in January.

Pat, Mendon, MA: How long before David Wells completely loses his mind and shows up for a game with a handle of Jack. He already has called out Tito, Bonds, and Selig and the season hasn?t started. If this really is his last year I doubt he is going to hold back.

Bill Simmons: (1:26 PM ET ) I'm enjoying it. he reminds me of my Stepdad -- my Stepdad has reached the point where he just doesn't care anymore, he'll say anything. Plus, they both have a pot belly. The difference is that my Stepdad is 62.

JS McCredy (Chicago): Who wins in a b-ball game of one on one between Tom Cruise as Brian Flanagan in "Cocktail" and MJ Fox with his non-Wolf skills in "Teen Wolf?"

Bill Simmons: (1:27 PM ET ) I would say Cruise -- his over-the-head shot was just deadly. I think I would spend about $50 grand to PPV that one though. Especially now.

Dan Arlington, VA: So here's the situation. A buddy of my from Georgetown tells me that he will likely NOT watch the Sweet 16 game live because his fiance wants to do something that night. But it's all ok because he has Tivo and can watch the game faster, though not live, that way. Is this right?

Bill Simmons: (1:27 PM ET ) No. it's horrible. You should not be friends with him.

Ken (TX): You must have some major clout at ESPN ... you've beaten out Mel Kiper for the main window!

Bill Simmons: (1:27 PM ET ) I have better hair.

Brian: (Washington, D.C.): Who sent the question on work ethic? Correct me if I am wrong, but most of the people chatting with you right now are at work, aren't they? Also, can I get a quick comment on Wells now that he is pitching and not bitching?

Bill Simmons: (1:28 PM ET ) An excellent point!

Enrique, SA, TX: Bill, what were you thinking when you wrote that Spurs coach Greg Poppovich was going to retire after this season? Do you know how much money he would be walking away from if he did?

Bill Simmons: (1:30 PM ET ) I didn't, actually. The funny part was all the angry e-mails from the San Antonio area -- is San Antonio a third world country or something and nobody told me? I haven't seen that many misspellings and crazed threats in the history of my column ... if there was a way to send e-mails in capital letters and crayons, that would have been the typical response from a Spurs fan. Do they have school systems there or is it simply home schooling and that's it?

Skeech (Rochester): I just want to say that you hold the record for most questions answered in a one hour chat. I'm always impressed by your rapid fire responses. It pisses me off when the have old guys on a chat and they answer about 7 questions in an hour, most likely because they had to change their Depends half way in.

Bill Simmons: (1:31 PM ET ) I'm going to demolish it -- I'm working rightr after a 20-ounce Peet's coffee. I could lift an SUV over my head right now.

Deuce (Las Vegas, NV): What annoying kid's songs are stuck in your head now that your daughter is old enough to have a favorite TV show? There are some days where I'm in front of the class and I'm humming the Wiggles theme song ...

Bill Simmons: (1:33 PM ET ) What a fantastic question. here's my top-3:

1. "Vinko the Dancing Bear" from the "baby Geniuses" DVD.

2. The Tinky-Winky song from Teletubbies.

3. "I like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas" from the baby Geniuses DVD.

I'm convinced that you can only listen to baby songs and DVD's for so long before your brain starts melting. and it's happening to me as we speak.

Kevin (Beverly, MA): SG, what are the chances the Dolphins win the AFC East this year or next year?

Bill Simmons: (1:34 PM ET ) A lot lower now that they got into bed with Culpepper -- that was Isiah-esque. He's the Marbury/Francis of the NFL. I was delighted -- the Dolphins scared the hell out of me next season.

Matt (Philadelphia): What do you really think of B.C.'s chances against Villanova?

Bill Simmons: (1:35 PM ET ) I think Al Skinner will rear his head at some point -- it almost happened against pacific but Craig Smith made those 2 huge FT's (when does a college kid ever make both in that spot anymore)? He'll kill them at some point. Keep the faith. But I think they can beat Nova -- I think they're tougher and more physical.

Alex Weston, MA: What are your thoughts on why the Pats have done nothing in free agency except sign Reche Caldwell? We've got something like $20 million to play with. Is there a big signing in our future, or are we going bargain-basement this year?

Bill Simmons: (1:37 PM ET ) Look, any time you can get a guy who was picked up and released more times than any other NFL player in the history of fantasy football for a single season, you have to make that move. I'm excited for his 60 catches, 890 yards and 3 TD's.

Orin (Toronto): How do you feel that in the Deadspin's poll, readers barely thought you could beat up Gladwell? Even though he is Canadian, I think you could take him.

Bill Simmons: (1:38 PM ET ) Gladwell and I actually settled this in private -- we beat the hell out of each other for like 20 minutes outside of a bar in NYC last weekend. That's the real reason I haven't written anything. By the way, he's now eating his food out of a straw like Boggs.

Seth, NYC: When you play in the World Series of Poker, who would you most like to eliminate? Would it be Chris Ferguson just so that you could tell him that there is only one Jesus and he was born in French Lick?

Bill Simmons: (1:39 PM ET ) I'd like to eliminate that Mike Mancuso guy ... no, that's not his name. It's Mike M. and he has a goatee, he calls himself Mike the Mouth. That guy is the anti-Christ.

Karl, MN: Bill -- Your Crusaders have qualified for the NCAA Men's Hockey tourney and play Minnesota on Friday. Is this even on your radar and what are your thoughts?

Bill Simmons: (1:40 PM ET ) Wait ... what?!?!?!?!?!?!? is that true? When I was there, the hockey guys were more interested in going out 5 nights a week and stealing electricity from other people's houses off-campus ... now we have a good hockey team? I'm stunned. Does this mean I have to give money to the Cross again?

Troy (Gainesville, FL): Since you apparently have immunity to talk about announcers today, any thoughts on the MNF booth?

Bill Simmons: (1:41 PM ET ) I'm delighted about Kornheiser, he's one of my all-time favorites and I think he was meant to be in that Cosell role. Seriously. he's going to be great. Also really like Mike Tirico as a play by play guy. He's excellent. Um ... that's really all I can think of ... um ...

Ron, San Diego: Its Mike Matusow ... and he was involved in my favorite moment of the main event when him and "theshiek" almost threw down at the table and they had to have a timeout ... hysterical

Bill Simmons: (1:42 PM ET ) That's the guy! He might be the worst poker dude other than Phil Hellmuth, who now wears sunglasses indoors at all times. I'd like to see them fight to the death.

Nick (Denver, CO): Does anyone even care about the Boston Bruins anymore? How many new fans have they created in the last 10 years, 2 or 3?

Bill Simmons: (1:43 PM ET ) 2

Matt D. (Albany): Is there a finale to the NBA fantasy w/ Bernie? I think you guys should go on Kimmel and talk trash for an hour.

Bill Simmons: (1:44 PM ET ) How could we talk trash? I've been handing him his lunch all season. He's done. he has a better chance of filming "Mr 3000 2" then winning this league. I'm just amazed that more hasn't been made of Kenny Smith's 1-19 performance. How are we supposed to take anything seriously that he says about the NBA? How? I want to know. it's like having a driving instructor who caused a 50-car pileup on the Mass Pike.

Vinay (Norwalk, CT): At what point do you think Tony Parker finally tells Eva Longoria to just shut the hell up? Can't anything remain private? How bad do you think his teammates rip him for her latest comments about his bedroom skillzzzz? And, in the end, does any of it matter since he's sleeping with a smoking hot Hollywood actress?

Bill Simmons: (1:46 PM ET ) Nope. none of it matters. She came to the Clips-Spurs game I went to and spent the whole time talking to people in her section -- the Sports Gal noticed her in the second quarter and watched her for the rest of the game without once glancing at the court. After the game, she decided, "I think Eva Longoria seems nice." We were at least 150 feet away from her. Women are crazy.

Caroline (NY): Gals wan to know: Boxers or Briefs?

Bill Simmons: (1:46 PM ET ) Boxers.

Rob (Stamford, CT): I originally felt bad for Nick Lachey when he found out Jessica was cheating on him ... but I must admit, I think Kristen from Laguna Beach is an upgrade? She's also about 6 years younger -- do you agree?

Bill Simmons: (1:47 PM ET ) I think he's a legend. What better way to get revenge on your ex after she slept with the guy from Maroon 5 then to sleep with a younger, dumber, hotter version of her? That must have driven Jessica nuts. I like Nick Lachey now, I want to hang out with him.

Erin (Southie, MA): Why don't you just pack up your stuff and move back here? So many references about Boston, it seems like you are homesick. You could totally do this gig remotely ...

Bill Simmons: (1:48 PM ET ) I'm definitely homesick. But it's going to be VERY hard to leave nice weather every day. You get used to it. it's like crack.

Matt, New Jersey: Why does everyone love Rudy Gay so much? Somebody needs to wake him up when he's on the basketball court, he coasts through everything, and never shows up in big stretches of big games. If you watched the second half of UConn's second round game, you would never guess there was a top 3 prospect on the floor.

Bill Simmons: (1:49 PM ET ) I'm with you. These "spotty effort" guys come out every year, they always go too high in the draft, and then they're always disappointing. I can't wait to read about how fantastic his workouts were 8 weeks from now.

Greg (Nyack, NY): What are your thoughts on RW: Key West so far. They should drop the tanning booth biz and join the Coast Guard to fish Cubans on inner tubes out of the Gulf and store them at the house. Also, who hooks up with John first, the skinny girl or the Russian chick, I say skinny girl.

Bill Simmons: (1:51 PM ET ) I'm fascinated by the Russian chick -- she's the hottest girl in the history of reality-TV who isn't attractive because she has that awful look on her face the whole time. I'm also fascinated by the guy with the huge head of hair, as well as the overaggressive gay guy who belittles everyone. As always, it's an A-plus.

Jeremy (chicago): What are you feelings on Vito's role on sopranos. It almost seems they are making him obviously annoying so as to kill him off to make people happy b/c they will kill someone else off that will upset people beyond belief

Bill Simmons: (1:51 PM ET ) He's turning into one of my favorite fringe characters ever. I loved his rationalization for why the guy killed himself in Episode 2 ... that slayed me. But he should wear a Yankees hat at all times.

Chris (Manhattan Beach, CA): When are we going to get an in-depth column on the Clips? You gotta have some inside info to share with the fans.

Bill Simmons: (1:52 PM ET ) I'm waiting until we get closer to the playoffs ...

Allison (NY, NY): I went to high school with Matt Bonner, and we're all really psyched in Concord, NH about the status you proclaimed for him. Just thought you should know.

Bill Simmons: (1:52 PM ET ) I think we're all excited. Plus, there hasn't been a single person in the history of New Hampshire who wasn't redeeming in some way.

Ryan (Storrs, CT): Sports Guy, Tommy Heinson said today that he thinks Paul Pierce will go down as the greatest Celtic ever ... even better than Bird. Is this guy for real? Thats like saying Doink the Clown is the most popular wrestler of all-time.

Bill Simmons: (1:54 PM ET ) Come on ... Tommy is very, very, very, VERY old. You can't take him seriously at this point. The man won the Rookie of the Year Award in 1957. That was 49 years ago.

John F. (Houston, Texas): By my calculations, you will finish your list of the Best Sports Movies by 2027. Agree?

Bill Simmons: (1:54 PM ET ) I'm aiming for 2021.

Jared (Minneapolis, MN): No talk about 24? It just may have been the biggest tease of an ending I've ever seen! C'mon 24 Guy!

Bill Simmons: (1:55 PM ET ) I'm afraid to bring it up because so many people wait to watch it ... I will say this though, I think the hot chick was lying about who she fingered. Okay, that came out badly. But you know what I mean if you watched the show.

Raph (NY, NY): Speaking of sports movies ... would you consider "Bloodsport" a sports movie ... keep in mind the resurgance of Ultimate Fighting.

Bill Simmons: (1:56 PM ET ) Of course! and one of the classics! I'll be covering it in my Best Sports Movies series in either 2014 or 2015.

Corey (Worcester): The doctor from FOX's "Prison Break" gets my vote for Hottest Attainable Actress. Amanda Peete has had her time ... we need new blood. Your thoughts?

Bill Simmons: (1:57 PM ET ) I'm down with that one. it's time for Amanda to hand over the reins now that she's going to be in the Sorkin show.

Rafae (Vermont): CHONG LI! CHING LI! CHONG LI!

NS (Minnesota): My favorite part of your chats is watching the length of your answers decrease as the hour goes on. Are chats really exhausting or have you just gotten bored by the end?

Bill Simmons: (1:58 PM ET ) No, the best questions come early, then it becomes a contest with like 10 nimwits posting the same questions over and over again, so it's hard to find good ones.

Dump (Livonia): FYI, I wouldn't watch the new Larry the Cable Guy movie unless I was given a private screening with a drunk Jessica Simpson in her bedroom. Thoughts?

Bill Simmons: (1:58 PM ET ) Please stop posting this, get a life.

Mike (Dorchester, MA): How late are we stretching it today Bill? Keep it up, I've been avoiding real work all day!

Bill Simmons: (1:59 PM ET ) I want to break the record, let's keep going ... I don't even know what the record is though.

Antar, Thunder Bay, Canada: When the hell are you going to drop the Katie Holmes vs. Michelle Williams corollary on us? Seriously, did anyone see this coming? When "Dawson's Creek" wrapped, Holmes all but had the "America's Sweetheart" title wrapped up in a neat little bow. Michelle Williams was a fringe actor who was two steps away from Cinemax. The whole thing got turned on its head. The former is now a unmarried pregnant Catholic girl, linked to the craziest man in Hollywood. She's not damaged goods -- she's destroyed. The latter bagged Heath Ledger and an Oscar nom. Scoreboard much?

Bill Simmons: (2:00 PM ET ) I've been thinking about this one for awhile ... the weird thing is that she's HOTTER than Katie Holmes now. Who would have seen that one coming? it's like Jimmy King turning out to be the best NBA player out of the Fab Five -- the odds had to be 1 million to one.

Jay (NC): Adam Morrison ... good pro or not?

Bill Simmons: (2:03 PM ET ) I'm cooling off on him as the season stretches on, and here's why: He's great at getting his shot off in traffic, but at the same time, it never seems like he's open, he just can't get the spacing. In college, that's fine. But what happens in the pros, when the "traffic" suddenly becomes Tim Duncan and Bruce Bowen? And yet, I can't imagine him NOT averaging 14-16 a game just on garbage points and open threes. I need to see him a few more times.

Jason (Gainesville): What do you think of Joakim Noah in the pros? Do you think he'll even turn pro this year (everyone around here hopes not)?

Bill Simmons: (2:04 PM ET ) I'm a huge fan -- he's got a HUGE motor. There's no way he wouldn't be an effective pro, he's too active. he would get 20 minutes a game on the Celtics right now.

Jimmy Newark, NJ: You have mentioned the show "How I Met Your Mother" a couple of times recently. How can you talk about that show and not mention that the entire premise of the show is that he is telling all of this stuff to his children. That's right he is telling his CHILDREN his entire pre-mom sexual history. Can you imagine yourself one day doing this with your daughter?

Bill Simmons: (2:04 PM ET ) Um ... no. You're right, it's a little weird.

Steve (Arlington, VA): You want a bigger upset than Michelle Williams over Katie Holmes? Three Oscars were given to people with ties to "The Facts of Life." Noodle that one.

Bill Simmons: (2:05 PM ET ) Excellent point. We've also had someone who was fired from "90210" win TWO Oscars. What the hell is happening in this world?

Ryan (CT): Which Trailblazer do you feel will get arrested next? I say Pryzbilla

Bill Simmons: (2:05 PM ET ) I vote for the coach. Have we had a Blazers coach been arrested yet? It's really the final frontier.

Leif (Kelowna, BC, Canada): What are your thoughts on Barry Bonds passing Babe Ruth and maybe even Hank Aaron? Even if he took steroids, they were technically still legal in MLB when he started the juice.

Bill Simmons: (2:08 PM ET ) I think his records should count and he should be in the Hall of Fame. And I think his plaque should clearly state that there's overwhelming evidence that he may have used steroids from 1999 on. I also think Pete Rose should be in the HOF. The whole point of the HOF is to have a place that captured every significant moment that ever happened in baseball, good and bad. If you landed from a UFO, you would go there and learn about the game. Not having Bonds and Rose there seems dishonest to me. Like we're hiding something.

Daniel (Chicago): I was wondering if there will be a new intern contest coming up soon. Tons of your readers need the chance to embarass themselves that doesn't always come up in mailbags

Bill Simmons: (2:09 PM ET ) Nope ... there won't be another Intern Contest. Jamie and Kevin did great jobs, I don't want to hire anyone else.

Matt Z., KC, MO: How has nothing been mentioned yet of the Carlos Boozer -- Prince feud?! I would make some jokes here, but I want this question posted, so I will leave that to you

Bill Simmons: (2:09 PM ET ) I wasn't aware of this! Was this a "who has the most disturbing patch of chest hair" feud?

Pat (Newark, NJ): I know you're not excited about the new Pearl Jam album, but the new single is good. Think you'll try to see them live?

Bill Simmons: (2:12 PM ET ) Wait a second ... I never said that I wasn't excited about the new Pearl jam album. I said that, for the first time in my life, I heard that Pearl Jam had a new album coming out and didn't think, "Holy crap, it's a new Pearl jam album! Yippee!" Doesn't mean I won't buy it and hope it's good. And by all accounts, this has all the makings of a major comeback album. Now I'm excited about it.

Erik: (Ediburg, TX): Have there ever been two guys like Trey Parker and Matt Stone before? Guys with a national audience and absolute financial security who are able to call out anyone they feel like? They are the greatest Americans alive right now.

Bill Simmons: (2:12 PM ET ) I couldn't agree more. I will even forgive them for Baseketball. Although that movie did provide the unintentional bonus of humiliating Al Michaels and Bob Costas every time it comes on cable.

Dave (Austin, TX): So who do you think should be the first pick in the NBA Draft this year, if not Gay or Morrison? Aldridge, maybe?

Bill Simmons: (2:14 PM ET ) I think it's going to be Aldridge. He'll have great workouts, he's long, and he has a big wingspan -- none of this has anything to do with whether he'll succeed as a pro or not, but that won't stop someone from taking him first. I think he's the next Stro Swift. Congratulations.

Bill Simmons (ESPN): It's officially the end of an era: I found out that Pearl Jam has a new album coming out and wasn't even remotely excited.

Bill Simmons: (2:15 PM ET ) Well, now i'm excited!

Jay (Austin): I kept waiting and waiting for you to finish and you haven't done it yet ... now I'm skipping class to read this thing. Who chats for over an hour? Damn you.

Bill Simmons: (2:15 PM ET ) I'm going to destroy every record known to man. This could go all day.

Ryan (Indy): What has happened to America's national past time? Were you pulling for Japan or Cuba in the WBC?

Bill Simmons: (2:16 PM ET ) I was rooting for Big Papi and the DR. No way I was rooting for Clemens and A-Rod, unless they were in a UFC cage against one another without a referee.

Chris (Texas): I love it ... more bashing on Texas talent. First Vince Young ... now LaMarcus Aldridge ...

Bill Simmons: (2:17 PM ET ) Since when did I bash Vince Young? I think the guy will be a great pro. I don't care if he's inadequate at taking IQ tests, the dude can run a football team.

Brendan (DC): I have gotten through college so far relying on three things -- alcohol, your columns, and "The Price is Right." Talk about a Pantheon.

Bill Simmons: (2:17 PM ET ) I'm honored.

Myles, Boston: Petty grudges take priority over national pride. That's why I like reading you, in a nutshell.

Bill Simmons: (2:18 PM ET ) Why thank you! I couldn't be more proud. By the way, I never felt the need to prove my patriotism by rooting for our country in some contrived baseball tournament that meant nothing to anyone that lived her. If the Dominicans had won, it would have been the biggest sporting moment in the history of their country. If we had won, everyone would have shrugged and gone back to scoring their NCAA pool.

Daniel (DC): Aren't you going to miss Arroyo a little bit? I mean, you're missing a season's worth of "Brandon ... I mean ... Bronson ... I mean Ben Arroyo" jokes!

Bill Simmons: (2:20 PM ET ) Absolutely. I will miss his cheesy music, his facial hair, the photos on Deadspin ... I'll miss everything. But he's one of those guys who didn't have a lot of room to grow -- he's a junkballer who can't blow you away. Some days he looks great, other times he looks not so great. We already have one guy like that, Wakefield. So why not trade the excess and roll the dice with my man Wily Mo? By the way, can we all chip in and buy Wily the second "L?"

Ray (DC): Is it just me or are an inordinate amount of the questions coming from DC? This only proves that our nations capital is full of young, irresponsible workers. And we wonder why the government doesn't run smoothly.

Bill Simmons: (2:20 PM ET ) (Nodding)

Fred, NY, NY: Would you rather have Doc Rivers coaching your team for the next seven years, or Isiah Thomas as GM for the next three?

Bill Simmons: (2:21 PM ET ) Doc. I want to see if he can shatter the NBA record for "Most times a coach has flown to Florida to see one of kids playing in a high school sporting event during an NBA season."

Jerry (Memphis, TN): Hey Bill, if you're the GM of the Texans (why not -- you already own and operate ESPN 9?), do you trade down for more value picks or keep Bush?

Bill Simmons: (2:22 PM ET ) I would keep Bush -- even if he's touching the ball 20 times per game, he can still affect that same game more than just about anyone at that position. He's like bringing out one of those giant uzis every time he steps onto the field.

Wade (Indianapolis, Indiana): With all the speculation on filling the coaching position at Indiana University, what is your take and choice for this spot?

Bill Simmons: (2:23 PM ET ) I vote for Isiah Thomas. This is the logical next move for him -- completely destroying the storied tradition of IU basketball. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Greg (Vancouver): Can you think of two worse people that you would want to see chatting to your girlfriend/wife than the dreaded Lachey/Leinart combo?

Bill Simmons: (2:24 PM ET ) Maybe MJ and Oakley. That's about it.

David, New Orleans: Give me your estimate on how many NFL games Aaron Brooks will start for the rest of his career now that he is no longer going to be a Saint

Bill Simmons: (2:25 PM ET ) An excellent question! I think he's going to wind up being a Jet at some point, then teasing them for half a season before ultimately driving that fan base crazy. And he probably has one stint in him with a team like the Raiders. I would say the over under is 22.5.

Andrew (Arcadia, CA): What the thing that you dislike most about living in L.A?

Bill Simmons: (2:26 PM ET ) When they delay the Lakers-Celtics game by one hour from Boston. I don't think anything makes me angrier than this. What kind of sports city delays a sporting event by one hour? Seriously? This is the second biggest media market in the country.

Bill Simmons: (2:27 PM ET ) No. 2 choice: People with ugly, unfriendly dogs who walk them in neighborhood-y areas where they can potentially jump other dogs or attack a little kid. These people deserve to be tortured Jack Bauer-style.

Beeker (Waterford, MI): Over 75 questions answered in an ESPN chat?!?!?!?!? WOW! I'll crack open a cold one in your honor after work. Well done ...

Bill Simmons: (2:27 PM ET ) Screw it, I'm going for 100.

Shane (Boston): Hollinger's has Nash on his All-Overrated team ... your thoughts?

Bill Simmons: (2:29 PM ET ) If ESPN.com was an island, I'm more like Locke (intuition and gut feeling) and Hollinger is more like Jack (by the book). We are natural enemies in the wild. By the way, I think Chad Ford is Ana Lucia in this analogy. And Peter Gammons is definitely Mr. Eco.

Bobby (Wash, DC): Billy, does Rivers come back to the Celtics next season? He has to be one of the worst coaches of all time!

Bill Simmons: (2:30 PM ET ) I'd like to see him come back. I'd like to make the Lottery again -- it's always an exciting day when they unveil the cards and your GM is sitting there. I'd like to make it a tradition.

Michael (Portland, ME): Over/under appearances before Foulke's knees collapse?

Bill Simmons: (2:30 PM ET ) May 10th. Pick up Papelbon for your fantasy teams ... I predict that Timlin and Papelbon start out as joint closers, then Papelbon assumes the role when he proves he can handle it.

Davdon, (Baton Rouge): Have you heard of this new movie coming out out starring Samuel L. Jackson titled "Snakes on A Plane"? Could this possibly be the greatest movie title known to man?

Bill Simmons: (2:31 PM ET ) My question is this: if it succeeds and the X-rated film industry does the obligatory homage, what will they call the porn version?

Sully, Dorchester: How does it feel knowing that you are one treadmill malfunction away from looking like John Dennis?

Bill Simmons: (2:32 PM ET ) Discouraging.

Bruce (LA): Who is gonna eat themselves out of the league first- Al Jefferson, Mike Sweetney, or Jerome James?

Bill Simmons: (2:33 PM ET ) Are you kidding? Mike Sweetney is two more all-you-can-eats at Red Lobster from making this happen. ESPN has a reality show for him and Tractor Traylor raring to go.

Andy (ND): How come you didnt get invited to Scoop Jacksons NCAA Basketball Party?

Bill Simmons: (2:34 PM ET ) I dunno ... I'm wounded. Did Etan Thomas read some of his poetry during it?

Tony, (Philly): Boozer is suing Prince because the nameless one "Prince-d Out" a house he was renting from him. I'm not really sure what the problem is, the house is probably worth more now provided you sell it so someone crazy enough. More of an FYI then a question really.

Bill Simmons: (2:35 PM ET ) Excellent! there's our answer.

Lee (WI): Me and my buddy Trent are thinking of buying some flasks. Because flasks are in movies and they are always cool. Is there any flask etiquette we need to be aware of?

Bill Simmons: (2:36 PM ET ) You bring up something interesting here ... why hasn't the flask thing caught on? Since when has a flask not looked cool? When you broke out a flask in college, who wasn't wildly impressed?

Zeke, Upstate NY: Did you realize that WrestleMania is less than 2 weeks away and I (and I assume you too) couldn't give a rat's ass?

Bill Simmons: (2:37 PM ET ) Are you kidding? I'm ALWAYS excited for WrestleMania ... it's like Super Bowl Sunday or Chad Ford's annual June column about a 19 year old European who looked phenomenal in a workout.

Pete, NY: Since this chat has lasted so long, does this mean we shouldn't expect a column in the next few days?

Bill Simmons: (2:37 PM ET ) I just can't win ...

Tom (Cleveland, OH): Any chance ESPN will sponsor a "Watch the NBA Draft with the Sports Guy and his Dad contest?" I'd be willing to write 100 words on why I'm worthy to watch the draft with the experts.

Bill Simmons: (2:38 PM ET ) This is the kind of thing that they would actually suggest to me and I would have no idea how to respond ... I mean, my Dad falls asleep at 7:45 every night, why would anyone want to watch TV with him?

JS McCredy (Chicago): So how many Phish/Dead concerts has the Sports Gal been to?

Bill Simmons: (2:40 PM ET ) 50 Dead shows, 30 Phish shows. That's a rough estimate. By the way, we do not have any blown glass products in our house. Just for the record.

Ben (Atlanta): C'mon man. The 'Nation moderator has to be giving you the universal "wrap it up" sign now.

Bill Simmons: (2:41 PM ET ) They're playing loud music in the background like I stayed on too long during an Oscars speech ...

Z (Miami): I wasted almost 2 hours of my life today, my birthday, trying to get you to answer my questions, and reading through all those crappy questions you answered. I'm putting a curse on Tom Brady for next season, he will play like an average QB next season. Thats all I can do.

Bill Simmons: (2:41 PM ET ) Come on Z -- take it back! We're trying to take care of everyone.

Ben (Oakland): You're only 17 minutes away from 2 hours, you can do it!

Bill Simmons: (2:42 PM ET ) Rob Schneider everybody!

Randy (White Plains): If you had to relieve yourself during this chat, would you just go all over yourself like a marathon runner, or would you go to the restroom and come back and pretend like you'd never left? You can't possibly hold it this long!

Bill Simmons: (2:42 PM ET ) I would go to the bathroom all over myself. In fact, I just did.

Chris, DC: Is it a cry for help that I've been sitting here since 1, ready to go to lunch, but not going because Simmons won't wrap up? It's like watching something on Skinemax -- yeah, it's not that good, but you don't to miss the big climax scene, just in case. And all of a sudden you're going to work with like 5 hours of sleep.

Bill Simmons: (2:43 PM ET ) I'm honored! This is great ... only on Skinemax, you know when things are winding up because the lead female detective ends up getting back with her old policeman boyfriend and they have one final sex scene. With the chat, there's no way to know when it will end.

Brett (Charlotte, NC): Wow, 2 hours and not a single mention of the O.C.!! I guess I expected more out of you.

Bill Simmons: (2:45 PM ET ) I'm out. Stopped watching. The Johnny plot pushed me over the top. Okay, that's a lie, I watched every episode. What can you say at this point? Ryan is about 35 in real life and just had his 18th birthday on the show. It's a problem. Even the Fonz didn't stand out this much during the final three seasons of "Happy Days."

Ted (New York, NY): Have you watched "Big Love" yet? All I can say is three wives, HBO, and all we've seen are numerous shots of Bill Paxson's rear end. Talk about a disappointment. The show is dead to me.

Bill Simmons: (2:46 PM ET ) Here's my problem: you can't give is the "N" for nudity at the beginning, then have the "N" stand for "Bill Paxton's ass." That isn't just false advertising, it's harmful. And how has Chloe Sevigny not performed some sort of horrible sex act on this show yet? I had "1.5 episodes" and the under.

Kathryn, NYC: Am I the only one who feels squicky rooting for the Shockers in the tournament (my theory is if my bracket is screwed so should everyone else's)? Or is it b/c I'm a girl?

Bill Simmons: (2:47 PM ET ) I just liked that you used the word "squicky."

Nolen (Marblehead, MA): Hey Soriano's apparently finally agreed to play Left. Any thoughts? Comments? Personally I was pulling for a trip to the DQ list. Also, what do you think Soriano and Ichiro possibly talk about since they apparently chat in Spanish and Japanese together?

Bill Simmons: (2:48 PM ET ) I'm just glad that 2.5 million fantasy owners aren't being held hostage anymore. Our long national nightmare is over.

Spencer (Marlborough, MA): Now that we've reached the Shocker and Bill Paxton's ass stage of the chat I was wondering how long does it take for the incoming questions to completely dry up?

Bill Simmons: (2:49 PM ET ) We're just about there ... 12 minutes to go. But I have gotten 15,000 questions. That has to be a record, right? Could Mel Kiper have topped that even on his best hair day?

Bill Walton (San Diego, CA): Tthrow it down, big man, throw it down with two hands!

Bill Simmons: (2:49 PM ET ) Don't put the ball on the floor! That's terrible! That's just TERRIBLE!

T.J. (Cliffwood, N.J.): My cable just switched to digital and I now have 9 more HBO's and 14 more Starz/Encore channel but I lose Skinemax. Is it wrong to be a little ticked off about that? Being able to watch 50 First Dates in Spanish doesn't really help me out.

Bill Simmons: (2:50 PM ET ) Being able to watch 50 First Dates in English doesn't really help you out.

Bruce (White Plains, NY): Not to be a nitpicker, but in the first message in this whole chat Ray said "Not to sound like Vito Corleone, but Adam Vinatieri is 'dead to me now.'" Any Godfather fan knows that was Michael Corleone in Godfather II speaking to Fredo in that great scene. And he doesn't say "dead to me now" he says "your nothing to me, your not a brother, your not a friend, I don't want to know you or what you do, I don't want to see you at the hotels, I don't want you near my house, if you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance so I won't be there".

Bill Simmons: (2:51 PM ET ) Not to be a nitpicker? You just questioned the validity of someone's post on an Internet chat.

John (Indianapolis, IN): Bill, why don't you ever criticize Larry Bird as Pacers GM? He has single-handedly destroyed the pacers. He traded Al Harrington for Stephen Jackson (even though Jackson was already a free agent!), traded Brad Miller for Scott Pollard (what the heck?) and Artest for an old Peja (who might even leave as a free agent). He's just lucky that he inherited Jermaine and the East is weak, otherwise this team would be even worse than the Knicks! Stop being so biased in favor of him just because he's your childhood hero. Get over yourself.

Bill Simmons: (2:52 PM ET ) John from Indy, welcome to hell.

Matt, MA: Can we get a formal mea culpa for picking Eli Manning to win his first ever playoff game. Please ... then we can all move on along with you making the announcement that you are giving up picking NFL games.

Bill Simmons: (2:52 PM ET ) I will absolutely give you a mea culpa. But I'm never giving up that picks column -- not ever. Even if I'm writing it for some softcore porn site 20 years from now. Which could happen.

Sode (San Jose): How are most of the people on "Deal or No Deal" so dumb? Do they know the definition of the word odds?

Bill Simmons: (2:55 PM ET ) It's really an astounding sociological experiment. In any other gambling situation, if someone offered you a guarantee of 250K, or 1-in-5 chances of winning one million, $500,000, 50K, 5K and $1, anyone in their right mind would jump at the 250K. On this show, they lose their minds. I finally had to stop watching it, it was driving me crazy. I don't care if Howie Mandel is represented by Lewis Kay. I couldn't stick with it.

Scott (Marlborough): 2 hour chat session ... where do you go from here? How do you top this performance?

Bill Simmons: (2:56 PM ET ) I'm not sure ... it's like Wilt's 100-point game. I think it's going to be years before we figured out happened today.

Dave (Newark, DE): Thank you for wasting 2 hours of my life ... I will now go bomb my midterm because my brain is overrun with facts about crappy gameshows and useless facts

Bill Simmons: (2:57 PM ET ) I couldn't be happier! You will always think of me when you remember the D-minus.

Dave (NJ): Could you tell Sal Paolantonio to get off his soap box about "The Sopranos" and let him know it is a TV show about the Italian Mafia, which heaven forbid, does exist.

Bill Simmons: (2:59 PM ET ) The half-Italian in me was outraged by Sal's piece. My Stepdad is Italian and his entire Sunday night revolves around that show -- when it came on at 6 here on the HBO East, we watched it, then he scampered back to his hotel room to catch the re-run at 9. I don't know what Sal was talking about. It's like saying that Indiana hoops fans should turn their back on "Hoosiers."

Jason (Pittsburgh, Pa): Wow, I am just honored to be apart of this event. Thirty years from now I will be able to tell my grandchildren that I witness the Sports Guy and a two-hour chat. Thanks for the memories

Bill Simmons: (2:59 PM ET ) It's been an honor and a privilege ... last question coming up ...

Brian (Philly): Any advice on how I explain to my boss my serious lack of productivity this afternoon? I dont think "Sports Guy Chat" is gonna cut it.

Bill Simmons: (3:00 PM ET ) What about "it was a two-hour Sports Guy chat?" Would that cut it?

Thanks to everyone who posted a question, we nearly cracked the 17,000 mark. Best of luck to No. 4 in Indy ... enjoy the rest of the day.

Bill Simmons: (3:00 PM ET ) See ya.

Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine, and his Sports Guy's World site is updated every day, Monday through Friday. His new book "Now I Can Die In Peace" is available on Amazon.com and in bookstores everywhere.