Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Keep your chin up, Cardinals!
By DJ Gallo Special to Page 2
Arizona's loss to the Bears on "Monday Night Football" was bad. Really, really, really, really bad.
But the Cardinals still have more than half of a season left to play after that debacle, and they need to focus on the positives if they are to regroup and make it through the rest of their schedule. (And I hope they do regroup, because Monday night's game was extremely entertaining and I'd love to see a few more like it out of them.)
Come on guys, it wasn't that bad, right? Well, actually ...
So here are 10 positives the Cardinals can take from the loss to the Bears.
1. There were probably a million or so people who went to bed before the end of the game last night, and they all woke up this morning thinking you are awesome, Cardinals. So don't worry -- not everyone is making fun of you today. Although they will once they see the score and learn how you blew that game. Because, man -- that was pathetic.
2. Arizona's new stadium had no history to it until last night. But now the venue has played host to a historically embarrassing, soul-crushing loss by the home team. And that's all that was missing for it to be the true home of the Arizona Cardinals.
3. Blowing a 23-3 lead? That's called snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. And anyone who is willing to snatch something from the jaws of anything is pretty brave in my book. Heck, I once tried to snatch a chocolate bar away from a little puppy and he scratched me, so I gave up. And that puppy died. Kind of like the Arizona Cardinals.
4. By forcing Rex Grossman into six turnovers, you put an end to all this ridiculous talk about Grossman being an NFL MVP front-runner. So you deserve a lot of credit for that, Cardinals. Now, if only you could go back in time to 2002 and somehow erase the scar of Rich Gannon as league MVP, the award would still hold the prestige it truly deserves and everyone might forgive you for what happened last night.
5. When you're a terrible team, it's hard to stay positive and happy all season. But not after last night. I mean, did you see coach Dennis Green's postgame news conference? Awesome. And hilarious. I have no idea what he was even talking about, but if you guys can't get some laughs out of that, you're not even trying.
6. Blowing that game to the Bears and keeping them undefeated means there's a pretty good chance you might become immortalized through the lyrics of the new "Super Bowl Shuffle" song the Bears inevitably will record. So that's cool.
7. Sure, you lost by a point. But you covered the 13.5-point spread by a mile. And you all really should feel free to bet on your games for the rest of the season. I mean, do you really think anyone is going to care if the Cardinals are betting on their games? Heck, much of the nation didn't even know you existed until Monday night. A little bit of gambling isn't going to raise any eyebrows.
8. This loss came three weeks after the University of Phoenix agreed to pay $154 million over 20 years for the naming rights to your stadium. And what fortunate timing on your part, because if negotiations were still under way, the University of Phoenix surely would pull out because it wouldn't want to be associated with such an inept franchise as the Arizona Cardinals. So, in a way, by putting off a signature Cardinals loss like this until Week 6, you made your organization $154 million. Well done. Maybe they'll let you have some of that money for gambling.
9. If there is one thing we know, it's that Arizona's loss made Nick Lachey sad. And anyone who has turned on the radio and been subjected unwillingly to one of his songs can agree he deserves to experience some misery of his own as payback.
10. You learned a lot about yourselves as a team last night, Cardinals. For instance, if you want to beat a good team like the Bears you'll have to build a 30- or 40-point lead, because anything less than that you'll choke away pretty easily.
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Fantasy Sports Monthly, and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book -- "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" -- will be in stores soon.